How to start!!! The ultimate question that has left so many pieces of paper blank, possibly writer’s block implemented in my brain for the past few years. I miss it, my mum says its something I’ve always done is write it down.
When thinking back she is right, it is when I’m not getting what I’m wanting to say across verbally, I write.
I have not lost the skill, just the ability to use it in the short-term, even what I write is so below my normal skill set but I don’t care I want it back, therapeutic arguably and the more I do it, the more it improves, the better I can communicate.
I had proven this back in February 2018 with A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018. This was a man I have struggled with emotionally over the years, butted heads with but formed a genuine bond in which together, we can now laugh at the history in past memories over the years.
I will never forget our first meeting end December 2012/January 2013. I had just moved to the land of the lost, after seeking refuge. We had our appointment and his eyes unsettled me to the core near the end as they noticed things my poker face couldn’t hide.
He asked questions that no other doctor has, in the context he done it, maybe compassion is the word I’m looking for.
I clammed up so tight as his brain and eyes were far too observant and sharp, unsettling me and leaving me feeling vulnerably exposed.
I remember the phone conversation with my mum after where I described him as one of these hillbilly doctors, probably living in some cabin in the woods (not stereotyping something from the movies at all here!!) I’d just moved from the city to the country, I was used to the conveyor belt treatment).
His eyes unnerved me because they appeared to look as if they could see through my armour, past the chameleon that is me, as if he could look into my very soul, I left with my tail dangling between my legs.
He wanted to help, always has and regardless of the struggles he always will if he is able, and that was why I cried out for help to him, as I was failing with everyone else. I knew he would listen and try everything he could to help, I just had to communicate it right so that he could.
I feel honoured and privileged to of had him as my doctor, a pillar to the community and that’s not just my word.
One of the most sought-after doctors here, a credit to his profession and believe you me I’ve only met a handful like him over the years, I wouldn’t be where I am at the moment without his support, understanding, and patience when my behaviour is less easily explained.
I have a plan, a focus, fixing my inner foundations and structure…. That’s if I don’t flat line on appearance and become trapped in an inner hell, looking for anything to clutch so I can come out the other side.
After my appointment back in February 2018 where I handed over words so raw and open to me, overwhelmed was an understatement, silent tears flowed, triggered by anything happened for hours as I got stuck in my past.
Being around me can damage your own mental health when I am like this and verbally communicating, dissecting as my mind raced all because I managed to get the words down, someone took the time to read and I knew I had got across what I wanted to say.
At the time his answers gave so much relief and hope it was intense. I wanted to hide, thought of the hospital, hiding in my room in a pain no one should have to witness or be around.
Through time I became more high, metaphorically running around looking, listening reflecting on ways I could fight the dark fog threatening to suffocate me. I then became higher emotional instead of low, flat and deflated if that’s the right word.
I’m lucky my mum understands my language and even though verbally to anyone else, they wouldn’t have understood, just left the conversation exhausted and confused, my mum managed and helped to change my perspective slightly.
Best I can explain but to the next point, triggered from the change in perspective, ignorance can be bliss, but I no longer have that option, knowledge, and understanding is what I’m lacking, so fix it.
I read mass amounts always have but have stuck to more fantasy and supernatural, time to come out of fantasy and into reality no matter how badly I want to avoid it.
What I’ve found on mental health has been exhausting, a point-less or more in some ways, so I decided to start looking into the one I refused to believe many a moon ago, ASD but resources are limited and time-consuming.
I have found a book written so brilliantly, I have decided to read the whole thing in one sitting. Would have been done February 2018, would have been an all nightery as the first 50 pages had me so intrigued but I had promised to switch off, if there is such a thing, to try switch off.
To date, I have still not managed that book and to many tasks to list as far too much has clouded my focus, knocked it off or changed it entirely for that moment in time (mostly out of my control).
Unfortunately, that bit of space with no influence has not been possible and I’ve exhausted the resource that is me yet again. When it does become a reality and space is not just a fantasy, I image I will have already found most my answers and more.
Eventually, they will become reflective, time frames are just too long though, that is something requiring immediate attention.
My compass is forever shifting as I pass by, no matter how tiny or huge, always shifting to point me in the direction I need, want, or must be at that present time.
- Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
- Looking into the word individual
- Sunday 23rd September 2018; taking the lid off words to my action man, long overdue
- A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018
- 28th April 2018; reflecting back when a bereavement the day before, shut down my ability to communicate