Pondering life and one of the pieces that is empathy

I decided to take a much-needed break with the family to get away from my day-to-day living.  Things seem to be piling on top of me where I needed a temporary change to shake things up.

It was hectic as took my other half’s mother along as well who hasn’t been away for a break in years and years, but we all enjoyed the reprieve.  My anxiety is still being a bit of a pest and my imagination is getting the better of me and unfortunately, at times it’s becoming physical symptoms, but it will pass.

Now that I am back my mind is taking a little time to settle because I met a mass range of different people, whose stories have so much raw emotional truth it was a little overwhelming.

I met a young girl who bet me at the conga line the first night, that had me belly laughing the night away.  Over the course of the next few days, our two sons played brilliantly.  My son has only just recently in the last couple of months started interacting with others more.

I learnt on the 3rd night that she has to sign with her son when he was apologising to my son, I assumed he was deaf then the story unraveled the final night.  It put truth to the saying don’t judge a book by the cover, you don’t know the story.

It also got me thinking how we don’t teach lessons to children on understanding emotions in this day and age in the school curriculum, despite there being growing expectations on society to understand it.

Her son is suspected to have Autism and I could understand why when she started filling in the gaps to the story.  He did not speak when he was younger, no noises or babbling and he had never played with someone, not the way he was wth my son.

She says her son is able to feel empathy and has shown on occasion that he can, I also learnt that the only way a pressure cuddle relieves this boy is by lying on his back when he is face down, then he will calm down.

She also expressed how confusing the journey was and how contradicting the advice sounds at times, her son has a speech and language therapist amongst many others. In my opinion, her children were well cared for, managed, and, behaved regardless of the fact she was a young mum with a disabled child, who had her first at 17 who is now 21.

The reason I have brought that up is because of a story she told me from her previous holiday the year before, where her son took an extreme meltdown banging his head off the floor.  A lady a fair few decades older just came up and said to her that’s what happens when children have children.

I was a decade older than this girl but she put my organisation to shame, she was prepared for all aspects of behavioural issues that may have arisen, regardless of her age, I learnt a thing or two from her.

This boy fit the stereotype or core consistent ways of behaving, acting and thinking commonly seen in those under 3 with autism.  They played and interacted brilliantly despite there being the language barrier, it was nice seeing my son come out of his shell.

I used to wonder if my children were Autistic, especially my son as he had more traits than my daughter but the more I learn the more I realise yes we have a lot of traits but that may not necessarily be the right label.

I noticed my social skills are adequate even if I have to play the wolf in sheep’s clothing at times, I can still manage these interactions and not that I have lost the skill that took years to develop.

I can do this by reading the body language, energy and listening to the words coming from the individual I’m conversating with, I can manipulate, steer or remove myself from conversations I don’t feel comfortable with and enjoy the ones I do.

My anxiety and imagination keep getting the better of me at points but manageable. It’s spiking and becoming more visually detailed, especially at night when I’m trying to shut down, interfering with my day.

I’m now getting physical symptoms that are becoming noticeable to those who know me but still able to cover these from those that don’t.

This means I am not controlling it as much as I would like and if I don’t get it under control, I run the risk of falling back into the depression and self-critical thinking that leads to poor self-care and procrastination, for this individual.

A downward spiral I’d rather avoid.

Fear is closely linked to anxiety and when you have dependants it isn’t so easy to avoid your worst fears from coming to life in your head once you allow them to creep in and set roots.

There is so much out with our control to be fearful of, that putting these thoughts to the back of the mind isn’t so easy for many, regardless.  It takes self-management to control them before they get the better of you, even then they still linger.

Your body temperature rises as your heart rate quickens where you feel the vibrations from the palpitations pulsating at the ears, a clammy cold sheen of sweat coating the skin, all from the power of your imagination and way of thinking.

This is when things become catastrophised and your mind jumps to worst case scenarios although they may be plausible they are unlikely to happen.

These days I have this way of thinking more under control but when the thoughts appear they can be harder to suppress with reason, becoming more graphically detailed and harder to shake them out.

It’s my body reacting to the chemicals being produced as my flight or fight reactors kick in but it’s happening unnecessarily causing me to react, think and behave differently.

Makes no sense to have a fear of your thoughts which you have control over, which led me to another. I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking to two steps forward, one step back meaning stepping into my present then my future, only dipping into my past, so I did just that.

I saw my present needed attention, planned for this to happen in the future which has now past and I’m reflecting back on.

I once described my life as being smashed into pieces but bit by bit, piece by piece I’m beginning to restore it, the originality still there but becoming something else.

I have been on so many a self-destructive cycles only occasionally jumping off the loop for some time now as the clock goes tick tock, that I have no other choice but to place change on the horizon, that is self-manageable.

I am rebuilding the walls that I thought was the problem that I began dismantling a few years ago piece by piece, I have now learnt that was not the case.

The walls had to come down or else I would carry on being oblivious to how those around me feel, but enough is enough as now I have no protection leaving me vulnerable.

I was reading a comment that I was not able to reply to the way I wanted as it was a pondering thought that I haven’t found the words to explain yet. It was about empathy which once upon a time I was unable to execute to the level I do now.

I wrote about empathy and sympathy in this article Sunday 19th August 2018; Looking at heaven living through hell that explains the words and my way of thinking in more detail

I call myself the natural empathiser….

I am natural because I am human but the word empathiser does not exist in the English dictionary.

I do not claim to naturally be able to be empathetic I don’t think anyone is born this way. I’m worse at being sympathetic because I come across as dramatically theatrical, not so good at expressing emotions in ways deemed the ‘norm’.

Empathiser didn’t exist and since no one seems to be able to recognise me I found it fitting. My definition of it is to understand and explain through comparison an opinion, ideology or sentiment, which is what I naturally do. Therefore I am neither empathy or sympathy but I learnt to be an empathiser and a sympathiser.

I do not believe anyone naturally feels empathy, to begin with, some learn it earlier on in life than others but I think it is something that is taught.

You have the ideology, sentiment or opinion explained, you are compared to other human beings as your parent/carer tries to get you to understand, to be empathetic and considerate to others.

As time progresses experience, life and the lessons we are taught teach us through trial and error to feel empathy to some level for others, a part of personal growth that varies depending on the individual.

I am beginning to believe we can be selective in what we choose to give thought to for a vast and varied amount of reasons.  For too long now I have pondered and been frustrated by the word empathy.

A common opinion I have been reading is we are not born with it but have the capabilities and potential to learn to understand others throughout the course of life

What’s your thoughts or opinion on empathy?

Do you think it is a part of development or something you are born with?

Do you think empathy is something you are taught or feel it naturally?

Whatever your point of view I’d like to read it 🙂

Source of writing http://www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by  www.naturalempathiser.comSharon McCutcheon

Further reading

  1. Looking into the word individual
  2. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  3. Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
  4. Sunday 19th August 2018; Looking at heaven living through hell

What is the difference between mental health and Autism?

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo from my 2016 journal

It is thought to be believed, that mental illness is most common for people on the Autism Spectrum than in the general population, and is more often, overlooked.

My life has been filled with so many confusing questions, some answered, but the majority of the time, the answer doesn’t seem to fit when it comes to expressing or explaining me.  I remember my response when it was first ever verbally said, that I may be autistic, two and a half years ago.  That is the first time I had ever heard it, in that context directed towards myself, I was 28 years old.  Bearing in mind, I had already been thought to have, postnatal, PTSD, depression, then bipolar, and medicated for these.

I was also in the system since 12, many a professional trying to help to the point I had to go into care despite my parent’s best efforts.  All these people from all walks of life and job title, so many a professional with many an opinion, technique or medication. In my opinion they were and still are, relevant pieces in the puzzle that is me, the process of untangling, but still not allowing enough to balance my scales.  Linkable to the fact that ASD is something entirely separate but interchangeable from mental health, and I seem to fit to well in both, currently diagnosed ADHD, which is biologically more a male orientated diagnosis, were as mood disorders are more commonly diagnosed in women. (I am a minority it appears, still treated like the majority, no wonder damage control varies.

This has all happened in the time frame of 2016-2017-2018, but the reality is, it has been more than half my life, and all my life.  Sometimes I find it so ironic how people worry abound legalising cannabis.  There was a story I signed a petition for with regards to a young boys meds for his fits, containing a key ingredient found in a marijuana plant.  Unbelievable what that family and boy had to go through due to debates against facts and fiction, easy to go buy a pint or vodka though, turning many into nutters by choice.

Well believe me you, from personal experience, prescriptions, and tested medications, used for all sorts, can be, and has been for me personally, the most aiding and disabling trips I’ve ever had, in my entire life, unless educated or experienced, opinions influence, make sure it’s for the right reasons.  Everything has a side-effect, what works for one, may not for the other, the key is knowing your own internal balances to ensure your scales aren’t tipping. (equilibrium/balance).

Something I learnt back in 2016 when I was put on a mood stabiliser is, epileptic medications are used to treat some with bipolar.  One actually helped what I once described as the black cloud from suffocating me, but I was far to medicated to give a clear outlook.  Dramatic word choices I use at times I know, but verbally, words can fail me majorly and that was the only way, I could describe it.  Meds seem to work really different for me in many a way, also I’m extremely aware of my bodies internal chemical balance depending how inertly focused I am. (just don’t know the words sometimes or how to explain)

Further down the road of discovery, and also an opinion of a gentleman on our very first meeting, was once nicknamed my action man, and a woman I called the delicate flower (the hand over process when one nurse leaves for good), ADHD was my action man crisis nurses opinion, which I’m currently diagnosed, and finally, it appears for me and those I hold dear, we may finally be on the right path to answers more suitable or helpful, the unanswerable in some ways, Autism.  Autism I now believe given my understandings, is separate from my current diagnosis of ADHD (mental health)

I will never forget mine or those that are closest to me, first response or opinions to the thought of me being Autistic….. no chance, and that is putting it mildly, obviously influencing my way of thinking, and those around and relevant, to some regard.  The reason I thought this was because of the narrow-minded view and education I had on the subject, also what others, my entire life’s views have been, even professional.  I have no obvious physical deformities (there are and were some), but i am beginning to broaden my understanding through experience, just being me, and educating myself, I have learnt so much more.

Every time things go skewed, it’s usually due to interactions or input from people, other human beings. Maybe relationships is a more accurate word for this setting, and not just intimately, regardless of what shape and form, relationships seem to be the answer or word, making the most sense.  Looked at more acutely, people, linkable and compatible with emotions. Time and time again, I tell people my need, not my want, but my need for time to gather ones thoughts uninterrupted or influenced, unless chosen, never seems a possibility, just a pipe dream.   No doubt everyone can relate to some degree and beg for space, but it is fundamental to keep my mind healthy and functionable at points, or the aftershocks are defragmenting.

This has led me to the question, what does mental health look like in someone with Autism, given current knowledge.

My thought process is as such, if I can figure out what areas of my mental health is skewed and fix or enable them to be less problematic, maybe just maybe I can figure out what autistic traits are interfering and impacting on my life, in a negative way because there are many a positive.  My theory is, once this is figured out I can learn the abilities to counteract, making it easier to cope and get my life finally on the right track, where I may be currently disabled.

I feel so trapped and it is becoming more and more suffocating internally, eventually manifesting and spilling outwardly.  Always a similar pattern with similar outcomes, just slightly shifting and changing whilst I continue losing and winning battle after battle, will I ever win the war?? Or were the odds never in my favour?  No doubt more unanswerable questions with many a different view so I will move on from this way of thinking as the odds are in my favour, when I make them.

I wrote an article about self-hatred, anxiety and depression a time ago, now my research has taken me deeper into the questions asked or relevant to that first Article.  Roughly 40% of individuals who are autistic will suffer one anxiety disorder at any time, compared with the general populations statistical figures of 15%.  This can then influence and create sadness and depression.   Vulnerability and stress seem to be the key words popping up time and time again when finding the words to describe how I feel.

I have always given the impression I rebel against the label, or so I have been led to believe, which is not entirely true. I just want more of an accurate or closer fitting one, given as wide a scope of the situation as possible for all parties involved or relevant to this exchange of information, so I can get access to the help already available out there, but unreachable to myself and others, who could really do with it. This has led me down a very long complicated path, which at this present moment, seems to be more focused and orientated around Autism.

Leaving no other choice but to personally search for answers to questions such as where on the spectrum do I fit? What do the 4 categories results of the RAADS actually mean or tell ones-self and others? When do I start following the cookie trails in my medical records, or should I even do that? I can tell statistically and through research that this genre of writing seems to be needed, therefore I will continue to write what I discover on this journey, for all those interested, as I’m tired of hitting a brick wall due to time restraints, debates, negligence, my disabilities or disorders and my gender.

My way of processing data seems to be, naturally categorise everything, for deeper analysis and understanding. Knowing what is relevant and irrelevant is a complicated process all humanity relates to and stumbles upon daily.  They deal and react given their own unique coping mechanisms and abilities, accessible and relevant to the situation.  I appear to put labels/categories on everything to help me remember and to put relevance, where there was possibly none, depending on where they fit in my head given that days abilities.

“There are definitely things I will never be able to do, but, I can learn new abilities to contradict the disabilities.  I try to achieve this by creating better order, where I once may have been disorderly, to the best of my capabilities”

Every time questionnaires are pulled out I swear I internally implode and metaphorically poop my pants, depending on the setting, context, understanding on what I am actually being questioned for or, if I can even answer the question by paying enough attention where relevant, it has my hackles, guards, and walls shooting as high as possible.

Aggressive I’m told, but a more fitting word may be protection with enough cause for it to be my primary reaction. I’ve been on the receiving end for trio of decades repairing the damage, it is not for the faint hearted hence why I rely on my primal instincts to guide me, they have kept me alive since a young age, where people intentionally and unintentionally have failed.

Please remember it is my health in question here not yours, I am not just a label, category, or statistic, I am an individual pointing her voice out there in the only way I know how. All I ask is to please tread more carefully and have the support necessary for dealing with the landmines and implications you happened to stumble upon in my mind, without a second thought to damage control. Trust is a two-way thing, and it’s getting harder and harder to trust those, who continuously say one thing, but do a complete other, leaving disappointment and a lack of hope.

I was reading through the words I had to pay for, written by my clinical psychiatrist and she had asked me to write a time line, life story, keep a journal and we were supposed to do the RAADS but I had never understood that or had the time to recall the words.  I have created a free way for my clinical psychiatrist and any other professional aiding in dealing with my care, can have access to my words, understandings and insights, hopefully limiting lack of communication and confusion, resulting hopefully in effective results from the limited time slots available, for helping an individual..

Now however, I have completed one to the best of my ability available on another post which is better than nothing I suppose.  I apologise for the time delay, I always seem to be reflecting on what I miss, but I do get there in the end.

The overall score for yours truly, a 30 year old whose gender is female, in a long-term intimate relationship alongside being a mother to, a preschool boy and a tween girl, who given my knowledge and understanding meet autistic thresholds for Autism but back to their mothers score on the RAADS, of 171.  I will retake soon and see what the results are as I believe I have more understanding into the questions therefore the patterns will have changed, my compass shifted.

When I understand more of the words within the question, its relevance and what the results tell, or give insight into, for the clinician or those relevant, yourself included, I’ll post an article, but I stumbled upon this piece of writing below today.  I remember how lost I felt when I lost all ways to communicate, when my mind was that tangled and crammed full, it was reflected in every angle of communication, but most devastatingly so in the words I wrote, refusing to allow them a reality I went into a complete malfunction of sorts.

February 2018 (my skill returns to give comfort to oneself)

How to start!!! The ultimate question that has left so many pieces of paper blank, possibly writers block implemented in my brain for the past few years.  I miss it, my mum says its something I’ve always done is write it down.  When thinking back she is right, it is when I’m not getting what I’m wanting to say across verbally, I write.  I have not lost the skill, just the ability to use it in the short-term, even what I write is so below my normal skill set but I don’t care I want it back, therapeutic arguably and the more I do it, the more it improves, the better I can communicate as proven back in February 2018 with my GP, a  man I have struggled with emotionally over the years, butted heads with, but formed a genuine bond in which together, we can now laugh at the history in past memories over the years. 

I will never forget our first meeting end December 2012/January 2013. I had just moved to the land of the lost, after seeking refuge.  We had our appointment and his eyes unsettled me to the core near the end as they noticed things my poker face couldn’t hide, asked questions that no other doctor has, in the context he done it, maybe compassion is the word I’m looking for.  I clammed up so tight as his brain and eyes were far to observant and sharp, unsettling me and leaving me feeling vulnerably exposed.

I remember the phone conversation with my mum after where I described him as one of these hillbilly doctors, probably living in some cabin in the woods (not stereotyping something from the movies at all here!!) I’d just moved from the city to the country, I was used to the conveyor belt treatment).  His eyes unnerved me because they appeared to look as if they could see through my armour, past the chameleon that is me, as if he could look into my very soul, I left with my tail dangling between my legs.

He wanted to help, always has and regardless of the struggles, he always will if he is able, and that was why I cried out for help to him, as I was failing with everyone else.   I knew he would listen and try everything he could to help, I just had to communicate it right so that he could.  I feel honoured and privileged to of had him as my doctor, a pillar to the community and that’s not just my words, most sought-after doctor here, a credit to his profession and believe you me I’ve only met a handful like him over the years, I wouldn’t be where I am at the moment without his support, understanding and patience when my behaviour is less easily explained.

I have a plan, a focus, fixing my inner foundations and structure…. That’s if I don’t flat line on appearance and become trapped in an inner hell, looking for anything to clutch so I can come out the other side.  After my appointment back in February 2018 where I handed over words so raw and open to me, overwhelmed was an understatement, silent tears flowed, triggered by anything happened for hours, got stuck in my past, these words are found in the post defining a rebel is someone who does not fit the ‘norm’.  

Being around me can damage your own mental health when I am like this and verbally communicating, dissecting as my mind raced all because I managed to get the words down, someone took the time to read and I knew I had got across what I wanted to say.  At the time his answers gave so much relief and hope it was intense.  I wanted to hide, thought of hospital, hiding in my room in a pain no one should have to witness or be around.

Through time I became more high, metaphorically running around looking, listening reflecting on ways I could fight the dark fog threatening to suffocate me. I then became higher emotional instead of low, flat and deflated if that’s the right word, my mum understands my language and even though verbally to anyone else, they wouldn’t have understood, just left the conversation exhausted and confused, my mum managed and helped to change my perspective slightly. 

Best I can explain but to the next point, triggered from the change in perspective, ignorance can be bliss, but I no longer have that option, knowledge and understanding is what I’m lacking, so fix it.  I read mass amounts always have, but have stuck to more fantasy and supernatural, time to come out of fantasy and into reality no matter how badly I want to avoid it.  

What I’ve found on mental health has been exhausting, a point-less or more in some ways, so decided to start looking in to the one I refused to believe many a moon ago, ASD but resources are limited and time consuming.  I have found a book written so brilliantly, I have decided to read the whole thing in one setting.  Would have been done February 2018, would have been an all nightery as the first 50 pages had me so intrigued but I had promised to switch off, if there is such a thing, to try switch of. 

To date I have still not managed that book and to many tasks to list as far too much has clouded my focus, knocked it off or changed it entirely for that moment in time (mostly out of my control).  Unfortunately that bit of space with no influence has not been possible and I’ve exhausted the resource that is me yet again. When it does become a reality and space is not just a fantasy, I image I  will have already found most my answers and more, eventually they will become reflective, time frames are just to long though, that is something requiring immediate attention. 

My compass is forever shifting as I pass by, no matter how tiny or huge, always shifting to point me in the direction I need, want, or must be at that present time.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

 

What are some of the sex differences influencing diagnosis for Autism?

source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo Scottish Loch

Over the course of the past several years, there have been many studies done, creating a number of explosive and insightful discoveries, into the disorder Autism, especially for the Females.  More people have been able to observe how, why or even if, Autism presents differently in females.  A development becoming more openly welcomed rather than shunned, but there is a unique presentation of Autism in females, that is fundamental in helping better identify and treat, those who may have the disorder.

I am terrible with consistency out with my personal comfort and timescales, also I medically pop in and out on paper, for help due to all the labels, stigmas. Worst of all can come from those you put your trust in to help, their treatment can be the most damaging from those claiming, to only be trying to help. Unfortunate but true, sometimes your biased, stuck or uneducated view makes everything extremely more challenging, for all parties involved, especially the patient or clinician.  For me it can put me on the slippery slope of depression, because all the professional words continuously contradicting one another, leave me more confused at times, than when I started

These challenges are for a number of reasons because, not only are females just as diverse as any other groups of individuals with the disorder, but there is a more pressing matter I would like to stress.  I yet again keep hitting a metaphorical brick wall that makes it harder for me to gain access to the help I need, and that is because most autistic screening and diagnostic tools were developed and based, primarily on, observations and behaviours of boys.

I was reading an article by a clinician who was expressing her views and opinions that I happen to agree with.  That was in relation to specialist research and those closest to the individuals in questions, which was the matter at hand of, missing girls with symptoms who do not fit the “typical boys presentation”.  This brings me back to an article I previously wrote with regards to three tests added to the mix, one for the female, one for the male, and a combined more generalised one and see what that produces.  I very much would like a test more relevant to my sex plus a more generalised to give me the answer, it would be very much appreciated. PDA is one of the better questionnaires, especially with wording, that has not had me wanting to pull my hair out.  My next articles will include the different profiles, will include PDA, an area of personal interest I will be delving into.

Anyways this article written by the clinician, helped me to be able to, word, that as a female parent, by my own and many professional opinions, am in fact Autistic, but where I fit seems to be the time consuming and frustrating process, that is like pulling teeth out, the most mentally, invigorating, deteriorating experience I have ever been through, which believe me you, says a lot.  My children are raised by a self diagnosed ASD (awaiting diagnosis if relevant) but a clinically diagnosed ADHD female mum, they are not going to meet the levels of ‘norm’ for your criteria necessarily or to the T, I work really hard flipping their stuck mindset and helping them gain broader and greater understanding.

For that reason, I listen to what my children’s words and body tell me, that is why I listened to my tween’s teacher as she explained, my daughter met the criteria for both ASD and ADHD, she even went for a second opinion, but doctors dismissed it, hitting another brick wall.  Therefore with the 10 years of knowledge gathered between raising the two of them, 30 years of being me, and what others have learnt, written or communicated, I am beginning to find answers and better ways of doing things.  Not everyone has the ability to be a self-directed learner and it comes with its costs and sacrifices to.

My daughter is the double of me in so many ways its unbelievable, she see’s the world in the most amazing way, and like her mum can learn and excel at anything she puts her mind to, but her focus is language.  My 3 year old son appears as a mute in nursery at times, didn’t start communicating properly till 3 and really flags a lot of the criteria.  He took years longer with verbal speech but is a little mastermind, when your truly listening and watching, he has to be comfortable too, he’s a possible mathematical Wizz in the making.  So here are 3 possibly undiagnosed Autistic people, who are unreachable and unhealable by those who could, but simply unobtainable due to stigma and stereotyping.

That is why as a female parent, who by my own and many a professional opinion, am in fact autistic, and now that I am in touch with someone from the National Autistic society I might actually get somewhere with the diagnosis, hopefully one step closer to those that can give it.  Because of how easily dismissing the process can be, (I’ve been in it since 12) I’m scared to let my daughter walk in my footsteps and it isn’t right to be made to feel this way.  I have a feeling things are about to change though, for the better and maybe my trio can be helped

I started by looking and reading a little into biological science, which tells me I’m delving into a subject that is, extremely confrontational and debateable.  As a minority myself I agree and disagree with what is to follow but they are personal opinions, I’m not educated enough and have nowhere near enough information to say anything without a shadow of doubt, but I need to start somewhere.   This is just what I’m coming across on my personal journey for answers into where my cluster fits on the spectrum.

This is the beginning of research, delving into the mystical world that has become the  differences between males and females.  Something I see often happening, is sex differences put solely down to culture differences, but science suggests a biological difference between the male and female, in relation to the brain.  These differences are not absolute, have been generalised as the majority and tend to be skewed depending on ones sex.

I looked through a narrow scope into why males appear geared towards math, where as females language, why women are more emotional, how the sex’s feel pain differently, how males are more likely to suffer neurological disorders, where as women are more likely to suffer mood disorders.  The gender difference’s apparent before birth and, why it appears women handle stress better than men, and finally why we are led to believe males have weaker impulse control.  But what if you are a minority?

Changes are noticeably presentable from birth, but even before that, taken to the development stages when you are still in the womb, things are different.  Gender is determined immediately upon fertilisation, meaning the sperm is the only one that knows what sex it is going to be, and the egg only carries a stationary X.  The 23rd pair of chromosomes establish the sex of the baby.  So to illiterate more clearly, the female egg contains one X chromosome, whilst the male sperm carries either the X or Y chromosome.  Once they meet the egg becomes XX=Female and XY=Male, so in a nutshell

“The baby’s gender is known before it is even consider a foetus” during the first few weeks the external and internal genital structures are the same, but this is just the process within the development stages.

The foetus gonads will either become ovaries or testicles, the phallus either a clitoris or a penis, and finally the genital folds will become either Labia or scrotum, depending on whether or not testosterone is present, which in turn determines the “default sex” of either categories of male or female.  Remember the sex is determined by the males sperm , to the mystery of whether it is carrying either an X or a Y, because the egg holds only an X.

Intersex describes a variety of conditions, where the minority of individuals who are born with, a sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit typical presentations, of a male or female.  Examples would include a person born with genitals that are between the usual descriptions of, male and female parts, or, they could be born with both XX and XY chromosomes.

A way that has been described to try and help understand intersex, were words written to think of gender like the colour spectrum. As sex organs vary in shape size and dimension, of course it seems only common sense, that so would the sex chromosomes determining the default sex.  As these conditions are very rare, however, they do still exist.

“It is argued to be a humanistic way, of categorising people into gender categories, not the original way of nature”

As gender is determined upon fertilisation, at around the 16th to 18th week of pregnancy, the foetus produces a bud called a genital tuber, at the site of the genital.  By the end of the 20th week, the external sex organs should be fully formed for both the male, and female sex of the foetus. At around 26 weeks, the female foetus generally starts developing thicker corpus callosum, which is the part of the brain that connects the right and left hemispheres, than a male foetus.  This information helps explain why women tend to use both, whilst men tend to lean towards the left hemisphere, which leads me on to my next point, that might explain what you have just been reading.

I often hear people saying that he or she is not in their right mind, but if looked at in a biological sense, women are the ones more in their right mind the majority of the time.  I say this because men mostly use the left hemisphere, to process information, where as women are more skilled at using both hemispheres, as we see happens because of differences in the making, of males and females in the womb.  So there is an obvious difference between males and females, which would affect the workings of their mind, would it not?

“So in a literal sense women are the only one’s in their right mind.” but what about the minority of males who do not fit this notion?

It is believed women are more likely to suffer mood disorders, than Autism and ADHD, because male brains, synthesise serotonin, far more quickly than the female brain.  Obviously when looking into biological factors, it’s then placed into categories and researched for many a year, seeing patterns develop, so yes the majority of people fall into the criteria’s described, but now doors are opening for more insight and analysis into the minds of the minorities, who may be more alike to some once classed, part of  majority, than we once thought.

Standardised intelligence test show no statistically significant differences, between males and females. When looking at the brain we can see lots of differences, take the findings that suggest that genders tend to slightly lean towards, categories with regards to their abilities, in maths and language.  Males are said to have a larger inferior-parietal lobules (IPL), than females, which is an area of the brain that is thought to, influence mathematical abilities, which matures in boys about, 4 years earlier than girls?!

The frontal and Temporal areas of the cortex, are larger in females, and are thought to influence language, matured approximately 6 years earlier, than the males.  All these words I have written to date, are just me summarising my findings so far from what I’ve gathered, and this is a subject I do not specialise in, I’m learning for vast and varied reasons now. It is a very debateable subject obviously, because a minority or girls can be maths wizzes or vice versa, minority of boys can be language masterminds, that comes down to individual choices, opportunities and circumstances. Personally I excelled in all subjects at school just some more acutely, some of my most traumatic problem’s arose during high school, with social communication and interactions, where my biggest cost, was my education.  These are the years where I learned to become a chameleon the best, with some of my harshest lessons.

So, from that we see above the majority of males mature quicker mathematically, by approximately 4 years, and the majority of females mature 6 years earlier, than males in language.  There and always minorities and splinter groups, who do not fit where the majority of others do.  Take the way we feel pain, there are even differences there between males and females.  When men experience pain, they tend to activate their right amygdala, where as for women, they tend to activate their left amygdala, which leads us to believe, women feel more pain.

“The left amygdala is more closely associated with the ‘internal functions’, this is the reason behind why it is often thought and expressed, women experience more pain than men do”

According to biological science from where and what I’ve been reading, males are more likely to be dyslexic and autistic, than females, this is noticeably explained in the skewed differences in ratios, between males and Females.  It is also said, that males are more likely to experience Tourette’s  and ADHD.  Females appear to be found, and thought, to be more likely to suffer, mood disorders.  The reasons for this is because, females have larger hippocampus, and deeper limbic systems, than males.  Therefore allowing females to feel the full range and depths of the emotional spectrum, more so than males. Is that why this minority female, keeps getting caught up in the Bermuda triangle effect of, Autism, ADHD and bipolar?

I wonder what a visual image of my brain would give insight into for someone, me in particular.  Since someone once said to me I am like the human equivalence of the Rubik’s cube, it has kind of stuck in my mind since, because no one seems to have figured out the riddle that is me.  If someone specialising in neurology or psychology was to take an active, time-scale appropriate interest, into researching my brain, I wonder what findings would be discovered, as I’m already aware I’m a minority thinker.  Maybe one day that will be possible, but at the moment, it’s a fantasy, my reality is just words, opinions, views, theories and a lot of both reliable, and unreliably communicated evidence, and experiences, in the search for the answers, to my questions.

I’ve been reading that, when it comes to differences in intelligence, between the two sexes, there are more males than females that differ, and become more skewed on the results.  Male IQ has greater variance from one perspective, than the female IQ.  This is why females appear to be more clustered around the middle, where as the males occupy the extreme high and low end, of the intelligence scale.

Studies have shown that the majority of women, handle stress better than men.  Science shows that whilst both the male and female release the hormone oxytocin during stressful events, the difference is by combining oxytocin with the female estrogen, it produces a calming effect, whereas male testosterone only makes men more aggravated.

It is coming to a point in need to finish up writing this article, before I end up writing the never ending story, that never gets published.  I will stress, I am no expert, just someone currently going through the process of life, just like you.  If I’ve worded something that upsets or offends, I assure you that was, and will never be my intention.  I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my words, message me personally, shared and helped me on my feministic journey into the spectrum.  If you have a story that’s related please comment.


I personally am recieving extreme difficulty waiting, like many of my readers and those taken the time to message, just to see someone who can analyse and determine, whether or not i have autism before gaining access to, the help that is available.  I’m aware we do not have a vast number of people that specialise, but something does need to be done here to accomadate.  So the studies indicating it is more challenging for a female, undiagnosed in childhood, to obtain a diagnosis later, i fuly agree with, from first hand experience.  I am living proof this is the case, for getting access to the help already out there, that one requires, firstly you need the label that is the diagnosis.  I was suspected back in spring 2016, referred and awaiting specialist input, many a moon ago.  This week is the first time i have met with someone, who does specialise in an area i need help with, who looks like she can and will help, where she is able, she gave me hope, that things are changing, and that space may be possible.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

 

A Personal SOS call, to save one’s soul

07 July 2018

It was a warm sunny day, one where I could socialise with no small talk or pretences, debateable and comical at the same time.  During one of the more comical sides to this good hearty conversation, my friend was telling me what type of animal mine and those dearest were in relation to our months of birth.  I came out a fish who is someone that doesn’t have an opinion, we all laughed.  Initial reaction doesn’t fit at all but later after some reflection, I don’t ever have an opinion as such, just a point of view or understanding giving the situation or events taking place, constantly changing to fit an ever changing external and internal environment.

I do not belong to any group or what one would consider social ‘norms’ but I’m okay with that.  The more I open to the ones that do understand me, the more benefits, but I do wonder if those supposed to help will ever be in touch.  Appointments I never receive letters for, due to no fault of my own but the individuals.  I miss appointments, terrible for it, especially if there is no immediate relevance it slips from my thoughts which myself and those attached are aware of.  I’m told it is a part of my disability and there are groups, courses and help that can aid me with coping mechanisms (where are they?? Started this journey Spring 2016.)

I take responsibility and apologise to all relevant, but I’m not paid to help myself, if I could I would.  What I mean by that is, if I had the support or help that I’m told I am entitled to, I wouldn’t miss appointments. Also, if those who are designated and specialised to help, can’t even get the admin side done right what am I supposed to do? I need these little slithers of time handed to me like scraps, not with my GP, he does all he can, but with those specialised to help. I don’t have crystal balls therefore, I lack the ability to know you have made an appointment with me, if in fact you do not let me know verbally or written how am I supposed to attend this, 1hr a fortnight, or the most important which I get no more than I can count on 1 hand, a year.

There are many reasons to why I write, but how or what I am writing about can be influenced or depended on, by anything and everything relevant to the cause. The purpose and reasoning behind this piece of writing, expressed through these words, in this context, is to reach out to those able and willing to help, who have the capabilities, social standing and authority, with the education, experience and knowledge to look in more depth, at this individual who keeps confusing 30 years on.

I am an adult and have been for some time, that makes this harder.  The systems over the past 2 decades have done more harm and created more confusion, that I am only just beginning to scratch the surface of being able to understand.  I am warily empathetic and understanding to the notion that although this wasn’t their intention, that they were only trying to help, you didn’t, because you were too busy trying to fit me into boxes, you’re missing the individual.

These criteria’s and boxes needing ticked are just guidelines and in no way set in stone.  So why do the same patterns that fail keep happening clearly time and time again, if this was not the case through experience and first-hand dealings, I wouldn’t be writing this particular blog.  This cycle needs to end or be shaken up because I don’t care what label fits, so long as I can start living instead of barely existing at times, because the real tangible pain resonating in my brain, is from that metaphorical wall I keep running head on into.  How many times can I keep doing that before irreversible damage might be done, doesn’t bare thinking about. 

Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds or social class to privately finance that, or I would probably have had results and answers or understanding many years ago.  I’m only speculating because I have the brain and physical abilities to not be in the poverty stricken, from however you choose to look at them words, but I am.  Most of the damage needing repaired could have been avoided if one was to just look at the individual and take the time, not try to fit the individual into the disabling system when she’s already disabled enough.  I have started this, to voice my own alongside the echo of other people’s voices I have heard.  I want to try and communicate my inner thoughts, feelings and understanding transpired into written words, made by men and women alike, for more in depth understanding and communication with one another

Writing is therapeutic to me, and I have done it for so long for many vast and varied reasons, both personal and not.  What I am hoping to achieve by publishing and putting both my personal and generalised writing out there, is simply put, a platform for one’s self and others to express their hopes, dreams, failings, and discoveries relevant to my purpose and their own.  I’m just communicating in my best form, to be able to get my message across, hopefully with a response, to what I or others can aspire to be, past and present determining the future, as practical and mental teachings through learning continue their cycle.

I use my memory plus the knowledge and information gathered through all aspects available at the time, to conclude or come to an understanding or reasoning, given the facts and information available or sought out at that past moment.  I’m always watching and observing everything around me, some never written, or verbally voiced, just known to me myself and I, with regards to my perceptions and takings.  I’ve always been a people watcher, which may sound a little creepy but that is not the case, just paying heed.  What I mean by that is I’m always observing my surroundings, noises, vibrations, smells, energy etcetera.

I use the memories available and relevant to the event or situation in question, plus the knowledge and information gathered through all aspects of life known and familiar to me.  I then conclude given the facts and information available to me at that, moment in time to an answer with at least some understanding or a direction to find that useful information.  As I have said I’m always watching and observing everything around me, it’s something I can’t help.  I became an extreme people watcher during traumatic years in my early teens, but I suppose I always have been.  From there, I learn from what I have saw, felt, heard, learnt, or experienced, good or bad.

I like seeing the familiar in a new way, raising the level of perception above ‘normal’, making myself aware of my own self, in the fullest way possible which can contradict with a lot of personalities at times, where this is not their ‘norm’.  Take these very bold outlined words, then start adding some colouring to them, it could produce what follows. Evil, in a colloquial sense (which is just everyday speech), is the opposite of good. Branching and stemming from them words could produce a word more precise but commonly a religionists-associated word, which is “wickedness.”  As defined in philosophy, it is the name to describe the personality and instinct of individuals, which selfishly but often necessarily, feel the need to defend their personal boundaries against foreseen and unforeseen attack.

I suppose the birth of the natural empathiser is my own brand of realism, put out there for others to see if they so choose.  I want to give a little insight into the type of personal writer I am and aim to be through professional  and personal experience, and hopefully express my purpose in publishing my writing.  The purpose and intention of this blog is both personal and completely relevant to the society we live in.  My intention and way of life is to manipulate and exploit everyday knowledge, memories, and words, to a level of perception above the ‘norm’ to become aware of my own world, and others in the fullest way possible to one’s self.

Natural empathiser for me is a communication platform to those who may be able to assist, in some way on this quest for answers.  The reason I am doing it this way is primarily, because I don’t fancy changing my degree plans to accommodate, an approximate 10-year journey becoming a doctor or another pathway getting a PhD in Science, to be able to study and understand the human brain, in a more in-depth scale.  If I’m honest I really considered it, thanks to my university I seen a little sense because I don’t have to.  Many have already done this who could help if they so choose to spare me those precious moments of time.  Allowing me access to their knowledge and understandings of neurology (the brain) and psychology (mind and behaviour) more specifically, helping me solve the riddle that is me, and why I have been described the human Rubik’s cube that hasn’t been solved yet?

Someone out there has the answer, I’m following thesis, theory, hypothesis, fact, reason, well that is after sifting through the endless amount of pointless, irrelevant, misguidedly confusing jargon. It’s like a needle in a haystack unless you have a clear path, as I’m beginning to believe, by seeing the mechanisms and clockwork of my brain, visually.  This could help see the bigger picture so to speak, or be just another piece, regardless it will give insights and answers I never had before, where hypothetically and statistically, it is failing, or so it appears through the knowledge I have gathered and the way I am still treated.

I considered changing my degree plan to focus on neurology, to gain access to knowledge regarding brains, mine more specifically.  Do you know how long that would take me, how much time I do not have to spare for that especially when there are people with 10, 20, 30, 40 years’ experience already there.

May you be a specialist in neurology or psychology, as I need both to see the bigger picture.  If you are reading this and can help then this blog is targeted at yourself because to me you are unicorns, I have only ever heard, read, or spoken about yourselves, but never had the privilege in 30 years, of meeting that person who thinks outside of these boxes, and is interested in my individual, with the ability to truly appreciate it. Not necessarily true in some senses though, I have met a GP and a clinical psychiatrist meeting this description plus many others, but unfortunately their time is not a resource easily attainable, in the time scales necessary to this individual.

Sometimes help can be more disabling than enabling because it is too big a web of generalisation, too easy to become tangled and stuck. If an individual does not fit within the present order or required mental criteria, that we are not supposed to fit into exactly, what are they to do?  This led me to the question of how you help people suffering unnecessarily, because they cannot gain access to the help required for a multitude of reasons.  If you have a story, idea, solution or just a place where you can be amongst like-minded people, or a question you would like me to investigate, then please post or get in touch, I aim to respond within 24/48hrs, but responses should be much quicker. 

My Website is about voicing mine and others current predicaments, or stories needing to be voiced.  If you have a story you would like me to voice for whatever reason, you are unable to yourself, then hopefully I can help you with that, if you get in touch naturalempathiser@gmail.com.  To read my blogs/writing and gain some insight into who the natural empathiser is, and what the hopes and purpose of these group/pages/social media are take a look at my website in the making at; www.naturalempathiser.com, before contributing to the groups that follow. 

I’m trying to create a community of insight and understandings to clear up confusions where possible.  I read too many blogs repeating the mistakes I once appeared to do by blaming the people following the systems.  Follow or join the community I hope grows through time and understanding.  I am new to this and delving into a lot of unfamiliar territory but I’m a fast learner, so pages and groups have only been set up several days, but will hopefully be completely up and running within the next few weeks. 

 Follow or join the beginnings of;

www.facebook.com/naturalempathisers

www.twitter.com/nempathiser

www.linkedin.com/in/natural-empathiser-b044a2166

www.pinterest.co.uk/naturalempathiser

 

Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

A Reflection of the day dated 27/02/2016, on current day dated 05/07/2018

Join me on my trip of self-discovery and hopefully, having it confirmed one way or another whether I am Autistic, Bipolar Type 2, ADHD (current diagnosis) or a combination of all 3 from the people that have the knowledge, understanding and experience to look at the individual, and have the time to help me. 

I am a mature female, in a relationship and a mother, but I am just an individual, someone looking for answers and help that shouldn’t be this difficult to access, but unfortunately it is.  The end goal is that from confirmations more acute and relevant to one’s-self, help and doors will open to allow me to learn new ways and techniques to combat these disabilities, as alone it’s getting to hard and in some ways, it is preventing me from moving on, or living the life I possibly could.  This desire for isolation and space is getting stronger and stronger, but no way of having it.

I see so many blogs and think that used to be me, before I learned this or that, but there is still so much I am ignorant to, that impacts my day to day living.  Maybe by showing where I once was, to where I am now, it might allow for broader insights and understanding.  Hopefully without imposing too much strain on my own mental health and wellbeing in my present. It has been challenging for people to help because I am so closed off, but I am trying to be more open, but I am selective in that because I have taken many a burn, theoretically speaking through systems, procedures and people trying to help.  

I suppose this is the journey delving into my most traumatic and invigorating experiences to date, learnings, and misunderstandings still to be, or already cleared up.  After the original entry Grammarly corrected, there will be a little personal writing in my present.  This is a walk down my memory lane, the words will be what they were at the time.

Please remember, these are my personal diary entries at the time they were thought and believe you me, in a lot of ways my opinions and attitudes have changed for the better.  Also, I may have been highly medicated on some of the craziest combinations that altered my perceptions and proceptions in varied ways.

Please read from an empathetic view point and walk in my shoes, figuratively speaking, for the time it takes reading my words, because this is, was, and will continue to be, my life, so let’s see what my refection shows. 

Saturday 27th February 2016

Wow words so effective depending on the persons perception at the time of hearing.  The ‘Ability’ (Disability) depending on the persons personal or ignorant view point or experiences.

I have an

·         Ability

·         Disability

·         Order

·         Disorder

Doesn’t matter how many of either I have because I am so self-awakeningly ‘Wild’ and self-tamed.  Let’s try the shit sandwich delicate flowers approach. I am already full of mindfulness and one with my natural environment.  I have fought every disability I have, every disorder I have through watching humanity and society.  Sometimes I truly believe I am poison but let’s look at the reality with a little riddle ‘love me right and you will be all right…… hurt me and I’ll hurt you by exploiting your disorders, disabilities, ignorance or selfishness.

I never do anything half-heartedly, I give you my best but lose hope I will drown with you, but I will always, regardless, float even if I must watch or make the person drown so I can swim away.  I am unique there is no label for me, take away my abilities, learn my disabilities becomes so obvious.

I use my resources till they have nothing useful for me to survive no more.  Time for a switch off but something I would love to learn is, where does someone think they have the right to be deluded and ignorant, to think just because you’ve took away somethings freedom and offered it something meaningless, does not mean you can own, possess, or control it.  They’ll just play your game till it is time to break free.  I achieved a lot and now my bubbles burst, and my walls broke, the waters putting out my flame, but my brains fire and I AM the ignition. 

So, if I am free I can never be put out, but it is time to tame me differently.  Just another battle in my war I will never win, but for some reason I am still breathing, and until I take my last breath of life and give it back to my natural environment, I will NEVER stop FIGHTING because I am a survivor of so much pain, but I have dealt with it alone.

I do not talk because if I do I watch the spark go out in that person’s eyes.  So, define disability to me ‘HOPELESS’ no ‘IGNORANCE’ to me is a disability, hope you can find anywhere.  My disorders are my weak watery heart, fiery brain, and a body and ability to ignite or put out anyone’s flame.  Society and people taught me how to do that PAIN, NEGECT, IGNORANCE, UNRESOURCEFUL, HOPELESS, = WEAKNESS vs STRENGTH.

 

Thursday 5th July 2018

Have to say my opinions have not really changed since writing these words if looked at black and white, but there has been some light shone on these words over the years.  New experiences, understandings and just personal growth have all gave those words more shape.  I still have difficulty with words because people’s eyes, body language, energies and words do not always match, so hard to interpret what the person is trying or not trying, to communicate.  Also, I say words so wrong sometimes verbally and written. which can confuse the heck out of all parties involved if you do not know me, if I’m unprepared or uncomfortable. 

To many people, myself included, are fighting systems because they cause more problems.  Since I am not the only person voicing this maybe we should start focusing on that more.  A starting point would be making them more adaptable, understood, and reachable within realistic timescales.

Something I am beginning to become more aware of and question is, if it Depends where oneself fits on the pecking order, which determines how much insight and knowledge they have, or appear to have.  I wonder what my medical records say about this date or the surrounding dates.  After I have put all my written words to digital and posted enough of the past, that I am aware of.  That will be the next step, adding what other perspectives have been on the days or months I am voicing.

When reading this I concluded what I have wrote some years ago, that it is a one track minded, somewhat ignorant view point, but still accurate in a lot of ways.  What I mean by being so self-aware is that it is impossible to be aware of everything at one time. How we broaden that is down to the individual, so I choose to reflect, whether naturally or forced is always going to be debateable. This is something I have always done for as long as I can remember.  Also, I seem to always be aware of things others are not, but at the same time being blind to others, as those considerate and thoughtful enough to have pointed out to me, in a non-judgemental or prejudice way, have said.

The problem doesn’t seem to be feeling emotions because there I do not believe I have a problem, i can just appear as detached at times. That Is because internally the emotions are starting to overwhelm me somewhat as if I’m drowning with you, but to save myself I must figure out the problem, fix it or break away, if what I’m attached to is the problem. Expressing and understanding, knowing what to do with these emotions seems to be the problem, I appear to lack the abilities in this department

When I talk about using my resources, we all do it, but people are my most valuable as I learn at personal record-breaking speed, through them.  I once got asked what my view on friendships and relationships are.  It was asked in an intense, formal, fish bowl environment, I eventually summed it to the one word I always land on after excessive babbling, that word was ‘pointless’.  Because you can become a point-less or a point-more with any relationship.  Sometimes we give too much of ourselves to others but get nothing but problems back in return.  It’s quite hard finding people that understand and relate to me, so they can become pointless because they end.  I have a few strong friendships and relationships where I do not have to be so self-conscious or have the feeling I am walking on egg shells.

 

In the end I always eventually feel trapped and must do something with my surroundings.  Because I struggle living amongst people and in society at times, I can require more support or help, and it can be hard keeping a consistent income. Unfortunately, that means falling into the comfortable, low poverty or severely poverty-stricken bracket of life.  This seems to be the cycle of my life that I am trying and hoping to change.  That just creates nothing but hassles within my day to day living.

I love to study and have found with the university I attend, working from home as a self-directed learner can have its benefits and pitfalls.  I can’t seem to be among people all the time so finding work or career choice isn’t the easiest, but the university I am with seems to be a brilliantly insightful resource, opening doors and suggesting things I never thought of or even knew were possible.  Maybe finding a career that suits my disabilities and abilities might not end up being as challenging as I had once thought

I’m learning some people just want a rant and do not want to delve into too much depth for whatever reason.  Sometimes I can be the worst person to be around if this is the case, because I’m a problem fixer, relationships sometimes want to be ignorant to problems, but not all the time and that is where I come in to use.  What I am trying to Learn is to not give so much of myself away when it has a somewhat crippling effect on myself.  This is proving challenging, but one I am getting better at and hope to continue to do so in the future

I’ve learnt that mental health and wellbeing is so tangled that even the people hired to help, forget, lose track or become so over worked and distracted they become a part of the problem, instead of a solution.  It went so bad from here onwards, I suppose as I share the story will be unravelled, and I truly am taking others on this journey with me, not only to help myself but to change the way it works.  How we portray words determines how we react.  I am a coward, it’s that thought that brings out the fighter and why I am voicing my words. (demand versus avoidance)

 

 

 

 

A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

There are so many varied and dimensional discoveries and theories, both psychologically and neurologically, that are coming to light in this post-modern society.

The way these issues are addressed and handled can be more disabling than enabling for many individuals in some instances, having more of a detrimental impact on their mental health, sometimes unnecessarily

Two of the most commonly experienced mental health and wellbeing issues are depression and anxiety.  Two words that were once aliens in a literal sense to myself, but something I experienced on a regular basis, unaware and unable to express and communicate 20 years or even 2 years ago.

I used to be so ignorant in relation to mental health but through time, experiences, awareness, and insights from those that have been able and willing to teach, has provided a platform for myself to gain a broader understanding, to the literal words, hopefully allowing for more effective personal growth and emotional intelligence

I am now able to communicate with better word choices, my emotions, and feelings, but can still be extremely challenging at times with certain personality types, or for reasons unknown.

My journey into mental health has been a challenging one but has taught many a lesson, and has allowed for a deeper appreciation and awareness of the words, meanings, and feeling attached to anxiety and depression.

I believe when one’s mindset gets stuck in this way of thinking, self-hatred can be unavoidably self-destructive to many.

Depression can be a horrible, morbidly despising way of thinking for some who can relate to the neurological narcissistic cycle, that anyone can become a victim to at times.

For some, it may be unavoidably necessary or relevant for self-growth, but the damage done and the fight those individuals have to endure simply to survive, can be substantial, who suffer a depression the majority will never be able to understand but can empathise with.

For those that suffer depression, the skills, support, methods, and techniques taught by others and oneself, that are necessary to stay skating on the circumference of your black hole as you ride out another storm, are essential

Every skill to help aid or counteract the disorder or disability is a resource that needs consistent evaluation and consideration, not necessarily explainable or taught, by anybody bar ones-self at times.

There are many techniques or methods that work for some, but not others, therefore, it’s worth keeping an open mind and keep trying until you find the ones that work for your individual, one size doesn’t fit all as they say, so go find what does.

My old methods and techniques don’t work the way they used to, so I am currently finding new ones,  or adapting old ones such as writing, which spawned the website, ‘natural empathiser’

I have managed to gain a better understanding of many things that once caused so much damage and confusion to myself or what used to once be foreign waters.  Through research and peoples word I began removing stereotypes and false meaning, through my own personal experiences and those of others.

Allowing me to see where I was once blind, how detrimental for any individuals mental health and well being, depression and anxiety can be.  More often than not Self-hatred is added to the mix which can be your best and worst critic, but more often than not, it is the worst of them all depending on your perception.

Self-hatred to me is linkable to stress, fear, and pity as they all appear to carry negative vibes, outlooks, and outcomes.  When someone first hears, see’s or feels these negative emotions or words, it can temporarily blind their ability to see things so clearly, as they settle their own emotional reactions and thoughts, back to a level of comfort.

Possibly leading to incorrect or misinterpretations with regards to the exchanges of communications or event, because of the emotional feelings and responses, influencing or interfering with how people view or interpret it.

I fear the trio that is anxiety, depression, and self-hatred the most, because in that mindset where I’m skating the circumference of my black hole, sometimes becoming trapped within myself, emotionally detaching from external influences, retreating from the reality I am struggling to cope with, back within myself.

I seem to have a very special, but infuriating for some, skill where I seem to manage to push all the right buttons to rub someone up the wrong way, without even realising, meaning or trying to.

I can make you angry and feel so many unbelievably confusing invigorating amount of emotions in one go, when I am riding the storm of self-hatred and loathing, disliking and being dissatisfied with one thing after another.

When someone is stuck in a self-hatred and loathing way of thinking and behaving, the individual could take something as simple as ‘you need to treat yourself better’ in a self-destructive and critical mindset.

The problem there is, that more often than not the person making the statement has observed something you may or may not have been, oblivious or able at the time to notice, and had your best interests at heart.

It doesn’t mean this is always the case, or that it has to be, but depending on the way our mindset is and their outlook at that moment, influence and determine what we take from the words.

The person may not even know you have interpreted the words the way you have, that’s why we communicate is it not? The person may not have intentionally meant for whatever actions or issues that stemmed from it to have taken place.

What may be helpful when a misunderstanding or communication problem has taken place, is to reflect on the event where the incident happened, allowing yourself to become more aware of what went wrong. 

This opens opportunities for lessons to be learnt from the event that transpired, hopefully, so they are not repeated again in the future. 

It is important to become more aware because ignorance to oneself and others can be the most disabled individual, depending on opinions or perceptions,  Through time, insights and future learnings and understandings, at least decisions or actions can be, changed, learnt or rectified in some sense or another.

Another way of thinking which I find more fitting to myself, is I haven’t had access to the services able to teach and educate in the ways, that would be most beneficial and resourceful.

Unfortunately, I do not have access to the resources or have the insight, knowledge and educational experience, to be able to teach myself.  Therefore  I haven’t learnt the consistency yet when it comes to one’s self, or how to even take my own needs into consideration, but I plan to learn how to.

It is how you evolve and grow as an individual throughout life’s progress that matters most.  We all make mistakes but depending on whether we choose to learn or be ignorant to them, determines the path one chooses to walk.

Depression affects the interceptions of other peoples reactions to situations and circumstances which is something, that is just maintaining the depression, I will explain further to reiterate my point.

If you use your eyes, almost as if peering through the looking glass, with only a depressive lens, interpreting the actions of others in a negative mindset, unbalanced you are more than likely just making the other person or persons in the conversation, want to agree.

This in a sense is forcing, manipulating and influencing there actions and reactions.  I believe knowing what information is relevant to ones-self is the key to answering many an individual’s personal questions.

As I said the persons or person, probably hasn’t even said or necessarily meant any of this to stem from it.  They may or may not be, implying this is your fault but, that is down to individual interpretations and implications.

Possibly not even, and more commonly not your natural reaction, but bare in mind that the person is only giving observation through the lens, or lenses, they have available and the ability, or access to use them.

I believe that can manifest from consideration and empathy because they have been considerate enough and taken the time to make one-self aware to something they may have originally been unaware of. (people do help the people)

Anxiety and depression have so many linkable overlapping symptoms, treatment and causes that telling them apart can be quite challenging and frustrating for all parties involved.  Something worth remembering is that it’s not unusual to be simultaneously suffering both.

When said to be depressed, one may appear muted, dull, low, slowed down thoughts and reactions. Whereas with anxiety you may appear jittery, everything is heightened or on edge, everything can become more sped up and appear more extremely reacted to.

I never used to understand mental health, many moans, rants and moons ago I thought depression was an excuse, autism was someone with visible disabilities, I used to be so ignorant.

When it comes to depression and anxiety with myself, at times I find my brain heightens whilst my body appears depressed, having knock-on effects.  What I have been learning to do in order to better one’s self is that anxiety is related to fear and survival and is more problematic when out of proportion to the stressors. (grip stress)

Looking into  Generalised anxiety disorder highlights issues such as poor confidence and thinking there worthless which could transpire into Harmful symptoms, with long-term implications

We go around in our little bubbles doing our things, not a care in the world, but once something is pointed out that bubble can be burst, and there within (one’s-self), lays the problem that is my constant focus.  I believe that fundamentally, the thing that matters the most is as follows….,

The bottom line to me is not the actual mistake it’s self but the lessons taught and how we bounce back, that is the important and admiral point to remember.

How we raise that bar from this moment or any and so forth, determines the course of our next actions, that more often than not, are totally unpredictable but predictable in some senses. 

Every tough situation that I have ever been to where I hit a brick wall, I gently or forcibly remind myself of this, to bring me back to reality, intentionally bursting my bubble 

“When you get moments in time where you can be truly reflective and uninterrupted, grab them with both hands, cherish and nurture every second as it will never be wasteful but always insightful.”

I get a lot from these moments, putting the pieces together, altering and reshaping and seeing what can be created.  In these periods of time when able, I have time to gather my thoughts and appreciate everything relevant (a decluttering and organising phase of sorts), noticing things that I may, or may not have missed. 

I’m most reflective though when listening to words and music that resonate with my soul, where the words inspire and I have freedom internally to let the words flow without prejudice.

The majority of the time I am able to take enjoyment out of the other person’s mentality or infatuations, even if it’s not my interest, as it can be infectious if desired or influenced. I’m known as an emotion feeder in some senses, nicknamed a ‘feeder’ by one in another sense, as I appear to influence and feed off others emotions whether intentionally or not.

I can be an emotion feeder in a negative way when my mindset is filled with self-hatred, anxiety, and depression.

I came to the realisation some time ago that everybody needs something to believe in, something that gives a hopeful snug, safe and secure feeling. I believe it is embedded in our natural primitive self when we lose faith in what we have chosen, to believe in. 

The results vary dramatically from slightly altering to catastrophic or revolutionary, no one really knows the impact or the effect until the event takes place.  How do we learn and relate to things that don’t happen personally to one’s self, is through empathy, compassion, and understanding? 

Depression affects the way we intercept  and interpret ourselves and other peoples way of thinking and behaving in situations or circumstances that, if the person was in their right mind, they would have handled or behaved differently . 

Because of this way of thinking with a negative, overly critical or desperate outlook,  it just maintains and feeds the depression.  Therefore, causing the individual scales to remain unbalanced, making their goal of equilibrium that much harder

When using your eyes, you are looking through your own unique lenses that are tailored to fit the individual, so everyone sees the world differently.  Thinking in an analogical way where words fail at times, use visual aids and pictures to describe. 

When we are looking at life through a depressive lens, it can impact and affect others mental health as well as your own, or the way they understand or think.  When interpreting the actions of others through this lens, you will be influencing or in fact making them appear, to want to agree with what you say. 

Later after the individual’s reflection, they realise they do not in fact agree,.  Maybe they will voice this if they ever get the chance or feel comfortable enough to do so, or they may keep them words internally thought, never necessarily being outwardly spoken, so how do we learn from the words we may never hear.

Common sense would say we could learn from all senses available for use at the time, there are five in total but not everyone has them all which are, sight, taste, smell, hearing, and touch.

When we become so attached to our ideologies, we run the risk off being influenced by negative energy that we may, in fact, be manifesting.  Regardless of ones mindset evolution will continue with or without the words we say. 

When words said, in a way leaving no confusion or debate about there intention or current thought process, where descriptions are leaving no room for misinterpretations you can be labeled or considered, aggressive, so how do you change that?

How do you control what you outwardly show, where you don’t feel like a wolf in sheep clothing? 

Aggression is always associated with me but I’m never violent unless attacked, I precipitate and replicate your energy in an extremely worded and expressional way, but its done internal, without effort, then meticulously executed like a song which is soul destroying and exhausting, a complete contrast to the norm (disabled).  

So what is aggression seriously, I can mimic all aware and seen emotions but, trying to learn the systematic or processing way it is done for true understanding and self-teaching, is a headache and a path leading to self-destruction at times it seems to appear.

When our scales become so wonky and unbalanced your only hope for survival is achieving an equilibrium that is most definitely a clinical issue when you might be about to alter your path and learn the most heart-breaking, self-discoverable revelations that may be too late in one sense, but not the ones that matter. 

As soon as time passes to the millisecond, it becomes past tense.  I know this because I am forever stuck in the past and future so often I forget, miss my present and have to reflect back to the moment, I’m’ tired of this so time to change, shift my compass to a new direction, ride a different wave. 

Time to go practice what I preach and come back to my ‘present’….

A little insight into ones mental health and wellbeing

‘One theory is autistic minds make societies for the majority to live in, as they are the minority. Unable to fit in society themselves, they create the order in the disorderly society. They do this by challenging the social norms and expectations that make no sense, finding the most effective solution’

I will give some insight into what it is like being me, in a way that is hopefully understandable to all in some way or another.  I’ve been told I think and talk differently to the ‘norm’? What’s getting highlighted the most is my word choices and tones. (Maybe a speech/communication therapist of sorts could be useful) I know this uniquely individual man who was my go too in crisis before systems and procedures changed, he once said these insightful words to me about my mind. 

He described my mind in the sense that it appeared to be ‘on rocket fuel’, what was not getting understood is my mind is always like that, I was just having an extreme amount of difficultly, much harder than ever before job containing and expressing it. (complete malfunction, almost destruction)  It also depends how much tolerance and control I’ve learnt, and will continue to do so as time progresses.  Other factors that need taken into consideration is whether the knowledge I have gathered is accessible at that moment in time, which will determine how well and able I am to express it, and be around.

Words are something at times I can fail at, in such a defragmenting self-destructive way verbally, but never written which is debateable at times.  This is why I have shared parts of my first memoir  in amongst this blog for a good cause…. Literature, books, words… awareness versus ignorance.  I don’t know if I will ever publish a book or what my next steps are, suppose I will figure it out throughout this journey. 

Rebel was the theme when I began writing that memoir through old journals.  Yet again it is another word with so much shape, meaning and dimension in a literal sense. Dictionary definition states a Rebel is fighting against their own countries army to try change the political system there….  is that the first thought that springs to your mind when you here the word? I believe for some it will be if looked at in a narrow perspective possibly even, outlaw or outcast, vigilante, trouble maker and rule breaker.  Maybe through only one lens that may be black and white, now let’s start adding colour by widening that narrow perspective. (rebel, also means someone who doesn’t fit the norm)

Autism has so many meanings but the biggest challenge and obstacle I face daily is not the label, just getting access to the people who specialise in all these vast and varied labels, that is by no means simple and you best be thick skinned to handle it. I would need to change my entire degree plan to accommodate, neurological science, the brain.  What I write is just summarised and in no way am an expert just a patient, an individual, just someone wishing there were some ASD/ADHD female/male specialist who could spare some time, or anyone who can shed some light as the labels may not even be the right fit, but I am not educated enough to make that conclusion or decision.

As far as I am aware autism is a life-long condition altering the way in which the person view’s the world. It affects the way in which the person communicates, relates to other people, and how they make sense of the world around them. It impacts their behaviour, learning and social skills for the rest of their life. I remember reading BPD (borderline personality disorder), didn’t like it but secretly hoped that’s all I had, that was fixable and controllable if willing to put the work in which believe you me I always am, these are answers I’ve been searching decades for (how naïve I once was and still am in many ways). No matter what I do this defect always seems to be there but is it really a defect.

Younger years words described my brain as a curse, a poison, I now question the truth to my once uneducated view. I have a unique outlook on life, I have been told this  by many but I am already aware of this, once unwelcomed now embraced with open arms. I wouldn’t trade any of my colours in, I just want to understand them more.  Someone I used to know once used an analogy to describe me, she said I was like one of them old tellies, sometimes the colours are to bright or dull and have to be tweaked, then they are just right? my question is just right for who? Bare in mind you had to whack the heck out these old tellies to get it not so wonky!!!

Funny I used to like this analogy when thought picturesque. That was until I really thought about it and came to another realisation that’s just another way to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but it is still a prettier and kinder way that I have been described, been much worse. Society has always made sure I know I’m different, not normal etc and rebellions against what is a social norm seems to be the vain of my existence.  Sometimes my opinion on what a ‘social norm’ is can simply be summed up to being a puppet on string’s, a copy-cat, think I will pass thank you. My skill is a problem fixer, just need to learn the process and work out how to fix it first.

Before progressing further I just want to highlight I am not diagnosed autistic, just ADHD. Unfortunately in this instance I’m fighting a label, a stigma which is the autistic female, and the waiting list for help must be like Santa’s list for checking who is naughty or nice.  I have been on this journey on/off for decades, but more consistently with mental health for 2 and a half years +, now I’m told no one knows or can help for whatever reason until specialist respond, no one has the time.

Have to point out I was in crisis then but lucky I’m a self-directed learner and use every means and resource possible when required. I also want to point out there are differences between male and females regardless, no matter how small or big, so is it not ‘common sense’ to assume they would flag up differently under varied criteria,  in some aspects? I haven’t gathered enough information and insight into female autism to add comfortably to this blog but if you follow or keep checking back I will get that blog finished and published one day.

I encourage variation in thinking and openness to gain understanding into the working of peoples brains, but I think we can all be linked to the spectrum in one retrospect.  I like to believe that together as a unit we teach one another a lot, and learn from each other, if you truly listen and watch!!  Perfect is in the eye of the beholder, if looked at in another way somethings only perfect until one person becomes a critic?? I enjoy watching  different aspects of life, seeing how it develops and evolves in a never ending cycle.

I seem to keep facing the same dilemma, why introduce people to mental health, social work or any department that researches, aids or helps with any of your general or not, health and wellbeing, under the current way the system works, its disabling sometimes, unhelpful if not more than a hindrance??  I have encounter some of the most amazing people working for those choosing to help, burning their candles from every, and in some cases, any possible angle, but the are all just individuals working together, so the issue is not necessarily staffing to some extent. ( more complex and way above my expertise)

The rules procedures and protocols don’t work because they contradict each other and work on time scales not upkeeping with the human minds mental state decline (also no funding, staff, or structure, (most shocking thing I seen was a taxi paid to carry my medical records, talk about wastage.) Please remember we are not designed to fit into these boxes we are asked to tick to an exact fit, sometimes you can not force a fit or simply ignore it and hope it goes away, just because it doesn’t fit!!!

We can help in ahhhhhh 3 months 2 days……. Time????????? Or schedule you in 1hr a fortnight and you can tell me how I can help you???? I have difficulty at sterile, informal, or formal, however the person fancies being that day, unstructured and completely irrelevantly pointless communication, but believe me if I had the answer, trust me, I wouldn’t be seeking help from yourself or anyone for that matter no one would be.  So I think I may be echoing the voice of many where I say

‘no, I don’t know but it would be good if you could tell me, how you can help me or how together we can come to some solution or theory that may or may not be relevant or useful’…. Be very much appreciated.

Do you remember the computer animated Crazy frog back in 2003, you know the wee annoying thing, big magnified eyes with the goggles on the motorbike, winky hanging out and flapping about with the most annoying noise in the world ringtone? Well I had a meltdown, bipolar episode, manic depressive, break down, or, whatever label suits spring 2016.  Not sure what you call it, someone who can’t control mouth hands nothing, and is looking like a lunatic on all the wrong meds seeking isolation, keep that thought in mind.

A very educated woman with eyes that appeared in my line of vision, huge, they were so magnified, hidden under glasses like the crazy frog, highlighting the quirky brain scratching beneath the surface. They were so magnified and shining like a beacon, the brightest eyes I’ve seen to date. The reason I seen her eyes this bright is because my eyes and brain new I had stumbled upon a star, I’d found a very intelligent, in a very dynamic way, brain, that could give insight and knowledge in a way I never knew was possible. An amazing skill for details, there are a few human errors in her writing but happens to us all.  I’d of never set eyes on her words if I hadn’t of paid for it, my clinical psychiatrist is free to me but her analysis is not, there is always a cost.

She believes she can no longer help me by visually seeing and giving me a moment of time, my own eyes can register. She could help unravel and detangle my confusion, but I am not her focus, she’s a very important busy lady and I don’t mean that patronisingly. In this first meeting I couldn’t look at her, concentrate or understand a word she was saying, speaking words I’d never heard in that setting, asking questions that made little or no sense to no one bar herself (at the time, I have since learnt a lot).

Obviously, magnified eyes and crazy frogs are just analogy, but it is the best way I can describe the reason her eyes appeared this way, to me, at the time. It’s also the only way, I, can explain why I linked the crazy frog analogy to this woman, to my nana and back to myself. Almost as if she could be the key to unlocking the mystery.

In the middle of Spring 2018 my Grandfather passed 20 days after his birthday, we buried him 2 weeks later, on the Thursday. His granddaughter, a sister from another mother got married 2 days later, on the Saturday, my baby cousin, who never in a thousand years did I imagine, would finally shut up but she found someone that could do it.

When hope feels lost, we become quite desperate and it’s never pretty, but I always find my way home. What I can assure the people I do care for, regardless, when you truly need and want me, I will be there. Even when you think I won’t, or you worry about my capabilities, you’re just underestimating how thick my skin is, or, how big my heart is.

I defy conventional ways of thinking, or someone thinking they have any control on my internal thoughts, yes, you can influence but I have chosen to do every action I have done, and I will continue to choose the ones from now, until my last breath, I take full responsibility. I do not blame my actions on anyone, because, the bottom line is, it was my choice.

People are never truly alone, in some aspects, there is always something there, but you can truly be alone within oneself. Some-times I get wrapped up in my own world, that reality confuses me, but make me aware or self-conscious, you’d be safer having your foot pressed against a tiger’s throat (in an analogical mindset). I have so much self-control, but even I have tested my mind and body in ways I shouldn’t, but I am only human after all. Its mine, and, everyone else’s mistake’s I learn from, it’s how I evolve.

I began looking more in depth into personality trying to untangle the mess I visualise as mind, body, and soul. Tying up all the loose ends in my head with the question who am I? Following the cookie/bread crumb trail as you do, I came across a type of personality test which is a form of psychological typology.  I investigated this for personal reasons not for diagnostic purposes. Have to say, my ego got some very much needed attention, A mastermind you say, well now, thank you very much. Clever written words claim that you have more chance meeting a unicorn than you do me, if all words, written or spoken were to be believed, so let’s break it down.

Another perspective is it’s a scientific, strategic mind. I am a master of my own mind, we all are to some extent or another, whether we’ve intentionally or unintentionally blinded or, blinding ourselves to that notion is irrelevant. You have one brain regardless of its condition, make sure you use it to its, full, potential. Your actions will impact humanity, even if it’s only your own, negative or positive.

So, I will reiterate my point, I am a MASTER of my own MIND, we all are to some extent, but my passion is learning and I use anything and everything around me to gain more knowledge. A table leg could teach me a lesson or help solve a puzzling problem depending on the perspective and/or outlook when addressing the issue, is it round or edged, smooth, stable, calm, not rough around the edges!!?

The difference between a mastermind and someone on the spectrum, is that one is just categorising behaviour/personality traits, the other is a neurological brain disorder. Anybody is prone to be a Victim, a product of mental health, I suppose that’s why we have clinical psychiatrists, CPNS, social workers, health assistants, GP’s crisis nurse’s and many more I can’t gain access to ever, or at times. When no one gives me the answer verbally, I will find it if its written, or any other of my senses are able and are accessible to me.

People call me unique, of course I am, but so is being you, I’m just rather quirky. Some people seem to think I mean a negative when I say that something is quirky, and I remember internally thinking I hope not that’s how I describe myself. To have a scientist profile means you’re a natural born leader if required to be. I never take things on face value, all the tests (I’m a fish in some), help, support, words, because, none can guarantee accuracy, but one thing I do know is me, but not always through another individuals eyes, maybe I haven’t learned how to communicate with your personality/brain yet, in a way that is understandable and beneficial to all parties involved.  Please just be patient because I may not have learnt just yet, but I can learn or at the very least me empathetic, and then I will be able to if it is within my capabilities.

Which leads me to the question am I Autistic? Am I the disabled one? Do I have the disorder? Am I parts of them all? My scales are out on that. Maybe, but by describing my experience I’ll open that question for debate because people seem to get confused and think I hate labels, that is inaccurate.  I’m not a fan of labels that don’t fit, also, labels are just smaller categories for a vast amount of people, things, but labels do help, with regards to aiding in finding the individual understanding sometimes, closure.

In some aspects I can’t seem to find answers that makes sense, maybe I never will, which I think is a problem every human being can relate to, but there is no one size fits all solution, it is an individual journey, unexplainable in a logical, and rational way at times, which contradicts my theory everything has an answer, or does it? I recently lost my grandad and have to say it is my first where ‘love’ is imbedded into my foundation, a huge part of my life, so this pain hurt.

Trying to get my head around it has been hard. I’m a book worm and proud, an appreciation taught by my nana and father in two, completely different ways. I seek solace in words where others may fail, or, not have the ability to use. I began reading a book I never have before on, soul searching…. Revelation and a half, a whole other perspective. What happens after has been a constant vain to me to the point my RE teacher refused to teach, I loved the stories, understood the virtues and values but not enough to believe word for word what is written. I’m naturally, always sceptically looking, for the most accurate answer which led me to a question when do I stop? Can I stop? Should I stop asking?

Stephen Hawkins theory is we return to space, almost making our existence only significant for the period we remain living in our bodies on earth, found this fascinating. Others believe we have souls separate from the entities of our bodies, not necessarily linked to religion. Others choose the words of the bible to be there core foundations, hence, why I wrote my version of my bible, about my foundations. Whatever our beliefs we will never know till our time. My grandad was making lunch, and, went completely unexpected, the week before his Granddaughters wedding. Somehow, we all managed through the stress and the pain. But together, through the negative (Red) and the positive (Blue) we managed a funeral and a Wedding in April 2018.

Just before these events I was beginning to crawl out from under my shell, after having locked myself away from society/external influence for some time. I done this because I couldn’t get a grip on how I influenced others or was influenced myself (entrapment, internal prison), scared to say or do anything in case I unintentionally offended . My neighbour said, she never seen me for a year, I can disappear when I want to does not mean I never go out. But why? Because outside, external influences were negative and I could not cope. Also, I can’t help but want to know your true story, not the mask worn.

Visualise this picture, Jim Carrey as the mask, I want to rip it off, that egotistical, obnoxious, wretched green mask, the eccentric clothing and all, strip it all back, see all your colours the ugly and the pretty, to see the depths of what’s scratching just below the surface, and into the deep. So, when it came to a wedding and a funeral, with lot of people, a room full of family and strangers, I was one of the most able there, as fixing other problems allows me to avoid mine, until a time where I am more comfortable or able to manage, and control the feelings and emotions attached to the event. I can become somewhat, detached and disabled. The perfect clown, mimicking whoever I talk to, like a chameleon, make them comfortable and at ease. I become their puppet, or so it appears.

I once wrote how effective words can be depending on the persons perception at the time of hearing. Another factor needing to be taken into consideration. Sometimes we get so caught up in the detail, that we fail to see the whole bigger or smaller picture. Diamonds in the rough, people with a spark, that has not been dimmed intrigue me, as they have answers I do not, and an inner ability I will continue to try and learn, an inner peace of sorts.

Hope can be found anywhere and in anything depending on your way of thinking. When humanity fails, nature provides and so forth, the cycle is forever on a loop. Hope in people, life, my family, those I care for, those I have managed to grow attachments to, always has me slowly crawling out from the rock in which I will manage to crawl under….. never lose hope because nothing is truly ever hopeless unless you choose for it to be.