Thursday 23rd August 2018, never forget the old discovering the new

Source of writing feature photo by Pixabay

We are always looking for new ways to do things, even in times when it is not necessary, especially when we do not understand it.  I never forget the old when I discover something new, it is how I decide my next steps.

I am beginning to understand what I once upon a time thought wasn’t possible, for someone like me in to many ways, that I have not learnt yet how to communicate.  The reasons are many but I have either forgotten, never or yet to be taught, how to put it, express it or explain it in a language, that is understandable, insightful and useful, seems to be my consistently persistent challenge

I’m a reader, used to created stories because they weren’t real….. Easier or so I had deluded myself to believe, just helped me escape my reality by living in someone else’s fantasies. I haven’t really been able to complete a book for some time, almost worse than losing access to being able to write in 2016.  

I have had to become hyper focused on untangling and fixing certain areas and aspects relating to my own life. 

I am also a writer, someone who has used it to help myself my entire life from the moment I knew how.  Sometimes I am unable to catch a single word to bring to life through pen and paper, typewriter or digitally, pictures emerge instead somewhat clusters where my hand flows turning doodles into understanding, visually.

Now I find myself sharing these words because I could not ignore the fact that there are far to many people out there suffering, unaware there is help there and not possibly in the conventional way.  I am currently being helped by a system where there most required resource is become obsolete, time scales stretched to impossibly frustrating and disabling lengths.

As I follow a new trail but never forgetting the old, I learn through intelligently intuitive insights with so much intellect, from experiences that cause the chemical balances in my body to produce complex levels, that my body rejects because they can cause them to spiral.

To put that in another way, someone reminded me that hopes, dreams and change can happen in the most fascinatingly unexplainable but necessary ways, whether you let it or not.  How you prepare, manage or control it is another journey I am only just coming to grips with, comparing old with new and finding the middle with the right people by my side

Recently I have had to do this in many areas in my life where decisions have, and have had to be made.  There is one in particular that has caused many a frustration but the deadlines fast approaching, and my scales have dipped to extremes both negatively and positively, but their balancing more acutely, with what I plan on studying.

I have decided accountancy and writing because they are both equally relevant, combining the two.  Sounds way better than forgetting all about everything I have tried to study for, the path I have worked towards over coming many an obstacle, for a few years now.

I am still learning how to juggle myself, family and life in general just like every human-being, going through a decluttering, organising and sorting of phase just now, in every way I am currently able.

I have learnt peoples experiences, the steps they have taken, and the outcomes that have happened, can exhaust, humble and ground simultaneously in the most peculiar of ways.  My verbal is not the best consistently, but I can try and help through writing and other projects, that I have begun undertaking because silence is not doing anyone any favours, at times.

For me change is evolutionarily unavoidable allowing me to come to the decision, I will not be studying psychology or science academically at the moment, because the change would be to big to manage, predict or control.

Another reason is because once upon a time I picked what I have chose to study for many a reason, more so because in high school I had only a few lessons in many subjects but business, the least.  Change is needed but I’m not going to solely focus on business or writing, I will combine them alongside psychology and science, but in a different way.

I used to read novels obsessively, I changed that….. words in many ways I could relate to because personally they are relevantly linkable and relatable to my present, past and future

Sometimes we can all think in the wrong frame of mind requiring slight alterations, to get it in the right frame.  For myself I am now back in my right mind, just the wrong frame, requiring careful manipulative moves altering the course, ever so slightly for my internal compass, but I will get there.

I am not a therapist, degree holder or someone that claims to know all.  I do study with the open university have for many years, read countless amounts of words, and have heard many a story.  I am a patient of the NHS, a mentally challenged one that you would never consider, if you allow your eyes to be deceived.

Out of the 3 gender categories at birth which are Female, Male and intersex, my gender is female and I have had 30 years, soon to be 31 in October.   Had no say in the gender, neither did my mum she only had the X chromosome. It was actually my dad who decided, when the strongest won.

Myself and my partner now have a number of days before our daughter turns 10 and we couldn’t be prouder.  Our son is a handful mind you but an amazing character who is just a wee pre-schooler.

So, I am a mother of 2, in a long-term relationship, who happens to be the very broad but required label female, who is a patient trying to understand and survive, similar but different things to yourself.

I seem to verbally communicate snippets, clues or questions as I hungrily search for more understanding, knowledge for my own personal growth, my families and others.  This is what guides and keeps me steering, on whatever course my life decides, chooses or wants.

The natural Empathiser used to be a solo journey or so I thought, it never really has been.  Yes I have created a website and begun communicating written and verbally, in many new and old ways.  If it wasn’t for the people who I have met, that I read or hear about, I wouldn’t be here today writing these words, life has a mysterious way of balancing itself out.

For more insight, understanding or for whatever reason brought you to my word in the first place, visit

If you are suffering and form of self hatred, anxiety or depression you might benefit from reading A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression, as someone who has been there and can relate, this is what I have discovered through my way of thinking, and something I once thought but now understand…….. your not alone.

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

The Peoples empathiser

My first blog is about understanding and sharing the feelings of one another, find out more at

‘How a person interprets words depends on many factors to name but a few…. There natural, and unnatural environment, circumstances on which it is heard, the emotional meaning or message portrayed in projecting the words, all influence how we act, think or behave.

May it be tone, style, word choices, body language, personal circumstances, past experiences or current knowledge, the list can go on and on. The point I am making is words are pointless if they confuse, misguide, hurt, or destroy what they were never meant to.

If you don’t understand, give your full attention and truly listen to what’s being said, to imply or interpret the words heard in a way that is not meant, how can you understand, how can anyone help….

Sum it up, you rebel or obey against a fight that will never be eliminated, just changed from minority to majority which is, awareness versus Ignorance.

Once upon a time, I lacked self-awareness becoming stuck in concrete thinking, being overly descriptive and disabling to the point I became, an unskilled communicator.  I continuously, whether consciously or not, kept choosing ignorance over awareness which was causing irritable intolerances, impulsiveness, and reactive tendencies.

I went against my natural nature repeatedly becoming a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am always in a constant search for answers, and most importantly hope, it’s what keeps me breathing in one sense.

I am a 30-year-old mother of two, in a long-term relationship who is currently diagnosed ADHD (labels always change), and a suspected autistic female awaiting specialist help and analysis.

Unfortunately, my “disabilities” are invisible so to speak, unless I’m malfunctioning, then physically it’s crystal clear although I do not have any obvious physical distortions.

I have been on one heck of a rollercoaster journey these past few years, and it has been a traumatically invigorating eye opener.

It has been well documented through journals and first-hand experience, especially regarding what it is like being a patient under current NHS standard procedures and protocols where I have met many a diamond in the rough my action man (CPN) being one.

In my opinion things have changed  but not enough since my teens, same mistakes still getting repeated or conclusions drawn. (to many words needed for my first blog, many stories for many other day’s)

This experience and not my disabilities, has nearly ended my journey repeatedly, there are lots of side effects to the uncommon/common meds coinciding with a lack of consistent, reliable or assured care, alongside negative intentional and unintentional influences.

Unfortunately, ADHD and ASD specialists are almost, if not rarer to find than my personality behavioural traits, on the NHS.  Then add the fact I’m female and an adult you end up with a major conflicting and contradicting problem.

Sometimes help can be disabling and systems soul destroying without intention, not always the case when you don’t give up or stumble upon diamonds in the rough, that stop you from wanting to.   It can be hard to accept for myself and my family when our cries for help are answered with….

‘We can’t help you at the moment’

I am someone that doesn’t fit within this society, or so it would appear if every human being thought rigidly or believed word for word everything they were told.

The harder I try, the more confusing and tangled it can become at times until I unravel and solve the puzzle.  I love problem-solving if it’s within my interests or capabilities, my niche as those closest says, seems to be people problem-solving.

My goal and new-found purpose in life, (the reason a technological goof is becoming a blogger), simply put, is to spread awareness.  I can excel at following the breadcrumb trail and my focus is always on finding answers, just depends what I am focusing on.

I Particularly enjoy theme writing and reflective writing, stuff that requires me to gather lots of information, sift through it finding the useful and concluding understandable answers, given the information available.

I like delving into the unknown, manipulating and questioning conventional ways of thinking that are disabling or problematic, closure and understanding keep me content.

My confidence and self-esteem has taken some bashing over the years but if I don’t speak out and tell my story, how can it change?  How do I, or anybody else in similar or completely different circumstances, gain access to the help we need, that is effectively useful in a society so tangled.

If I open up, maybe, just maybe, so might someone else and together who knows, but alone that can become pointless.

My hope and ideology is by doing this, more people will be able to relate or at the very least truly feel free to reflect and express their views, opinions, understandings and misunderstandings, just scratching below the surface begging to be brought to life, and understood in the way that matters to the individual.

That’s the fantasy I suppose but it is one that I do hope to achieve in reality to whatever extent possible, suppose becoming a blogger is the first stepping stone to delve into something unpredictable with the potential to be something beautiful.

Simply put, just a deeper understanding of individuals and everything in between to some extent or another.  To achieve this, firstly I have to put my words out there for others to read and respond to, which leads me to an epic moment in my life.

I have put the final full stop, at the end of the final chapter paragraph, and closed the cover, placing it on the shelf, clearing space to begin a new book, a blogger it appears!! The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished.

I have been a closed book for so long when it was finally opened it was like opening Pandora’s box.

I had to learn a lot just to survive, now I’m in control of my book, writing my perspective through my own words and findings, my story is open for all to see, in the widest possible sense that I am capable of, Vulnerable versus invulnerable thanks to myself and those who never gave up.

Naturally, I question everything to gain tolerance and understanding, by thinking dynamically in all aware perspectives, in an analytical and diplomatic way.

Where I am struggling is finding the balance between being more openly approachable versus being awkwardly reserved. This seems to be a blind spot where I intend to shed some light.

I have spent so much time analysing and trying to learn to communicate to all that, I didn’t even realise I already am a skilled communicator.  My niche is written communication, literacy, relevant words for basic survival and existence with reflection.

Words are used to create understanding and shape, so I want to express what I am incapable of at times, expressing verbally.  I will communicate in written language my way, hopefully untangling confusion and broadening understanding in my own unique way.

A place I can truly be me with very limited restrictions, to express one’s self in a creative freedom of speech kind of way.  (hopefully without standing on any, or too many toes.)  Inviting others to share their words or find use out of mine…….. awareness versus ignorance in every sense, not just stigma

Source of writing –

Further Reading categories

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser