To be a rebel, is one who doesn’t fit societies mould of ‘normal’

Words are manmade by humanity to help with understanding, interpreted differently by everyone to help gain more insight and understanding. 

From the day I took my first able breath at 0006 hours, (a Libra in the third Decanate, which is the last sequential sign within the element) to my grand old age of 30 😝 I always have and always will be, a constant rebellion because I don’t fit sometimes, with what is deemed as the ‘norm’.

The reason I say grand old age is because, I once wrote the words contained in another article A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018, to a special compassionate GP some time ago, in the world of the lost. When all hope had left and I became a vortex of every emotion, my light nearly snuffed.

This man gave me many dynamic perspectives and opened my eyes repeatedly when I had become stuck, somewhat trapped in a self-destructive internal prison.

He has been my hope in humanity, where the specialist or other professionals have otherwise been less successful. Sometimes what we think is helping maybe disabling but I would have been truly lost without the help of my action man and GP.

As both mine and my GP’s cries for help were unable to be answered by my mental health team, I began looking into stress.  After the words written to my saviour, I had an epiphany in a sense, and yes both words are intentionally used and will be manipulated.

I have done so because they are the best fit to describe, even though it sounds overly eccentric.  This gentleman GP has gone with, and against normal procedures and protocols, just looking at the individual.

Never intentionally to rigid or shy to admit someone’s skill may be more useful. He goes out of his way repeatedly, has never given up and never will as his eyes and words shine true, therefore I believe in him.

I have become attached because over the years, time no matter how small plus familiarity has allowed us to build a rapport, on a level different from the norm. (A diamond in the rough)

I was extremely stressed trying to fit, learning how to communicate with everyone else.  It caused me to forget how to communicate to those that mattered most. By shutting them out I did protect, but I still damaged which I am busily repairing now. 

This is extremely difficult when everything is the same but different.  I then began remembering and cementing the fact that you can make it through anything, if, you have one person strong enough for both or all, (and I am) but the ball is always fully in your own court, just depends if you invite me in, or I invite or gatecrash yours. (working on that :-P)

We can all relate to stress but what happens when your stress becomes more intense. One way of relating would be a ‘grip’ stress, which can cause someone to slip into the realm of their inferior function. The inferior function (secondary) is a wee slimy sleeked bugger at times, with a sycophantic influence too your superior function (main), think this is linkable to personality typology which was insightful.

Sometimes I excel at some abilities whilst losing others, whereas at other times I’m balanced and able to achieve equilibrium, well my version anyway, unique to my individual. When I am balanced and if the word fits, my colours are bright and I have control over what I allow others to see. People are absorbed and infatuated when my colours have a positive impact.

When you begin turning them logical, analytical and inquisitive, you can physically feel and see some types of characters brains sending warning signals, at least that is how my peripheral vision sees it in some.

I can see them physically and mentally recoiling as they retreat to protect themselves, with their tail dangling between their legs, trying to work out what is happening.

I am so hard on myself to ensure I learn and don’t repeat the same mistakes, but it is internally killing me and I need to stop it.   This society wants to think its modern, fairy tales of peace, love, harmony, and, acceptance but I beg to differ (one step forward, two steps back).

I rebel against common sense, I rebel against labels that impact and change my life, that is not accurately understood, or misunderstood by any individual involved. I rebel against rigid systems and procedures designed and funded to help individuals like myself….

Heres a revelation and a half that I hope to change, getting access to this so-called “help” could end your journey, not your issues,

There will be many different opinions on that statement, a debatable one I’m sure but it is my perception at the moment, through experience.

Peoples perceived conceptions of life can be crippling to themselves and others around them. My story is an on-going one that is filled with so many past, present, and still yet to come in my future just like every other person.

Society, the majority and minority, together we need to start broadening our understandings and awareness because, ignorance is a choice not a disability.

Because I choose to take the time to educate myself on every aspect possible, to some extent or another given time restraints and resources? That makes others uncomfortable at times as they do not like to think things in certain ways.

Is that a reason to avoid thinking about it because it makes them uncomfortable?

Does that make me the disabled one?

Well, your ignorance and expectations of my tolerance levels will always make me uncomfortable (vice versa) which is an end note to this blog, and onto another future one.

Have you ever heard of a quarter-life crisis? I’d heard of a mid-life crisis but quarter, that was new to me and wish I’d found it sooner, would have saved a lot of time

It happens to us in some sense, when we can become doubtful about our own lives, which is brought on by the stresses of becoming an adult.

The realisation could be that life is too short, that everything may not happen for a reason at all, or that truth and rationality are not governing forces, or even the fact that you will always be the one that loves more.

My quarter-life crisis boiled down to realising that the ideal circumstances I’ve been trying to fit my life into, may not exist.

That’s when I decided I can’t keep waiting, we can’t keep waiting, we owe it to ourselves to live our lives to the greatest and fullest possible ways, within our capabilities.

Whether that’s alone or part of a family, just live because waiting for that person to show up and change our lives just might not happen, so you’ve possibly wasted all that time.  I hope for me and yourself, that we change that.

To read this article click the link Heard of a midlife crisis but a quarter-life crisis, what is that?

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature image by pixabay

Other articles in this section

  1. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  2. New insights and understandings in my journey through, psychological and neurological disorders 
  3. Investigating personality: An INTJ, diagnosed ADHD females personality traits, explored
  4. A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression
  5. A little insight into one’s mental health and wellbeing

 

Sunday 30th September 2018; Antipsychotics and psychology

My experiences with antipsychotics are mixed and I know others who have not experienced the side effects I did with Quetiapine or require as large a dose I did, this was during a really traumatic time. Unfortunately, the side effect was restlessness to an extreme, the feeling and need to detach yourself from your legs or saw them off.

When we got this feeling to a manageable one with other medications a 600mg dose a day to function was achievable with Quetiapine 2 years ago, not required now though this was during a traumatic time where it felt like my mind was being fed rocket fuel.

It is worth noting a 25mg dose of Quetiapine gave me this side-effect as soon as the drug began working in my system. The improvements made me just learn to cope with this feeling which created its own problems

I’m currently taking a 1.5mg dose of Haloperidol twice a day which has not given me the side effect I had with quetiapine to the same level, but many of the benefits. It has created restlessness and anxiety which I have the two pills to counteract that with which I will start on Monday but it is reducing the speed of my conscious thoughts, I’m diagnosed ADHD

The primary use for antipsychotics is to treat psychosis more commonly found in conditions such as schizophrenia or bipolar but these are not my conditions.

Psychosis is where a person loses contact with their own environment or external reality ranging from disorderly thoughts to hallucinations. Psychoanalysis is about investigating the unconscious elements of the mind, rather than what is at the forefront in your conscious mind that could be part of the problem.

Psychosomatic is where your condition is made worse by mental factors such as stress, anxiety or depression. Psychotherapy is about treating the mental disorder or disorders through psychological means rather than medical.

Unfortunately, I am making a habit of repeating myself here but the whole point in my need to see a psychologist literates and revolves around those two small paragraphs in the words written above but because I cannot produce a timeline for whatever reason she has no intention of meeting me???

I have to remember not to ‘shoot the messenger’ who happens to be my community psychiatric nurse.

The professionals are the only ones that have access to the resources I need, the only ones that are accessible to me to teach me what I missed or haven’t learnt. I am a keen learner and not a fan of walls, I have a habit of finding a way through it one way or another if it is an unnecessary distractingly avoidant obstacle creating problems

I was tired of the communication problems so went about finding an alternative route in order to rectify that but it didn’t work in the way I had hoped. I was told to write a diary years ago which I did but It was looked at once for all of 30-60 seconds before an opinion was expressed

‘it’s as tangled as my present’…… actually, it wasn’t you just looked through a very narrowed scope or far too wide.

Setting up this blog primarily was so they could have access to my words which was almost pointless, a speech and language therapist used it and seen straight away I needed the psychologist and I think she was under the impression she had managed to source that for me.

The reason it is not pointless is that it has helped me and many others which I intend to take steps further to make it more effectively relevant.

As I become more comfortable about telling my story, I will focus on adding in the details instead of brushing over the surface, but generalising my writing was how I got my feet wet, now I’m almost ready to dive right in.

