Thursday 23rd August 2018, never forget the old discovering the new

Source of writing feature photo by Pixabay

We are always looking for new ways to do things, even in times when it is not necessary, especially when we do not understand it.  I never forget the old when I discover something new, it is how I decide my next steps.

I am beginning to understand what I once upon a time thought wasn’t possible, for someone like me in to many ways, that I have not learnt yet how to communicate.  The reasons are many but I have either forgotten, never or yet to be taught, how to put it, express it or explain it in a language, that is understandable, insightful and useful, seems to be my consistently persistent challenge

I’m a reader, used to created stories because they weren’t real….. Easier or so I had deluded myself to believe, just helped me escape my reality by living in someone else’s fantasies. I haven’t really been able to complete a book for some time, almost worse than losing access to being able to write in 2016.  

I have had to become hyper focused on untangling and fixing certain areas and aspects relating to my own life. 

I am also a writer, someone who has used it to help myself my entire life from the moment I knew how.  Sometimes I am unable to catch a single word to bring to life through pen and paper, typewriter or digitally, pictures emerge instead somewhat clusters where my hand flows turning doodles into understanding, visually.

Now I find myself sharing these words because I could not ignore the fact that there are far to many people out there suffering, unaware there is help there and not possibly in the conventional way.  I am currently being helped by a system where there most required resource is become obsolete, time scales stretched to impossibly frustrating and disabling lengths.

As I follow a new trail but never forgetting the old, I learn through intelligently intuitive insights with so much intellect, from experiences that cause the chemical balances in my body to produce complex levels, that my body rejects because they can cause them to spiral.

To put that in another way, someone reminded me that hopes, dreams and change can happen in the most fascinatingly unexplainable but necessary ways, whether you let it or not.  How you prepare, manage or control it is another journey I am only just coming to grips with, comparing old with new and finding the middle with the right people by my side

Recently I have had to do this in many areas in my life where decisions have, and have had to be made.  There is one in particular that has caused many a frustration but the deadlines fast approaching, and my scales have dipped to extremes both negatively and positively, but their balancing more acutely, with what I plan on studying.

I have decided accountancy and writing because they are both equally relevant, combining the two.  Sounds way better than forgetting all about everything I have tried to study for, the path I have worked towards over coming many an obstacle, for a few years now.

I am still learning how to juggle myself, family and life in general just like every human-being, going through a decluttering, organising and sorting of phase just now, in every way I am currently able.

I have learnt peoples experiences, the steps they have taken, and the outcomes that have happened, can exhaust, humble and ground simultaneously in the most peculiar of ways.  My verbal is not the best consistently, but I can try and help through writing and other projects, that I have begun undertaking because silence is not doing anyone any favours, at times.

For me change is evolutionarily unavoidable allowing me to come to the decision, I will not be studying psychology or science academically at the moment, because the change would be to big to manage, predict or control.

Another reason is because once upon a time I picked what I have chose to study for many a reason, more so because in high school I had only a few lessons in many subjects but business, the least.  Change is needed but I’m not going to solely focus on business or writing, I will combine them alongside psychology and science, but in a different way.

I used to read novels obsessively, I changed that….. words in many ways I could relate to because personally they are relevantly linkable and relatable to my present, past and future

Sometimes we can all think in the wrong frame of mind requiring slight alterations, to get it in the right frame.  For myself I am now back in my right mind, just the wrong frame, requiring careful manipulative moves altering the course, ever so slightly for my internal compass, but I will get there.

I am not a therapist, degree holder or someone that claims to know all.  I do study with the open university have for many years, read countless amounts of words, and have heard many a story.  I am a patient of the NHS, a mentally challenged one that you would never consider, if you allow your eyes to be deceived.

Out of the 3 gender categories at birth which are Female, Male and intersex, my gender is female and I have had 30 years, soon to be 31 in October.   Had no say in the gender, neither did my mum she only had the X chromosome. It was actually my dad who decided, when the strongest won.

Myself and my partner now have a number of days before our daughter turns 10 and we couldn’t be prouder.  Our son is a handful mind you but an amazing character who is just a wee pre-schooler.

So, I am a mother of 2, in a long-term relationship, who happens to be the very broad but required label female, who is a patient trying to understand and survive, similar but different things to yourself.

I seem to verbally communicate snippets, clues or questions as I hungrily search for more understanding, knowledge for my own personal growth, my families and others.  This is what guides and keeps me steering, on whatever course my life decides, chooses or wants.

The natural Empathiser used to be a solo journey or so I thought, it never really has been.  Yes I have created a website and begun communicating written and verbally, in many new and old ways.  If it wasn’t for the people who I have met, that I read or hear about, I wouldn’t be here today writing these words, life has a mysterious way of balancing itself out.

For more insight, understanding or for whatever reason brought you to my word in the first place, visit

If you are suffering and form of self hatred, anxiety or depression you might benefit from reading A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression, as someone who has been there and can relate, this is what I have discovered through my way of thinking, and something I once thought but now understand…….. your not alone.

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser