Wednesday 15th August 2018, the birth of Lilly Fall

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com Feature photo by pixabay at http://www.pexels.com

Somehow during this crazy rollercoaster of a ride we call life, I got lost along the way, which happens more often than I can manage at times these days, and I need to be found. 

Unfortunately, as I have learnt through first hand experience and others, being trapped within yourself can be the most soul destroying, heart breaking confinement to witness, be a part of or break out of, impacting and influencing in the most extraordinarily confusing ways, sometimes unanswerable, taught or learnt.

Being able to pin point the exact moment has almost run its course of creational destruction, testing my self-control too breaking point, evolutionary and innovatively original ways of thinking or reacting, a necessity.

The only way it can be narrowed down, detached whilst still attached and uninfluenced, is too categorise it into one manageably intangible label, by combining fiction and reality, enabling the birth of ‘Lilly Falls’, becoming tangible and real, unavoidable, the demand and need to great for myself and those closest.

My survival instincts and fight or flight reactors have kicked in, my walls coming up protecting where I once may have been vulnerable, because I showed weakness in a way that caused personal repulsions. I allowed myself to become covered and drenched in self-pity, self-hated, self-sabotage, self-destruction, felt like a little girl, lost.

This is usually done privately but was witnessed by another, becoming my disabilities instead leaving me no choice but to rebel, slamming through the wall instead of hiding behind it, my feet grounded and rooted.

This behaviour and outlook shouldn’t be the reflection of this mother of 2 in a relationship, a 30 year old female who really needs to pull herself together in my opinion.  This questionable cycle is my constant or so it seems to be the case the majority of the time, but no more.

Hopefully the process will speed up after I meet with the clinical psychologist, but there are things I can do in the mean time. Breathing, voicing and asking the question, “what do I do now”, because these waiting processes take longer at times, than the time frame it takes for my mental health to deteriorate.

I think the reality is my pride and dignity felt lost and truly clueless, as I seen myself through different eyes.  I did not like the emotions portrayed in them or their accuracy, giving me my sight and drive back, where I once was blindly lost

Most of my answers have come from the silent, unspoken or hidden words desperately needing voiced, behind the lens.

I’ve spent years manipulating myself into a tangle, or so it appears rewiring my brain to the point the originality of the foundations I was built on top off, can no longer be seen. The other day during an appointment sparked and fuelled this way of thinking, intentionally or not, but welcomed with a warm embrace. My story is pitifully desperate and pathetic, filled with self-loathing and hatred, taught by many a harsh lesson and revolutionary discovery, but their is a bright side.

Because I breathed the words or dared say them aloud to someone truly listening, and proving by actions not just words, left no room for delusions or hiding in my head. Every time I look back I see where I have worded things wrong, but a complete deliberate  but methodical way in answering more questions, at too rapid a speed for normal conversation.

I am beginning to believe by  confusing and tangling everything, it allows me to manage my emotions or chemical balances, maybe for analysis I wonder, because I feel vulnerably exposed or desperate, almost demandingly avoidant. It’s something I have always done, but I am becoming consciously more aware of making it easier to realise, but yet still continuously happening in a somewhat more manageable way.

I had a moment where I truly realised how lost I had become, I felt pitifully pathetic and started the amazing delusional act of self-destruction. I am my worst critic, a former crisis nurse I no longer have, saved me from myself time and time again once said to me, I was really hard on myself, this is intentional because my words are bluntly harsh when relating to myself. By being this way it knocks me off the one way ticket down the black hole of abyss I like to refer to as anxiety and depression. I’ve had to be this to bring me back to reality, to find or prevent myself from becoming lost or trapped.

I’m damaged doesn’t take a genius, or a degree to work that out. From a young age I’ve found myself saying this brain, that is able to learn and do things different from the ‘norm’, is a curse. This journey with mental health has taught me, that curse is a gift if learnt how to control, a neurological disorder coinciding with psychological disorders that disable me, nobody understood or could explain in my circles at the time, but I’m told I will get, because they are there, and will have access to them at some point in the future.

Believe me you, that is not the first time I have heard those words but no actions to solidify, but believe you me I think I do now, because of the determination, sincerity and passion behind them, matching her eyes.  That has me believing that there are still people holding the heart of this national health system in their hands, keeping it beating manually, patience and determination to never give up has led me right to them.  I hope to be saying the words I’ve only been able too read or hear from others before, in my future.  Made possible and thanks to those from my past and present.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

A Reflection of the day dated 27/02/2016, on current day dated 05/07/2018

Join me on my trip of self-discovery and hopefully, having it confirmed one way or another whether I am Autistic, Bipolar Type 2, ADHD (current diagnosis) or a combination of all 3 from the people that have the knowledge, understanding and experience to look at the individual, and have the time to help me. 

I am a mature female, in a relationship and a mother, but I am just an individual, someone looking for answers and help that shouldn’t be this difficult to access, but unfortunately it is.  The end goal is that from confirmations more acute and relevant to one’s-self, help and doors will open to allow me to learn new ways and techniques to combat these disabilities, as alone it’s getting to hard and in some ways, it is preventing me from moving on, or living the life I possibly could.  This desire for isolation and space is getting stronger and stronger, but no way of having it.

I see so many blogs and think that used to be me, before I learned this or that, but there is still so much I am ignorant to, that impacts my day to day living.  Maybe by showing where I once was, to where I am now, it might allow for broader insights and understanding.  Hopefully without imposing too much strain on my own mental health and wellbeing in my present. It has been challenging for people to help because I am so closed off, but I am trying to be more open, but I am selective in that because I have taken many a burn, theoretically speaking through systems, procedures and people trying to help.  

I suppose this is the journey delving into my most traumatic and invigorating experiences to date, learnings, and misunderstandings still to be, or already cleared up.  After the original entry Grammarly corrected, there will be a little personal writing in my present.  This is a walk down my memory lane, the words will be what they were at the time.

Please remember, these are my personal diary entries at the time they were thought and believe you me, in a lot of ways my opinions and attitudes have changed for the better.  Also, I may have been highly medicated on some of the craziest combinations that altered my perceptions and proceptions in varied ways.

Please read from an empathetic view point and walk in my shoes, figuratively speaking, for the time it takes reading my words, because this is, was, and will continue to be, my life, so let’s see what my refection shows. 

Saturday 27th February 2016

Wow words so effective depending on the persons perception at the time of hearing.  The ‘Ability’ (Disability) depending on the persons personal or ignorant view point or experiences.

I have an

·         Ability

·         Disability

·         Order

·         Disorder

Doesn’t matter how many of either I have because I am so self-awakeningly ‘Wild’ and self-tamed.  Let’s try the shit sandwich delicate flowers approach. I am already full of mindfulness and one with my natural environment.  I have fought every disability I have, every disorder I have through watching humanity and society.  Sometimes I truly believe I am poison but let’s look at the reality with a little riddle ‘love me right and you will be all right…… hurt me and I’ll hurt you by exploiting your disorders, disabilities, ignorance or selfishness.

I never do anything half-heartedly, I give you my best but lose hope I will drown with you, but I will always, regardless, float even if I must watch or make the person drown so I can swim away.  I am unique there is no label for me, take away my abilities, learn my disabilities becomes so obvious.

I use my resources till they have nothing useful for me to survive no more.  Time for a switch off but something I would love to learn is, where does someone think they have the right to be deluded and ignorant, to think just because you’ve took away somethings freedom and offered it something meaningless, does not mean you can own, possess, or control it.  They’ll just play your game till it is time to break free.  I achieved a lot and now my bubbles burst, and my walls broke, the waters putting out my flame, but my brains fire and I AM the ignition. 

So, if I am free I can never be put out, but it is time to tame me differently.  Just another battle in my war I will never win, but for some reason I am still breathing, and until I take my last breath of life and give it back to my natural environment, I will NEVER stop FIGHTING because I am a survivor of so much pain, but I have dealt with it alone.

I do not talk because if I do I watch the spark go out in that person’s eyes.  So, define disability to me ‘HOPELESS’ no ‘IGNORANCE’ to me is a disability, hope you can find anywhere.  My disorders are my weak watery heart, fiery brain, and a body and ability to ignite or put out anyone’s flame.  Society and people taught me how to do that PAIN, NEGECT, IGNORANCE, UNRESOURCEFUL, HOPELESS, = WEAKNESS vs STRENGTH.

 

Thursday 5th July 2018

Have to say my opinions have not really changed since writing these words if looked at black and white, but there has been some light shone on these words over the years.  New experiences, understandings and just personal growth have all gave those words more shape.  I still have difficulty with words because people’s eyes, body language, energies and words do not always match, so hard to interpret what the person is trying or not trying, to communicate.  Also, I say words so wrong sometimes verbally and written. which can confuse the heck out of all parties involved if you do not know me, if I’m unprepared or uncomfortable. 

To many people, myself included, are fighting systems because they cause more problems.  Since I am not the only person voicing this maybe we should start focusing on that more.  A starting point would be making them more adaptable, understood, and reachable within realistic timescales.

Something I am beginning to become more aware of and question is, if it Depends where oneself fits on the pecking order, which determines how much insight and knowledge they have, or appear to have.  I wonder what my medical records say about this date or the surrounding dates.  After I have put all my written words to digital and posted enough of the past, that I am aware of.  That will be the next step, adding what other perspectives have been on the days or months I am voicing.

When reading this I concluded what I have wrote some years ago, that it is a one track minded, somewhat ignorant view point, but still accurate in a lot of ways.  What I mean by being so self-aware is that it is impossible to be aware of everything at one time. How we broaden that is down to the individual, so I choose to reflect, whether naturally or forced is always going to be debateable. This is something I have always done for as long as I can remember.  Also, I seem to always be aware of things others are not, but at the same time being blind to others, as those considerate and thoughtful enough to have pointed out to me, in a non-judgemental or prejudice way, have said.

The problem doesn’t seem to be feeling emotions because there I do not believe I have a problem, i can just appear as detached at times. That Is because internally the emotions are starting to overwhelm me somewhat as if I’m drowning with you, but to save myself I must figure out the problem, fix it or break away, if what I’m attached to is the problem. Expressing and understanding, knowing what to do with these emotions seems to be the problem, I appear to lack the abilities in this department

When I talk about using my resources, we all do it, but people are my most valuable as I learn at personal record-breaking speed, through them.  I once got asked what my view on friendships and relationships are.  It was asked in an intense, formal, fish bowl environment, I eventually summed it to the one word I always land on after excessive babbling, that word was ‘pointless’.  Because you can become a point-less or a point-more with any relationship.  Sometimes we give too much of ourselves to others but get nothing but problems back in return.  It’s quite hard finding people that understand and relate to me, so they can become pointless because they end.  I have a few strong friendships and relationships where I do not have to be so self-conscious or have the feeling I am walking on egg shells.

 

In the end I always eventually feel trapped and must do something with my surroundings.  Because I struggle living amongst people and in society at times, I can require more support or help, and it can be hard keeping a consistent income. Unfortunately, that means falling into the comfortable, low poverty or severely poverty-stricken bracket of life.  This seems to be the cycle of my life that I am trying and hoping to change.  That just creates nothing but hassles within my day to day living.

I love to study and have found with the university I attend, working from home as a self-directed learner can have its benefits and pitfalls.  I can’t seem to be among people all the time so finding work or career choice isn’t the easiest, but the university I am with seems to be a brilliantly insightful resource, opening doors and suggesting things I never thought of or even knew were possible.  Maybe finding a career that suits my disabilities and abilities might not end up being as challenging as I had once thought

I’m learning some people just want a rant and do not want to delve into too much depth for whatever reason.  Sometimes I can be the worst person to be around if this is the case, because I’m a problem fixer, relationships sometimes want to be ignorant to problems, but not all the time and that is where I come in to use.  What I am trying to Learn is to not give so much of myself away when it has a somewhat crippling effect on myself.  This is proving challenging, but one I am getting better at and hope to continue to do so in the future

I’ve learnt that mental health and wellbeing is so tangled that even the people hired to help, forget, lose track or become so over worked and distracted they become a part of the problem, instead of a solution.  It went so bad from here onwards, I suppose as I share the story will be unravelled, and I truly am taking others on this journey with me, not only to help myself but to change the way it works.  How we portray words determines how we react.  I am a coward, it’s that thought that brings out the fighter and why I am voicing my words. (demand versus avoidance)