Maybe it’s about time I took my own lid off and show what is inside, you only live once as they say, show my individual

So we have psychotherapist whose job it is to try and rehabilitate in a sense, a human being, equipping them with skills and knowledge to repair, teach or manage their mental disorders where able.

This is done in an attempt to lessen dependency on medical care which is on the agenda for me supposedly but I’ve been hearing the words the last couple years or so but yet…. nothing,

I wonder how many other people have this problem with getting access to the therapist, professionals or any other of the services available but inaccessible to yourself, even when you meet the criteria.

How many only have the pills to learn how to manage which is a problem in its self and if so, why?

Is this an issue only with the National health service in my area or the whole of Britain?

Everything I am reading, hearing and experiencing answers most of those questions but I suppose I don’t like the answer 

I honestly believe she can help one day, this clinical psychologist if she actually becomes part of my reality instead of someone forever just out of reach with one hoop after another.

I cannot get my head around it and it is eliciting feelings that are only negative where once upon a time I would have suppressed them, but I’m tired of this cycle it does me no favours just makes it easier for the other not to feel overly obligated or obliged, but I have learnt a lot when I changed my focus in Spring to me after another brick wall.

I see a person maybe once a month improved to once a fortnight recently who has no idea what to do with me and that makes me wonder about the working relations of the team I am told can and will support me by a speech and language therapist.

Then on the other hand by someone else I am told if it becomes too challenging or they feel there is nothing more they can do, they can discharge me, that’s the impression I have taken regardless and I am fed up with it.

So I am reliant on two General Practitioners who are actually doing something that makes a difference. Yes I was, have previously and presently been prescribed antipsychotics which is another story in itself I intend to delve into the experience in more detail, I’ve only brushed over it here

I am not a fan of medications for personal reason and the majority of the time I don’t require medication just methods and techniques.  One reason is that you have to learn how to manage the changes in your body and until you take the pill regardless of how much information you read, you have no idea how it is going to affect you.

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

At the end of the day we all like to feel somewhere we belong

Sometimes in life, we can become tired of being the people that everyone wants us to be. We can become confused with who we are as we try to stay on top of the Pedis stools we have placed ourselves, or, have been placed upon.

It can begin to feel like we are sinking and becoming submerged, barely bobbing above the surface because we really do not understand what is expected of us sometimes, completely taken off guard whilst we are unaware.

When we try to walk in the shoes of another it can be a heavy burden to carry where every step taken can just feel like another mistake made.

Causing some to become introverted, withdrawing into themselves where the sense of becoming numb is a welcomed relief. Where you become so tired because you have become so aware, you begin to miss the person you truly are.

Sometimes we can become so trapped within our internal prisons reality is not welcomed in a sense. We become so numb, exhausted and feeling so alone regardless of how many people surround you.

Life is about both your successes and your failures and at points, you will fail. When you’re knocked down you have to dig deep to find whatever anchors you, stand back up and brush yourself off, learn from your mistakes.

Our anxieties can suffocate those closest because it eventually projects on to them possibly due to fear. Obviously being a parent I want what is best for my kids but their core foundation needs to be happy

When we fear a loss of control we can smother it holding on to tightly because all of our ideologies have faced reality, some will hold but others wont

Failures can have the best rewards if a lesson is learnt and we change what caused it in the first place. It’s easy to write the words but doing it in practice is an entirely different thing but something I do daily, continuously evolving to the best version of myself I can be.

I often hear the words ‘stay true to yourself’ and they hold more depth than I once gave them credit. Individualism is about being you, yes we all have similarities some more than others but don’t lose yourself in that process because there’s no known duration on how long the trip back takes.

We all want to feel like we have somewhere we belong but sometimes we get so lost in what feels like the nothingness but a whole load of something, that can become temporarily blinding. I become detached physically trying to get back to thinking in my right mind.

When I first began blogging I wrote so that those aiding in my search for answers and understanding could read my words for a change, because my medical records are a mess.  That is not why I write now, I do it because it’s therapeutic, it has helped and related to many others, which is humbling.

I learnt a lot from this journey and reading the words of others that I realised I am not the only person who has these thoughts of feeling stuck, hollow and alone whether we blame ourselves or not

My goal is to heal where damage has been done, letting go of the pain that isn’t doing me any justice. The process is hard but daily all the little changes are starting to add up to big ones.

For a long time, I got stuck in fantasy novels because I needed a reprieve from my reality, reading like an addict trying to erase all the pain until it was gone.

Sometimes there is no one to help us along our way so we have to do it on our own. Healing the old wounds allows us to be stronger for any more to come by learning to manage and control them and sometimes that means breaking away from yourself, the internal prison that may be doing more damage than good.

I always wanted to belong somewhere and the funny thing is I always have I just got blindsided. I am fortunate enough to have the family I have and together we seem to make the impossible possible

We can all become a little obsessive over time trying to grab some more, waste or be oblivious to the time we have.  This is where i realised the journey of life is more important than the start or the end.

We all try so hard and eventually only get so far but in the end, it doesn’t even matter, what does is what you have contributed, took or gave from your life.

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by Giallo 

Other articles in this section

  1. Saturday 1st September 2018; Splitting hairs between emotions and feelings
  2. Saturday 8th September 2018; What do you do when no one knows what is wrong with you, 3 years later????
  3. Tuesday 11th September 2018; Esteem and confidence, looking at the brighter side of life
  4. Saturday 15th September 2018; The little things adding up

The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale – Revised; comparing and explaining results in an attempt to understand

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – Feature photo by pexels

I took the Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-revised at aspie tests, if you would like to take it just click the underlined text to get access to them.  You have to set up an account first but they haven’t spammed once and I’ve been a member for months, there are also many other tests to take.

Although this test is designed not to be taken solely but rather with a professional in a clinical setting, we don’t all have this privilege.  I do not believe we have the professionals available to take the test with me at different intervals in the relevant timescales, I was once told this was because they were understaffed.

Although this test is supposed to be done in a clinical setting that can be quite unsettling for me if I’m honest. Therefore this is likely impacting and influencing the results.  It is hard to diagnose me because my disabilities or disorders do not present definitive or easily observable symptoms.

I am 30 years old with my eldest being 10, I have learnt plenty through observant trial and error, although not enough in some retrospects but I’m still young and im forever changing.

I first took this test 3 months ago with an overall score of 172 on the 17th June 2018.  I retook it on the 17th September 2018 and scored an overall score of 161.  The threshold is 65 for being suspected of Autism, this result was 11 points less this time but 95 above the threshold.

Some of the phrasing in the words caused me to overthink the question plus it is quite complex trying to stay focused on the answer choices.  I came across this article from a fellow blogger who took the test back in 2012 where it was said the questions seem to be skewed more towards Social relatedness and male orientated.

There are 80 questions on the RAADS-R that cover 4 symptoms of Language, Social relatedness, sensory-motor, and circumscribed interests.  I intend to explain a little about the 4 categories coinciding with my past and present results representative of their relevant label.4

In language Junes result was 14 whilst Septembers 12 threshold 4, Social relatedness was 66.0 now 71.0 threshold 31.  The sensory/ motor in June was 56.0 now it is 50 threshold 16 whereas Circumscribed interest was 36.0 and is now 28.0 threshold 15

I’m beginning to believe many of us don’t care about there being a right and wrong answer, it’s becoming more about understanding

This test has been designed to accommodate the fact some adults who show a presentation of autism may no longer have symptoms, that were there in childhood but no longer present in adulthood and vice versa

Another brilliant point made in the article linked above was the phrasing of the words.  The words ‘always/never/only‘ were often used causing the test to take longer as these words were mulled over, I agree that ‘sometimes‘ or ‘most of the time‘ could have been more fitting

Language is just how human beings communicate either in written or spoken words depending on circumstance, system or style.  Some do have persistent problems with social communication and social interactions can be problematic

I’m forever having my tones picked apart in formal and informal settings  When I was younger I struggled with gestures or tones of voices but i have improved over the years.

Once upon a time I used to have a literal understanding of language and used to believe people meant what they said.  An example would be when my mother told me frogs give you warts, to stop me from bringing all the critters home.

This eventually did work when I got a wart and stopped bringing them home. Obviously, no truth behind my mother’s words that I genuinely believed, it was a coincidence. It was in my late twenties and I freaked about kids touching frogs that had my partner put me right in my thinking.

I learnt in many a harder way than that, to learn not to take everything at face value and not believe everything you hear.  In my younger days facial expressions, tones, jokes, and sarcasm were my nemesis.

I have had the privilege of watching 10 years in a girl blossom and have had nearly 4 with my little boy.  This journey has taught me to become more aware of what we allow our eyes to perceive.  I can understand a lot better than I express nowadays.

I used to have great difficulty understanding other peoples feelings and intentions, followed by knowing how to express how I feel about it.  When I’m overloaded I seek alone time, I don’t tend to seek it from others.

Too many occasions, I have appeared insensitive as I try to figure out the problem and how to rectify, fix or move on from.  This can then lead to opinions and views that I am behaving in a socially inappropriate way.

To have restricted and repetitive patterns of behavious, activities, and interests can mean preferring more of a routine or lack of change, liking the same thing.  It can be hard to take a different approach when you have been taught the right or certain way to do it, I prefer to prepare for the change in advance where possible but have learnt to adapt where possible.

You can be overly sensitive to sounds, touch, tastes, smells, lights, colours, and temperatures becoming unbearably loud or distracting creating fascinations, anxiety or even pain

Finding where to challenge your interest or focus when pursuing these can be fundamental to one’s wellbeing and happiness.

I have taken these test 3 months apart and still score really high.  I have learnt a lot and realise this test is based on accuracy so understanding it is important.  I am diagnosed ADHD officially but this journey is not finished

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding, and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Sunday 19th August 2018; looking into empathy and sympathy created the literal word empathiser

How many can relate to the words seen, felt, or heard from books, movies, or people such as, looking at heaven living through hell? Everyone at some point past, present and future will have felt the desperation or burning desire to separate themselves, from their reality.

When I’m doing the biggest sprint or long distance marathon around the circumference of mine, or another’s black hole, I find answers whilst looking at questions, regardless if they are accepted in all perceived perceptions or not, it becomes irrelevant.

With me as the focus, this is my life where I have dependents and not just the ones I’ve created, so being a sympathiser and an empathiser are essential in relation to being able to express, feel and understand empathy and sympathy, where I once may have been lacking depending on how you choose, want, or are able, to perceive it.

I am a reader at heart which is my obsession and place of solace, a deep intuitive thinker and these words are stemmed from that alongside, research and life through comparison, expressed through me.

I now believe I do have an understanding and answer I am content with, alongside a way of explaining a 30 year long conundrum personally relating to myself, with regards to the words empathy and sympathy, or empathise and sympathise, or ………. and sympathiser, in a literal sense.

The ‘natural empathiser’ is a communication platform in a virtual sense, another extension created from the workings of my brain.

By explaining, understanding, and attempting to communicate, my internal language and way of thinking externally, I hope others on a similar journey or coincidingly aiding with mine, can gain deeper understanding and insight.

Verbal communication is not always the most effectively useful method to use for myself and others, therefore I can become selfish and dependant on words in every scope and sense.

I write for myself and now others to mull, sympathise or empathise with, as my opinions and views are influenced and changed, through mine and others experiences

This is my fight for survival and at times I can assure you, my way will not be of the ‘norm’ or completely orthodox to the system one may desire me to fit.  This is the only way I know how, that saves myself and others with the desire and drive to survive, each and every time, unravelling the tangle so too speak.

My way of thinking intrigues, frustrates, and influences others that I have met, causing them to think in ways that elicit feelings of both empathy and sympathy simultaneously, depending on mine or their, mindset.

I do this as I try to understand and explain the individuality, which has many a confusing contradiction.  I am currently trying to learn to control, manipulate or brace for impact in more effectively resourceful, and beneficial outcomes for all.

Sometimes I can be extremely sympathetic or empathetic, eventually resulting in neither.  This can have positive and negative impacts for myself and others, who may or may not be comfortable in that setting.  We can become influenced in how we think, behave, or understand the exchanges or events that have took place.

I don’t know what I believe but there is one thing I always settle myself on, which I need to change to my constant.  That would be equilibrium, a balance which is a course of action, a way of seeing or way of thinking, that I will not allow my eyes or ears to be deceived, the cost is to great.

It would be a lot easier in an ignorant sense if I did, and I may appear to be temporarily doing just that, at times.  I have learnt the true meaning to the words, you cant run from yourself.

More often than not if you do, there is a trail of destruction and aftermath left that is no easy task for the faint hearted, to repair, fix and move on from.

As time passes I understand more and more some things are unexplainable in one sense whilst being, predictably ignorant but yet aware at the same time, in another.

If I allow myself to hide behind where I have been deceived  or ignorant to in the past I become disabled, my awareness enables me because shutting down is my disease.

The answers do live indefinitely, and sometimes, we have to simply face it because we can not change it, which is a reality we all have to accept at times.

I become sick and tired trying to work out, how many questions is it going to take to find me?

I am Natural regardless because I am a human being, a product of, or from mother nature, naturally conceived and as far as I am aware, naturally delivered into this world.  This is where many a lesson has been taught in some extreme ways, bringing me to an understanding in more depth and scope.

I do not believe I was brought into this world with what we have seen, as a majority wiring in the brain.  This is just a theory with no actual visual proof of sorts, but there may possibly be one day, who knows. 

I have researched and played around with the words empathy and sympathy more acutely, coming to the realisation that once upon a time I could explain and understand empathy and sympathy, but unable to feel and express it in ways deemed ‘the norm’  

The word ‘Empathiser ‘as far as I’m aware is not a recognised word in the English language or Oxford dictionary, that is why I have declared myself one as no one seems to recognise me.

We have a sympathiser which is a person who agrees or supports a sentiment, opinion, or ideology.  I learnt to be a sympathiser in the extreme sense through out my tweens to younger adolescence.

When I had my children I learnt to be an……..

Empathiser – which is a person who understands or explains through comparison, a sentiment, opinion or ideology.

Well at least my interpretation, definition and meaning of the word, therefore allowing me to say I am neither empathy nor sympathy, I’m something else entirely, when splintering.

What I hope and plan to achieve is placing my internal scales the majority of the time, at a balance. slightly tilting when necessary.  This is my strive through sheer will, determination and focus for equilibrium on a personal level.

I know I will achieve this eventually more often, as I do manage to achieve it naturally on occasions, with a little help from other people.

I have came to the realisation life isn’t easy for anyone at times, sometimes, there are not enough words to make a sentence for someone else to understand and explain.  This can challenge things even further, making it even harder to find your way.

A survivor of life against a deadly disease we relate to as cancer once said these words to me, that have played over in my head time and time again, (a triggered thought when the situation links, and everything falls in line.)

She said to me ‘there has to be a heaven, because we are all ready living in hell’, she wasn’t just talking about the disease or treatment eating away at her, but everything in her life and others she was aware, to date.

I once had life described as hell which in too many a sense, its a close replica to what I have learnt and seen, interpreted from the word.    The emotional highs and lows that we feel on this obstacle we call life vary in a dynamically fascinating, sometimes unexplainable in a logical or rational way.

How one begins explaining depends on the steps you’ve took, the sights you’ve seen and the experiences you have had that may or may not, coincide with another

Doesn’t matter who, what or where you are, anyone regardless of the circle or class their from  can stumble upon the long road, cross road, or slams straight into a barricade in their life.

This can be because of anything, everything, and whatever is in between, because every single human being  can become overwhelmingly complicated, threatening to engulf if given the chance.

We all question ourselves, our integrity and pride, often described and linked to self destructive tendencies one may say.  Regardless, it has knock on effects for oneself and another, impacting self esteem and confidence.

I do not know how to put myself first or even think about myself before others anymore, because I was told I done it to extreme once upon a time, so my problem seems to be a contrasting one that I’m beginning to rectify.

I’m the living breathing organism that is smoke and mirrors, by focusing on other problems, I can detach from myself essentially, hiding or avoiding.  I find it’s easier helping someone else, distracts and gives me a reprieve from my internal prison of damnation .

I’m always trying to keep those closest happy without realising, by forgetting about myself it has knock on effects.  One in particular is the influences on what I put out, more often that not getting nothing back in return, causing me to lose faith in myself and others.

What I’m beginning to understand is how much I’m hurting myself, and those closest in the long run.  I used to say when I was on a one way ticket to the place my demons go, no one should have to witness, be a part of or a bystander in, without understanding you may end up losing yourself in the process, and I stand by it.

I have been reminded that silence is not always the best option but neither is too many words.  If I don’t like, agree or see sense in it I will express it, because I’m sick and tired of imploding till eventually, I explode.

This cycle is far too unpredictably predictable, and can leave many a casualty or survivor.  As time passes and I’m taught better ways to communicate, hopefully my word choices get better verbally, controlling the balance of melting and shutting down.

I don’t have to burn in side when I don’t have enough words to make a sentence verbally, because my mind is working way to fast to find the right way.  Sometimes there is no one size fits all, right or wrong way solution.  The only option is to learn how to lessen, prepare, or avoid the impact.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth – feature photo by pixabay

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Wednesday 15th August 2018, the birth of Lilly Fall

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com Feature photo by pixabay at http://www.pexels.com

Somehow during this crazy rollercoaster of a ride we call life, I got lost along the way, which happens more often than I can manage at times these days, and I need to be found. 

Unfortunately, as I have learnt through first hand experience and others, being trapped within yourself can be the most soul destroying, heart breaking confinement to witness, be a part of or break out of, impacting and influencing in the most extraordinarily confusing ways, sometimes unanswerable, taught or learnt.

Being able to pin point the exact moment has almost run its course of creational destruction, testing my self-control too breaking point, evolutionary and innovatively original ways of thinking or reacting, a necessity.

The only way it can be narrowed down, detached whilst still attached and uninfluenced, is too categorise it into one manageably intangible label, by combining fiction and reality, enabling the birth of ‘Lilly Falls’, becoming tangible and real, unavoidable, the demand and need to great for myself and those closest.

My survival instincts and fight or flight reactors have kicked in, my walls coming up protecting where I once may have been vulnerable, because I showed weakness in a way that caused personal repulsions. I allowed myself to become covered and drenched in self-pity, self-hated, self-sabotage, self-destruction, felt like a little girl, lost.

This is usually done privately but was witnessed by another, becoming my disabilities instead leaving me no choice but to rebel, slamming through the wall instead of hiding behind it, my feet grounded and rooted.

This behaviour and outlook shouldn’t be the reflection of this mother of 2 in a relationship, a 30 year old female who really needs to pull herself together in my opinion.  This questionable cycle is my constant or so it seems to be the case the majority of the time, but no more.

Hopefully the process will speed up after I meet with the clinical psychologist, but there are things I can do in the mean time. Breathing, voicing and asking the question, “what do I do now”, because these waiting processes take longer at times, than the time frame it takes for my mental health to deteriorate.

I think the reality is my pride and dignity felt lost and truly clueless, as I seen myself through different eyes.  I did not like the emotions portrayed in them or their accuracy, giving me my sight and drive back, where I once was blindly lost

Most of my answers have come from the silent, unspoken or hidden words desperately needing voiced, behind the lens.

I’ve spent years manipulating myself into a tangle, or so it appears rewiring my brain to the point the originality of the foundations I was built on top off, can no longer be seen. The other day during an appointment sparked and fuelled this way of thinking, intentionally or not, but welcomed with a warm embrace. My story is pitifully desperate and pathetic, filled with self-loathing and hatred, taught by many a harsh lesson and revolutionary discovery, but their is a bright side.

Because I breathed the words or dared say them aloud to someone truly listening, and proving by actions not just words, left no room for delusions or hiding in my head. Every time I look back I see where I have worded things wrong, but a complete deliberate  but methodical way in answering more questions, at too rapid a speed for normal conversation.

I am beginning to believe by  confusing and tangling everything, it allows me to manage my emotions or chemical balances, maybe for analysis I wonder, because I feel vulnerably exposed or desperate, almost demandingly avoidant. It’s something I have always done, but I am becoming consciously more aware of making it easier to realise, but yet still continuously happening in a somewhat more manageable way.

I had a moment where I truly realised how lost I had become, I felt pitifully pathetic and started the amazing delusional act of self-destruction. I am my worst critic, a former crisis nurse I no longer have, saved me from myself time and time again once said to me, I was really hard on myself, this is intentional because my words are bluntly harsh when relating to myself. By being this way it knocks me off the one way ticket down the black hole of abyss I like to refer to as anxiety and depression. I’ve had to be this to bring me back to reality, to find or prevent myself from becoming lost or trapped.

I’m damaged doesn’t take a genius, or a degree to work that out. From a young age I’ve found myself saying this brain, that is able to learn and do things different from the ‘norm’, is a curse. This journey with mental health has taught me, that curse is a gift if learnt how to control, a neurological disorder coinciding with psychological disorders that disable me, nobody understood or could explain in my circles at the time, but I’m told I will get, because they are there, and will have access to them at some point in the future.

Believe me you, that is not the first time I have heard those words but no actions to solidify, but believe you me I think I do now, because of the determination, sincerity and passion behind them, matching her eyes.  That has me believing that there are still people holding the heart of this national health system in their hands, keeping it beating manually, patience and determination to never give up has led me right to them.  I hope to be saying the words I’ve only been able too read or hear from others before, in my future.  Made possible and thanks to those from my past and present.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Facebook Group and page: Natural Empathiser and Natural Empathisers

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com

To truly understand you have to delve deeper, accept this invitation to walk with me for a moment into so many contradicting, confusingly frustrating answers, questions and revelations.  Maybe together mysteries or already answered puzzles can be solved or connected. (Human Rubik cube’s)

We are all moulded to fit certain expectations but what happens when you force yourself, or are forced to fit into rigid structures? Does it create depression and anxiety? Are social pressures becoming more intense or are we becoming a permanent fixtured reality tv show like big brother where privacy is outdated? As myself, yourself, and others open their books, allowing insight into their stories, I hope to broaden my understandings and hopefully find answers, where there once appeared to be, none. (turning my ignorance to awareness)

When ones mental health and wellbeing are skewed, it seems like common sense to have issues with your personality. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult and untreated for 30 years, and I don’t mean medicated.  This has created many a psychological disorder over the years, creating lots of confusion to whether or not I am Autistic.

I believe through time, research and help from those able, one day I will get a definitive answer to whether I am only ADHD, Autistic or both.  All my days people, society, and systems have told me in many a varied way, that I am different and don’t fit the ‘norm’.  Being referred to as abnormal most my days has now been given the label to fit, but life has already delivered many detrimental blows with many knock on effects my entire life, whether intentional or not.

This has led me to a new path, where the therapy I will undertake can help gain insights into what damage needs repaired, in relation to my mental health in order to gather more resources, to answer the question whether I am on the spectrum more accurately?  I have created the blog/website www.naturalempathiser.com for those who can relate, who may find my words of use, but my primary goal was for those who can help, to have and be able to, gain access and insights to my words, without any systems or procedures getting breached or causing miscommunication, in a more timely and effective manner, which I believed was achieved to some extent, so what next?

I don’t agree with everything I or others have done before, but it’s through others and our own mistakes we learn. The problem wasn’t solely people, or systems, it was fitting in to somewhere so contradictory and insensible, a society that disables itself repeatedly. I do question whether it is possible for humanity to reach equilibrium, as I do not believe we are naturally supposed to live the way we are, but it is how you create an orderly society in which we all can live.

There are many whose stories or voices can’t or won’t be heard, for a vast and varied amount of reasons. This group is a place to share your stories, experiences and insights in an individual way, where the labels are just guidelines to allow for deeper understanding and insight, not set in stone. There are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world, so any label or categories you are placed are generalised not individualised. How many people in the world have the same diagnosis, neurological or Psychological disability/disorder, personality or whatever else, as you do? I’m interested in the difference between them, to find and understand the Individual, behind the label.

This Facebook group is a new project stemmed from the website http://www.naturalempathiser.com  for those relevant to hear or read, mine and others voices. I hope to open a communication platform of sorts, for whoever finds it of use, or the words relatable, who have difficulties at times with their psychological and neurological disorders. A virtual community where labels and words are just guidelines and insights for a deeper understanding. As I learn, my blog, group and page will grow with me, any suggestions, feedback, insight or thoughts please comment. I hope you enjoy or find use out of my words, as I will from yours and the peoples I hear or see past, present and future.

Just either click here and in the menu you can like, follow or join the group

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser