Wednesday 15th August 2018, the birth of Lilly Fall

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com Feature photo by pixabay at http://www.pexels.com

Somehow during this crazy rollercoaster of a ride we call life, I got lost along the way, which happens more often than I can manage at times these days, and I need to be found. 

Unfortunately, as I have learnt through first hand experience and others, being trapped within yourself can be the most soul destroying, heart breaking confinement to witness, be a part of or break out of, impacting and influencing in the most extraordinarily confusing ways, sometimes unanswerable, taught or learnt.

Being able to pin point the exact moment has almost run its course of creational destruction, testing my self-control too breaking point, evolutionary and innovatively original ways of thinking or reacting, a necessity.

The only way it can be narrowed down, detached whilst still attached and uninfluenced, is too categorise it into one manageably intangible label, by combining fiction and reality, enabling the birth of ‘Lilly Falls’, becoming tangible and real, unavoidable, the demand and need to great for myself and those closest.

My survival instincts and fight or flight reactors have kicked in, my walls coming up protecting where I once may have been vulnerable, because I showed weakness in a way that caused personal repulsions. I allowed myself to become covered and drenched in self-pity, self-hated, self-sabotage, self-destruction, felt like a little girl, lost.

This is usually done privately but was witnessed by another, becoming my disabilities instead leaving me no choice but to rebel, slamming through the wall instead of hiding behind it, my feet grounded and rooted.

This behaviour and outlook shouldn’t be the reflection of this mother of 2 in a relationship, a 30 year old female who really needs to pull herself together in my opinion.  This questionable cycle is my constant or so it seems to be the case the majority of the time, but no more.

Hopefully the process will speed up after I meet with the clinical psychologist, but there are things I can do in the mean time. Breathing, voicing and asking the question, “what do I do now”, because these waiting processes take longer at times, than the time frame it takes for my mental health to deteriorate.

I think the reality is my pride and dignity felt lost and truly clueless, as I seen myself through different eyes.  I did not like the emotions portrayed in them or their accuracy, giving me my sight and drive back, where I once was blindly lost

Most of my answers have come from the silent, unspoken or hidden words desperately needing voiced, behind the lens.

I’ve spent years manipulating myself into a tangle, or so it appears rewiring my brain to the point the originality of the foundations I was built on top off, can no longer be seen. The other day during an appointment sparked and fuelled this way of thinking, intentionally or not, but welcomed with a warm embrace. My story is pitifully desperate and pathetic, filled with self-loathing and hatred, taught by many a harsh lesson and revolutionary discovery, but their is a bright side.

Because I breathed the words or dared say them aloud to someone truly listening, and proving by actions not just words, left no room for delusions or hiding in my head. Every time I look back I see where I have worded things wrong, but a complete deliberate  but methodical way in answering more questions, at too rapid a speed for normal conversation.

I am beginning to believe by  confusing and tangling everything, it allows me to manage my emotions or chemical balances, maybe for analysis I wonder, because I feel vulnerably exposed or desperate, almost demandingly avoidant. It’s something I have always done, but I am becoming consciously more aware of making it easier to realise, but yet still continuously happening in a somewhat more manageable way.

I had a moment where I truly realised how lost I had become, I felt pitifully pathetic and started the amazing delusional act of self-destruction. I am my worst critic, a former crisis nurse I no longer have, saved me from myself time and time again once said to me, I was really hard on myself, this is intentional because my words are bluntly harsh when relating to myself. By being this way it knocks me off the one way ticket down the black hole of abyss I like to refer to as anxiety and depression. I’ve had to be this to bring me back to reality, to find or prevent myself from becoming lost or trapped.

I’m damaged doesn’t take a genius, or a degree to work that out. From a young age I’ve found myself saying this brain, that is able to learn and do things different from the ‘norm’, is a curse. This journey with mental health has taught me, that curse is a gift if learnt how to control, a neurological disorder coinciding with psychological disorders that disable me, nobody understood or could explain in my circles at the time, but I’m told I will get, because they are there, and will have access to them at some point in the future.

Believe me you, that is not the first time I have heard those words but no actions to solidify, but believe you me I think I do now, because of the determination, sincerity and passion behind them, matching her eyes.  That has me believing that there are still people holding the heart of this national health system in their hands, keeping it beating manually, patience and determination to never give up has led me right to them.  I hope to be saying the words I’ve only been able too read or hear from others before, in my future.  Made possible and thanks to those from my past and present.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Facebook Group and page: Natural Empathiser and Natural Empathisers

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com

To truly understand you have to delve deeper, accept this invitation to walk with me for a moment into so many contradicting, confusingly frustrating answers, questions and revelations.  Maybe together mysteries or already answered puzzles can be solved or connected. (Human Rubik cube’s)

We are all moulded to fit certain expectations but what happens when you force yourself, or are forced to fit into rigid structures? Does it create depression and anxiety? Are social pressures becoming more intense or are we becoming a permanent fixtured reality tv show like big brother where privacy is outdated? As myself, yourself, and others open their books, allowing insight into their stories, I hope to broaden my understandings and hopefully find answers, where there once appeared to be, none. (turning my ignorance to awareness)

When ones mental health and wellbeing are skewed, it seems like common sense to have issues with your personality. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult and untreated for 30 years, and I don’t mean medicated.  This has created many a psychological disorder over the years, creating lots of confusion to whether or not I am Autistic.

I believe through time, research and help from those able, one day I will get a definitive answer to whether I am only ADHD, Autistic or both.  All my days people, society, and systems have told me in many a varied way, that I am different and don’t fit the ‘norm’.  Being referred to as abnormal most my days has now been given the label to fit, but life has already delivered many detrimental blows with many knock on effects my entire life, whether intentional or not.

This has led me to a new path, where the therapy I will undertake can help gain insights into what damage needs repaired, in relation to my mental health in order to gather more resources, to answer the question whether I am on the spectrum more accurately?  I have created the blog/website www.naturalempathiser.com for those who can relate, who may find my words of use, but my primary goal was for those who can help, to have and be able to, gain access and insights to my words, without any systems or procedures getting breached or causing miscommunication, in a more timely and effective manner, which I believed was achieved to some extent, so what next?

I don’t agree with everything I or others have done before, but it’s through others and our own mistakes we learn. The problem wasn’t solely people, or systems, it was fitting in to somewhere so contradictory and insensible, a society that disables itself repeatedly. I do question whether it is possible for humanity to reach equilibrium, as I do not believe we are naturally supposed to live the way we are, but it is how you create an orderly society in which we all can live.

There are many whose stories or voices can’t or won’t be heard, for a vast and varied amount of reasons. This group is a place to share your stories, experiences and insights in an individual way, where the labels are just guidelines to allow for deeper understanding and insight, not set in stone. There are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world, so any label or categories you are placed are generalised not individualised. How many people in the world have the same diagnosis, neurological or Psychological disability/disorder, personality or whatever else, as you do? I’m interested in the difference between them, to find and understand the Individual, behind the label.

This Facebook group is a new project stemmed from the website http://www.naturalempathiser.com  for those relevant to hear or read, mine and others voices. I hope to open a communication platform of sorts, for whoever finds it of use, or the words relatable, who have difficulties at times with their psychological and neurological disorders. A virtual community where labels and words are just guidelines and insights for a deeper understanding. As I learn, my blog, group and page will grow with me, any suggestions, feedback, insight or thoughts please comment. I hope you enjoy or find use out of my words, as I will from yours and the peoples I hear or see past, present and future.

Just either click here and in the menu you can like, follow or join the group

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser