The reason I have chosen this name is symbolically significant to me at this moment in time, and as you read further I will have hopefully explained the reason why.
To begin with, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my words. Every word has so much shape, dimension and meaning depending on perception, but to me the word natural is existing, a truth so to speak, stripped back to its originality. A natural driving force coincided with empathy. This can make for an interesting, possibly contradicting pairing in a sense, especially when I am relating it to myself. (empathy versus sympathy)
I am a 30 year old female, in a long-term relationship, and a mother to a pre-school boy and tween girl. I have had a very dramatically invigorating, traumatic life due to a neurological disorder I never knew I had till a year ago, creating varying psychological disorders over the course of my life to date. I am currently diagnosed ADHD and have been told on numerous occasions I have personality disorder traits.
When ones mental health and wellbeing are skewed, it seems like common sense to have issue with your personality. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult and untreated for nearly 30 years, and I don’t mean medicated. This has created many a psychological disorder over the years creating lots of confusion to whether or not I am Autistic.
I’m hoping through time, research and help from those able, one day I will get a definitive answer to whether I am only ADHD, Autistic or both. Firstly though therapy will show what damage needs repaired in relation to my mental health, in order to gather more resources to answer the question to whether or not I am on the spectrum more accurately? I have created this website for those who can relate who may find my words of use, but the primary goal is for those who can help, can gain access and insight to my words, without any systems or procedures getting breached or causing miscommunication, in a more timely and effective manner.
I named my website natural empathiser because I believe I am one. To be truly empathetic you need to be able to put yourself in someone else’s position, even if it is uncomfortable at times, because ignorance is a choice that is disabling. Empathy means having the ability to share and feel the emotions of others, which is something I primarily do.
All my days people, society, and systems have told me in many a varied way, that I am different and don’t fit the ‘norm’. Being referred to as abnormal most my days has now been given the label to fit, but life has all ready delivered many detrimental blows with many knock on effects my entire life whether intentional or not. This has led to many unfortunate and fortunate, circumstances and consequences, causing me to retreat and become self-destructive and disabling at times. (I’m only human after all)
From current research and words from my clinical psychiatrist, stemmed the research into an ongoing debate to whether females can be on the autistic spectrum. Things are placed into categories and generalised or placed into a more, specialised label, but this does not mean it is an truly accurate, word for word or stereotypical reflection of the individual, with a diagnosis of any kind. ASD (Autism) is just a guide line label for those meeting current criteria, to explain those with a certain type of neurological disorder, who may require the extra aid, through individuals willing to help, by gaining a broader understanding. I’m currently a victim in one sense to this notion, a minority.
I’m diagnosed ADHD, but I flag up for many an autistic trait, whilst being dormant in others which is confusing. (I have written articles relating to this in the category, My feministic journey into the spectrum) Unfortunately I can not gain access to the help required to aid me back into society because, these services and people are not accessible so easily, or have the time frames to dedicate. I am also led to believe that these services I require, aren’t available to those like myself, diagnosed ADHD, even though they are greatly required.
Through this on-going self-discovery of sorts, journey that I am under-taking at the moment, I have decided to manipulate and question the deeper meaning to literal words, categories, and labels that have been causing me a lot of confusion such as, the difference between sympathy and empathy. My understanding of these two word presently, leads me to believe primarily, I am naturally empathetic and that being sympathetic is secondary, unnatural to me. Stereotypes, stigmas and questions will all be looked into and researched taking into consideration my own and others experiences.
These words are just generally summarised, interchangeable with experiences and knowledge gathered over time, and based on my current understandings of them, whether accurate or not, at the moment of writing this. To truly understand you would have to delve deeper, accept the invite to walk with me for a moment into so many contradicting, confusingly frustrating answers, questions and revelations. Maybe together mysteries or already answered puzzles can be solved or connected. (Human Rubik cube’s)
This leads me on to puzzles and tests, are they not just peculiar statistically fascinating patterns, with so many possibilities at times, some easily solvable, others not quite as simple. Some tests I take highlight autistic traits whilst other tests show case traits that do not exist? Is it because of the way the question is so broadly but narrowly asked, I wonder? Could it be orientated at the wrong or generalised sex? Do all parties involved understand the intent and meaning? As I learn I evolve therefore should this not be reflective in the tests I do. (awareness versus ignorance)
Is that a personality disorder? (BPD) I have been led to believe it is in some perceptions. Especially when I do not appear to have the ability to express it so comfortably or meticulously filtered. Common sense would suggest personality issues come hand in hand with mental health issues. If it is creating disorder with in your natural order then, to some extent or another it is a disorder, is it not?
We are all a subject of mental health and can become a victim or survivor of it. The difference being, is it a clinical issue or not? My search for answers led me to here, to my own personal blog. The hope being that through this form of communication, I can open opportunities for light to be cast in my shadows, hopefully opening doors for myself and others that were once firmly sealed shut.
My focus is life in all its natural shapes and forms, but people may that be grouped, individuals and more acutely myself are my true focus, because they are my biggest puzzle. I write because it is therapeutic, but I created this website for broader understanding and deeper insight in my life long search that all humanity can relate to. This is having the correct skills, methods and techniques for balancing my scales to achieve equilibrium, in one sense or another. Maybe you might fight comfort, answers or simply be empathetic to the articles contained on this website, whatever the reason I hope my words have been of some use, especially to those they are targeted at.
Looking at it in the metaphorical sense, is life not ‘like riding a bike’, once shown you never forget how to (or so they say). The tricky part is after a long time of not using or doing it, do you still have the ability to access the knowledge to use it, or do you need a refresher course? I am beginning to believe that once anything is registered by any of ones senses, it is stored in your subconscious, just depends if you have allowed yourself the ability to access it, at this moment in time or possibly some point in the future.
My writings will be varied, updated and contributed to on as regular basis as possible, as writing and reading are the best therapy tools I have. As I learn, this blog will grow with me, any suggestions, feedback, insight or thoughts please comment. I hope you enjoy or find use out of my words, as I will from yours and the peoples I hear or see past, present and future. Those who are currently helping and reading my articles, have made the purpose and goal of this website achieved and I thank you for that. Now what happens next is yet to be seen, all articles are categorised in the menu, this will grow and change as the website develops