My focus is how too refocus oneself in a different way depending on mindset, mood or individualistic requirements that influence, seems a repetitively effective method and technique for this individual that I abandoned, at a time I needed it the most.
I believe it was because I allowed negative influence, words and feelings to set roots where they didn’t belong. fighting in stead of acceptingly embracing and managing my quirky abnormities that once were just normal to me, before people. Currently I am trying to remind myself of a once upon a time where I used to give it all out and get it all back.
I always get there in the end landing on an answer that places me in the eye of the storm out of the chaos, showing the direction to the calm, eventually seeing, accepting and fixing the destruction left behind. Starting the process all over again repairing and strengthening the foundations in avoidantly demanding preparation, for what I once did not have the time or ability to see.
What direction, method or timeframe is unpredictably predictable in some of the most orthodoxly simple, sometimes immeasurable in a humanistic statistical way that puts reason to logic. Manipulating and managing natural chemical balances for any individual is a daunting task regardless of the method, may it be the long way round, the way the crow flies cutting directly through the middle, or sitting on the side lines biding your time….
Whatever you do never give up because there is always light at the end of the tunnel, do not fall into the dark hole of abyss, cloaking and submerging yourself in the self sabotaging way of thinking that is depression, sadness is unavoidable but manageable before it manifests into something, way more ugly.
It is up to you not to let anything snuff out your light, an inner battle that can be helped with sheer will and determination to survive, and an empathetic hand to find what yours is. If you know it or when you find it you may have to dig real deep, but anchor to it and never let go of it. Before my children I used to just follow my feet, brushing off the dust and getting back up, no matter what because once upon a time I only had me, myself and I for whatever reason, to many to pin point just one.
Now I follow my children’s, partner’s and mine in some of the most challenging dynamically frustratingly unexplainable ways, but I do eventually turn the corner to see what I once avoided.
There within is the reason I wouldn’t change any of my colours, just like to understand and manage them better in a more beneficial way, for everyone.
What I’m learning to be a more important factor though is accepting and having faith in myself primarily, as I fight another battle with my biggest critic that is self-hatred. Whether I lose or win this one is not the questionably relevant outcome that determines all, because I will win the war against my inner Bermuda triangle, regardless.
Something I once was ignorant to but becoming more aware of is nowadays, I’m always hesitating, second guessing myself, not for myself but for others, to the point I appear to be lost, at times.
The amazing thing I find about my brain is, I always leave a cookie trail to follow my way back carrying knowledge and understanding in some of the most innovatively revolutionary, but sometimes destructive ways for myself, and others.
I have perfected the art of Silencing and protecting my inner core through perfectly imprisoning masks, takes a spectacularly observant eye to see the cracks and showing them seems to have had the worst, but best impact on my mental health and wellbeing for myself, and others.
As my action man once said ‘I am really resilient’…. I find myself saying I have very thick skin because nobody could be harder on me than I am myself, but how many theoretical burns does one person need to take to learn their lesson. If a lesson is not learnt, the negative will continue, thus the positive in any bad situation being the lesson learnt and what actions, behaviour and outcomes that you take from them, that determines the path, you end up finding yourself on.
This is how I always manage to bounce back and land on my feet, some what like my nemesis known as the cat. Our energies do not mix both equally wary of one another, approaching with caution. Just a thought but probably because were both as unpredictable as each other, relate better with dogs, cats make me nervous.
Through writing and people there is a voice emerging behind the silenced, removing the veil figuratively speaking unravelling the tangle, allowing insight and glimpses into my hidden world, that I am now learning many others are trapped in.
The hope and intent is to make room to blossom fully opening up, by no longer holding myself back and getting nothing, in return. I have personal reasons that make me continue this journey with my mental health team as do they, which is the reasons for many as I have learnt first hand, to why they do their job in the first place never giving up, everyone has a story.
What isn’t needed or doing any good for you, can’t be ignored if the cost is yourself. If you need to hide do it temporarily until you reflectively recuperate or ground yourself. If you do not like it express it but in an empathetic way, only then can we truly blossom into the true reflection of ourselves.
Right now the best way to describe how I feel is with these words….. I am looking at heaven whilst living in a hell of my making, asking questions that have led me to answers I never thought or imagined, I would find. I don’t know what I believe but I have learnt not to allow my eyes, ears or any of my senses to be deceived.
Answers live indefinitely and what we once may have thought, may not have been the case which we often, learn too late. So for me personally it is time to face it, stop running or hiding from the reality, bursting the bubble I no longer need. Today has been a day where I face the music instead of, hiding behind it.
I have been a busy wee soul in the right and wrong ways, but managing the negative and positive in a balanced way, is never easy. I’m a firm believer that you have to have faith in yourself to have faith in anything else, to maximise full potential and growth.
So, a little about my day that allowed for an evolutionary pinnacle moment on a personal level, different from what had become my norm. My wee mans first full day (9:00am-3:20pm) in nursery couldn’t have gone better, neither could have my first day of putting my big girl pants on and getting back out into the big wide world, where real people live, child free!!. Could have been more productive in some ways, but it was my first day with that amount of hours kid free, man free, and time for myself to do with as I please.
I managed getting kids too and from school without turning it into a military operation of get in, get out ninja style with as minimal notice, or small talk as possible. For a change my brain didn’t switch to high alert, danger or high voltage, internally wanting to mimic my sons behaviour of hiding under the table.
I am an Adult, so that I believe may spark some questions and sideward glances making the cracks visible, so standing like a statue seems to be my usual mask and way of coping to cover the cracks, one extreme to another.
I managed to control and manipulate my thoughts as soon as I was aware my mindset had shifted back to catastrophise my way of thinking. I’ve created habits, systems and strategies to avoid, a little to well, forgetting I’m a living breathing organism.
I had a great morning but I have to say to all mothers used to getting two kids ready in the morning for nursery and arrive on time, hats off to you because I was not prepared for the mass difference at 7:00 o’clock with the 3 and 9 year dynamic. Smoke was coming out my backside as I made pack lunches, dealt with melt downs and hormones, using negotiation techniques in the skilled, unquestionable way.
My avoidant behaviour to the previous demands the night before, were surely noted. I need to have everything organised and prepared the night before, which is next weeks plan
So as I say dropped kids off, had bumped into a friend on the school run home the previous afternoon, and planned a proper catch up for this morning. We met up after dropping my wee man off 10 minutes before 9 (early bird for a change), and chatted for about 5-6 hours.
I have not been so social in the past few years… most definitely not a social butterfly, slowly changing it but not making much progress as I continuously shut myself away. Time frames always varying from some time, too uncalculatable amounts of time. More often increasing becoming more extreme a shut down than a melt down, as time has progressed. As of late I seem to have managed a lot more forced and unavoidable social interactions.
I’m learning to trust and enjoy it, with the right people and manipulate the energies with the ones that I don’t. Building up your self esteem and confidence is no easy task, especially when it is in the gutter but I’m not one to shy away from a challenge
I even managed a 40min gab with mum, catching up and hearing how good things are starting to become after my grandad passed in April and my Mentally challenged Nana in her mid 70’s, come to live with them a few weeks ago. I am able to be an empathetic ear but unfortunately due to distance, not able to actually be of much use when their working. In time I hope to change that but unfortunately, that is something out with my control at the moment, that will change in the future.
The fact we have the National health service is a blessing even though we constantly exhaust the resources making the time-delays appear unavoidable. But the right people are becoming involved opening doors for my Nana and myself by taking the time to gather information, starting therapy in our futures to help heal and allow for a clearer, more acute understanding allowing for clarity where there once, appeared to be none
This Journey and process has and will change mine and others futures, it is taxingly exhausting on every individuals mental health involved. The system is in dire need of a resurrection but there are people trying to do that by NEVER giving up on those, who need their help. The journey is hard, but my scales always balance out eventually and this time I know inside and outside, I am not Alone
www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth
- My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
- Trip down Memory Lane
- Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
- My Journey through Mental health
- The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
- Welcome to the natural empathiser