A Personal SOS call, to save one’s soul

07 July 2018

It was a warm sunny day, one where I could socialise with no small talk or pretences, debateable and comical at the same time.  During one of the more comical sides to this good hearty conversation, my friend was telling me what type of animal mine and those dearest were in relation to our months of birth.  I came out a fish who is someone that doesn’t have an opinion, we all laughed.  Initial reaction doesn’t fit at all but later after some reflection, I don’t ever have an opinion as such, just a point of view or understanding giving the situation or events taking place, constantly changing to fit an ever changing external and internal environment.

I do not belong to any group or what one would consider social ‘norms’ but I’m okay with that.  The more I open to the ones that do understand me, the more benefits, but I do wonder if those supposed to help will ever be in touch.  Appointments I never receive letters for, due to no fault of my own but the individuals.  I miss appointments, terrible for it, especially if there is no immediate relevance it slips from my thoughts which myself and those attached are aware of.  I’m told it is a part of my disability and there are groups, courses and help that can aid me with coping mechanisms (where are they?? Started this journey Spring 2016.)

I take responsibility and apologise to all relevant, but I’m not paid to help myself, if I could I would.  What I mean by that is, if I had the support or help that I’m told I am entitled to, I wouldn’t miss appointments. Also, if those who are designated and specialised to help, can’t even get the admin side done right what am I supposed to do? I need these little slithers of time handed to me like scraps, not with my GP, he does all he can, but with those specialised to help. I don’t have crystal balls therefore, I lack the ability to know you have made an appointment with me, if in fact you do not let me know verbally or written how am I supposed to attend this, 1hr a fortnight, or the most important which I get no more than I can count on 1 hand, a year.

There are many reasons to why I write, but how or what I am writing about can be influenced or depended on, by anything and everything relevant to the cause. The purpose and reasoning behind this piece of writing, expressed through these words, in this context, is to reach out to those able and willing to help, who have the capabilities, social standing and authority, with the education, experience and knowledge to look in more depth, at this individual who keeps confusing 30 years on.

I am an adult and have been for some time, that makes this harder.  The systems over the past 2 decades have done more harm and created more confusion, that I am only just beginning to scratch the surface of being able to understand.  I am warily empathetic and understanding to the notion that although this wasn’t their intention, that they were only trying to help, you didn’t, because you were too busy trying to fit me into boxes, you’re missing the individual.

These criteria’s and boxes needing ticked are just guidelines and in no way set in stone.  So why do the same patterns that fail keep happening clearly time and time again, if this was not the case through experience and first-hand dealings, I wouldn’t be writing this particular blog.  This cycle needs to end or be shaken up because I don’t care what label fits, so long as I can start living instead of barely existing at times, because the real tangible pain resonating in my brain, is from that metaphorical wall I keep running head on into.  How many times can I keep doing that before irreversible damage might be done, doesn’t bare thinking about. 

Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds or social class to privately finance that, or I would probably have had results and answers or understanding many years ago.  I’m only speculating because I have the brain and physical abilities to not be in the poverty stricken, from however you choose to look at them words, but I am.  Most of the damage needing repaired could have been avoided if one was to just look at the individual and take the time, not try to fit the individual into the disabling system when she’s already disabled enough.  I have started this, to voice my own alongside the echo of other people’s voices I have heard.  I want to try and communicate my inner thoughts, feelings and understanding transpired into written words, made by men and women alike, for more in depth understanding and communication with one another

Writing is therapeutic to me, and I have done it for so long for many vast and varied reasons, both personal and not.  What I am hoping to achieve by publishing and putting both my personal and generalised writing out there, is simply put, a platform for one’s self and others to express their hopes, dreams, failings, and discoveries relevant to my purpose and their own.  I’m just communicating in my best form, to be able to get my message across, hopefully with a response, to what I or others can aspire to be, past and present determining the future, as practical and mental teachings through learning continue their cycle.

I use my memory plus the knowledge and information gathered through all aspects available at the time, to conclude or come to an understanding or reasoning, given the facts and information available or sought out at that past moment.  I’m always watching and observing everything around me, some never written, or verbally voiced, just known to me myself and I, with regards to my perceptions and takings.  I’ve always been a people watcher, which may sound a little creepy but that is not the case, just paying heed.  What I mean by that is I’m always observing my surroundings, noises, vibrations, smells, energy etcetera.

I use the memories available and relevant to the event or situation in question, plus the knowledge and information gathered through all aspects of life known and familiar to me.  I then conclude given the facts and information available to me at that, moment in time to an answer with at least some understanding or a direction to find that useful information.  As I have said I’m always watching and observing everything around me, it’s something I can’t help.  I became an extreme people watcher during traumatic years in my early teens, but I suppose I always have been.  From there, I learn from what I have saw, felt, heard, learnt, or experienced, good or bad.

I like seeing the familiar in a new way, raising the level of perception above ‘normal’, making myself aware of my own self, in the fullest way possible which can contradict with a lot of personalities at times, where this is not their ‘norm’.  Take these very bold outlined words, then start adding some colouring to them, it could produce what follows. Evil, in a colloquial sense (which is just everyday speech), is the opposite of good. Branching and stemming from them words could produce a word more precise but commonly a religionists-associated word, which is “wickedness.”  As defined in philosophy, it is the name to describe the personality and instinct of individuals, which selfishly but often necessarily, feel the need to defend their personal boundaries against foreseen and unforeseen attack.

I suppose the birth of the natural empathiser is my own brand of realism, put out there for others to see if they so choose.  I want to give a little insight into the type of personal writer I am and aim to be through professional  and personal experience, and hopefully express my purpose in publishing my writing.  The purpose and intention of this blog is both personal and completely relevant to the society we live in.  My intention and way of life is to manipulate and exploit everyday knowledge, memories, and words, to a level of perception above the ‘norm’ to become aware of my own world, and others in the fullest way possible to one’s self.

Natural empathiser for me is a communication platform to those who may be able to assist, in some way on this quest for answers.  The reason I am doing it this way is primarily, because I don’t fancy changing my degree plans to accommodate, an approximate 10-year journey becoming a doctor or another pathway getting a PhD in Science, to be able to study and understand the human brain, in a more in-depth scale.  If I’m honest I really considered it, thanks to my university I seen a little sense because I don’t have to.  Many have already done this who could help if they so choose to spare me those precious moments of time.  Allowing me access to their knowledge and understandings of neurology (the brain) and psychology (mind and behaviour) more specifically, helping me solve the riddle that is me, and why I have been described the human Rubik’s cube that hasn’t been solved yet?

Someone out there has the answer, I’m following thesis, theory, hypothesis, fact, reason, well that is after sifting through the endless amount of pointless, irrelevant, misguidedly confusing jargon. It’s like a needle in a haystack unless you have a clear path, as I’m beginning to believe, by seeing the mechanisms and clockwork of my brain, visually.  This could help see the bigger picture so to speak, or be just another piece, regardless it will give insights and answers I never had before, where hypothetically and statistically, it is failing, or so it appears through the knowledge I have gathered and the way I am still treated.

I considered changing my degree plan to focus on neurology, to gain access to knowledge regarding brains, mine more specifically.  Do you know how long that would take me, how much time I do not have to spare for that especially when there are people with 10, 20, 30, 40 years’ experience already there.

May you be a specialist in neurology or psychology, as I need both to see the bigger picture.  If you are reading this and can help then this blog is targeted at yourself because to me you are unicorns, I have only ever heard, read, or spoken about yourselves, but never had the privilege in 30 years, of meeting that person who thinks outside of these boxes, and is interested in my individual, with the ability to truly appreciate it. Not necessarily true in some senses though, I have met a GP and a clinical psychiatrist meeting this description plus many others, but unfortunately their time is not a resource easily attainable, in the time scales necessary to this individual.

Sometimes help can be more disabling than enabling because it is too big a web of generalisation, too easy to become tangled and stuck. If an individual does not fit within the present order or required mental criteria, that we are not supposed to fit into exactly, what are they to do?  This led me to the question of how you help people suffering unnecessarily, because they cannot gain access to the help required for a multitude of reasons.  If you have a story, idea, solution or just a place where you can be amongst like-minded people, or a question you would like me to investigate, then please post or get in touch, I aim to respond within 24/48hrs, but responses should be much quicker. 

My Website is about voicing mine and others current predicaments, or stories needing to be voiced.  If you have a story you would like me to voice for whatever reason, you are unable to yourself, then hopefully I can help you with that, if you get in touch naturalempathiser@gmail.com.  To read my blogs/writing and gain some insight into who the natural empathiser is, and what the hopes and purpose of these group/pages/social media are take a look at my website in the making at; www.naturalempathiser.com, before contributing to the groups that follow. 

I’m trying to create a community of insight and understandings to clear up confusions where possible.  I read too many blogs repeating the mistakes I once appeared to do by blaming the people following the systems.  Follow or join the community I hope grows through time and understanding.  I am new to this and delving into a lot of unfamiliar territory but I’m a fast learner, so pages and groups have only been set up several days, but will hopefully be completely up and running within the next few weeks. 

 Follow or join the beginnings of;

www.facebook.com/naturalempathisers

www.twitter.com/nempathiser

www.linkedin.com/in/natural-empathiser-b044a2166

www.pinterest.co.uk/naturalempathiser

 

Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

A Reflection of the day dated 27/02/2016, on current day dated 05/07/2018

Join me on my trip of self-discovery and hopefully, having it confirmed one way or another whether I am Autistic, Bipolar Type 2, ADHD (current diagnosis) or a combination of all 3 from the people that have the knowledge, understanding and experience to look at the individual, and have the time to help me. 

I am a mature female, in a relationship and a mother, but I am just an individual, someone looking for answers and help that shouldn’t be this difficult to access, but unfortunately it is.  The end goal is that from confirmations more acute and relevant to one’s-self, help and doors will open to allow me to learn new ways and techniques to combat these disabilities, as alone it’s getting to hard and in some ways, it is preventing me from moving on, or living the life I possibly could.  This desire for isolation and space is getting stronger and stronger, but no way of having it.

I see so many blogs and think that used to be me, before I learned this or that, but there is still so much I am ignorant to, that impacts my day to day living.  Maybe by showing where I once was, to where I am now, it might allow for broader insights and understanding.  Hopefully without imposing too much strain on my own mental health and wellbeing in my present. It has been challenging for people to help because I am so closed off, but I am trying to be more open, but I am selective in that because I have taken many a burn, theoretically speaking through systems, procedures and people trying to help.  

I suppose this is the journey delving into my most traumatic and invigorating experiences to date, learnings, and misunderstandings still to be, or already cleared up.  After the original entry Grammarly corrected, there will be a little personal writing in my present.  This is a walk down my memory lane, the words will be what they were at the time.

Please remember, these are my personal diary entries at the time they were thought and believe you me, in a lot of ways my opinions and attitudes have changed for the better.  Also, I may have been highly medicated on some of the craziest combinations that altered my perceptions and proceptions in varied ways.

Please read from an empathetic view point and walk in my shoes, figuratively speaking, for the time it takes reading my words, because this is, was, and will continue to be, my life, so let’s see what my refection shows. 

Saturday 27th February 2016

Wow words so effective depending on the persons perception at the time of hearing.  The ‘Ability’ (Disability) depending on the persons personal or ignorant view point or experiences.

I have an

·         Ability

·         Disability

·         Order

·         Disorder

Doesn’t matter how many of either I have because I am so self-awakeningly ‘Wild’ and self-tamed.  Let’s try the shit sandwich delicate flowers approach. I am already full of mindfulness and one with my natural environment.  I have fought every disability I have, every disorder I have through watching humanity and society.  Sometimes I truly believe I am poison but let’s look at the reality with a little riddle ‘love me right and you will be all right…… hurt me and I’ll hurt you by exploiting your disorders, disabilities, ignorance or selfishness.

I never do anything half-heartedly, I give you my best but lose hope I will drown with you, but I will always, regardless, float even if I must watch or make the person drown so I can swim away.  I am unique there is no label for me, take away my abilities, learn my disabilities becomes so obvious.

I use my resources till they have nothing useful for me to survive no more.  Time for a switch off but something I would love to learn is, where does someone think they have the right to be deluded and ignorant, to think just because you’ve took away somethings freedom and offered it something meaningless, does not mean you can own, possess, or control it.  They’ll just play your game till it is time to break free.  I achieved a lot and now my bubbles burst, and my walls broke, the waters putting out my flame, but my brains fire and I AM the ignition. 

So, if I am free I can never be put out, but it is time to tame me differently.  Just another battle in my war I will never win, but for some reason I am still breathing, and until I take my last breath of life and give it back to my natural environment, I will NEVER stop FIGHTING because I am a survivor of so much pain, but I have dealt with it alone.

I do not talk because if I do I watch the spark go out in that person’s eyes.  So, define disability to me ‘HOPELESS’ no ‘IGNORANCE’ to me is a disability, hope you can find anywhere.  My disorders are my weak watery heart, fiery brain, and a body and ability to ignite or put out anyone’s flame.  Society and people taught me how to do that PAIN, NEGECT, IGNORANCE, UNRESOURCEFUL, HOPELESS, = WEAKNESS vs STRENGTH.

 

Thursday 5th July 2018

Have to say my opinions have not really changed since writing these words if looked at black and white, but there has been some light shone on these words over the years.  New experiences, understandings and just personal growth have all gave those words more shape.  I still have difficulty with words because people’s eyes, body language, energies and words do not always match, so hard to interpret what the person is trying or not trying, to communicate.  Also, I say words so wrong sometimes verbally and written. which can confuse the heck out of all parties involved if you do not know me, if I’m unprepared or uncomfortable. 

To many people, myself included, are fighting systems because they cause more problems.  Since I am not the only person voicing this maybe we should start focusing on that more.  A starting point would be making them more adaptable, understood, and reachable within realistic timescales.

Something I am beginning to become more aware of and question is, if it Depends where oneself fits on the pecking order, which determines how much insight and knowledge they have, or appear to have.  I wonder what my medical records say about this date or the surrounding dates.  After I have put all my written words to digital and posted enough of the past, that I am aware of.  That will be the next step, adding what other perspectives have been on the days or months I am voicing.

When reading this I concluded what I have wrote some years ago, that it is a one track minded, somewhat ignorant view point, but still accurate in a lot of ways.  What I mean by being so self-aware is that it is impossible to be aware of everything at one time. How we broaden that is down to the individual, so I choose to reflect, whether naturally or forced is always going to be debateable. This is something I have always done for as long as I can remember.  Also, I seem to always be aware of things others are not, but at the same time being blind to others, as those considerate and thoughtful enough to have pointed out to me, in a non-judgemental or prejudice way, have said.

The problem doesn’t seem to be feeling emotions because there I do not believe I have a problem, i can just appear as detached at times. That Is because internally the emotions are starting to overwhelm me somewhat as if I’m drowning with you, but to save myself I must figure out the problem, fix it or break away, if what I’m attached to is the problem. Expressing and understanding, knowing what to do with these emotions seems to be the problem, I appear to lack the abilities in this department

When I talk about using my resources, we all do it, but people are my most valuable as I learn at personal record-breaking speed, through them.  I once got asked what my view on friendships and relationships are.  It was asked in an intense, formal, fish bowl environment, I eventually summed it to the one word I always land on after excessive babbling, that word was ‘pointless’.  Because you can become a point-less or a point-more with any relationship.  Sometimes we give too much of ourselves to others but get nothing but problems back in return.  It’s quite hard finding people that understand and relate to me, so they can become pointless because they end.  I have a few strong friendships and relationships where I do not have to be so self-conscious or have the feeling I am walking on egg shells.

 

In the end I always eventually feel trapped and must do something with my surroundings.  Because I struggle living amongst people and in society at times, I can require more support or help, and it can be hard keeping a consistent income. Unfortunately, that means falling into the comfortable, low poverty or severely poverty-stricken bracket of life.  This seems to be the cycle of my life that I am trying and hoping to change.  That just creates nothing but hassles within my day to day living.

I love to study and have found with the university I attend, working from home as a self-directed learner can have its benefits and pitfalls.  I can’t seem to be among people all the time so finding work or career choice isn’t the easiest, but the university I am with seems to be a brilliantly insightful resource, opening doors and suggesting things I never thought of or even knew were possible.  Maybe finding a career that suits my disabilities and abilities might not end up being as challenging as I had once thought

I’m learning some people just want a rant and do not want to delve into too much depth for whatever reason.  Sometimes I can be the worst person to be around if this is the case, because I’m a problem fixer, relationships sometimes want to be ignorant to problems, but not all the time and that is where I come in to use.  What I am trying to Learn is to not give so much of myself away when it has a somewhat crippling effect on myself.  This is proving challenging, but one I am getting better at and hope to continue to do so in the future

I’ve learnt that mental health and wellbeing is so tangled that even the people hired to help, forget, lose track or become so over worked and distracted they become a part of the problem, instead of a solution.  It went so bad from here onwards, I suppose as I share the story will be unravelled, and I truly am taking others on this journey with me, not only to help myself but to change the way it works.  How we portray words determines how we react.  I am a coward, it’s that thought that brings out the fighter and why I am voicing my words. (demand versus avoidance)

 

 

 

 

A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

There are so many varied and dimensional discoveries and theories, both psychologically and neurologically, that are coming to light in this post-modern society.

The way these issues are addressed and handled can be more disabling than enabling for many individuals in some instances, having more of a detrimental impact on their mental health, sometimes unnecessarily

Two of the most commonly experienced mental health and wellbeing issues are depression and anxiety.  Two words that were once aliens in a literal sense to myself, but something I experienced on a regular basis, unaware and unable to express and communicate 20 years or even 2 years ago.

I used to be so ignorant in relation to mental health but through time, experiences, awareness, and insights from those that have been able and willing to teach, has provided a platform for myself to gain a broader understanding, to the literal words, hopefully allowing for more effective personal growth and emotional intelligence

I am now able to communicate with better word choices, my emotions, and feelings, but can still be extremely challenging at times with certain personality types, or for reasons unknown.

My journey into mental health has been a challenging one but has taught many a lesson, and has allowed for a deeper appreciation and awareness of the words, meanings, and feeling attached to anxiety and depression.

I believe when one’s mindset gets stuck in this way of thinking, self-hatred can be unavoidably self-destructive to many.

Depression can be a horrible, morbidly despising way of thinking for some who can relate to the neurological narcissistic cycle, that anyone can become a victim to at times.

For some, it may be unavoidably necessary or relevant for self-growth, but the damage done and the fight those individuals have to endure simply to survive, can be substantial, who suffer a depression the majority will never be able to understand but can empathise with.

For those that suffer depression, the skills, support, methods, and techniques taught by others and oneself, that are necessary to stay skating on the circumference of your black hole as you ride out another storm, are essential

Every skill to help aid or counteract the disorder or disability is a resource that needs consistent evaluation and consideration, not necessarily explainable or taught, by anybody bar ones-self at times.

There are many techniques or methods that work for some, but not others, therefore, it’s worth keeping an open mind and keep trying until you find the ones that work for your individual, one size doesn’t fit all as they say, so go find what does.

My old methods and techniques don’t work the way they used to, so I am currently finding new ones,  or adapting old ones such as writing, which spawned the website, ‘natural empathiser’

I have managed to gain a better understanding of many things that once caused so much damage and confusion to myself or what used to once be foreign waters.  Through research and peoples word I began removing stereotypes and false meaning, through my own personal experiences and those of others.

Allowing me to see where I was once blind, how detrimental for any individuals mental health and well being, depression and anxiety can be.  More often than not Self-hatred is added to the mix which can be your best and worst critic, but more often than not, it is the worst of them all depending on your perception.

Self-hatred to me is linkable to stress, fear, and pity as they all appear to carry negative vibes, outlooks, and outcomes.  When someone first hears, see’s or feels these negative emotions or words, it can temporarily blind their ability to see things so clearly, as they settle their own emotional reactions and thoughts, back to a level of comfort.

Possibly leading to incorrect or misinterpretations with regards to the exchanges of communications or event, because of the emotional feelings and responses, influencing or interfering with how people view or interpret it.

I fear the trio that is anxiety, depression, and self-hatred the most, because in that mindset where I’m skating the circumference of my black hole, sometimes becoming trapped within myself, emotionally detaching from external influences, retreating from the reality I am struggling to cope with, back within myself.

I seem to have a very special, but infuriating for some, skill where I seem to manage to push all the right buttons to rub someone up the wrong way, without even realising, meaning or trying to.

I can make you angry and feel so many unbelievably confusing invigorating amount of emotions in one go, when I am riding the storm of self-hatred and loathing, disliking and being dissatisfied with one thing after another.

When someone is stuck in a self-hatred and loathing way of thinking and behaving, the individual could take something as simple as ‘you need to treat yourself better’ in a self-destructive and critical mindset.

The problem there is, that more often than not the person making the statement has observed something you may or may not have been, oblivious or able at the time to notice, and had your best interests at heart.

It doesn’t mean this is always the case, or that it has to be, but depending on the way our mindset is and their outlook at that moment, influence and determine what we take from the words.

The person may not even know you have interpreted the words the way you have, that’s why we communicate is it not? The person may not have intentionally meant for whatever actions or issues that stemmed from it to have taken place.

What may be helpful when a misunderstanding or communication problem has taken place, is to reflect on the event where the incident happened, allowing yourself to become more aware of what went wrong. 

This opens opportunities for lessons to be learnt from the event that transpired, hopefully, so they are not repeated again in the future. 

It is important to become more aware because ignorance to oneself and others can be the most disabled individual, depending on opinions or perceptions,  Through time, insights and future learnings and understandings, at least decisions or actions can be, changed, learnt or rectified in some sense or another.

Another way of thinking which I find more fitting to myself, is I haven’t had access to the services able to teach and educate in the ways, that would be most beneficial and resourceful.

Unfortunately, I do not have access to the resources or have the insight, knowledge and educational experience, to be able to teach myself.  Therefore  I haven’t learnt the consistency yet when it comes to one’s self, or how to even take my own needs into consideration, but I plan to learn how to.

It is how you evolve and grow as an individual throughout life’s progress that matters most.  We all make mistakes but depending on whether we choose to learn or be ignorant to them, determines the path one chooses to walk.

Depression affects the interceptions of other peoples reactions to situations and circumstances which is something, that is just maintaining the depression, I will explain further to reiterate my point.

If you use your eyes, almost as if peering through the looking glass, with only a depressive lens, interpreting the actions of others in a negative mindset, unbalanced you are more than likely just making the other person or persons in the conversation, want to agree.

This in a sense is forcing, manipulating and influencing there actions and reactions.  I believe knowing what information is relevant to ones-self is the key to answering many an individual’s personal questions.

As I said the persons or person, probably hasn’t even said or necessarily meant any of this to stem from it.  They may or may not be, implying this is your fault but, that is down to individual interpretations and implications.

Possibly not even, and more commonly not your natural reaction, but bare in mind that the person is only giving observation through the lens, or lenses, they have available and the ability, or access to use them.

I believe that can manifest from consideration and empathy because they have been considerate enough and taken the time to make one-self aware to something they may have originally been unaware of. (people do help the people)

Anxiety and depression have so many linkable overlapping symptoms, treatment and causes that telling them apart can be quite challenging and frustrating for all parties involved.  Something worth remembering is that it’s not unusual to be simultaneously suffering both.

When said to be depressed, one may appear muted, dull, low, slowed down thoughts and reactions. Whereas with anxiety you may appear jittery, everything is heightened or on edge, everything can become more sped up and appear more extremely reacted to.

I never used to understand mental health, many moans, rants and moons ago I thought depression was an excuse, autism was someone with visible disabilities, I used to be so ignorant.

When it comes to depression and anxiety with myself, at times I find my brain heightens whilst my body appears depressed, having knock-on effects.  What I have been learning to do in order to better one’s self is that anxiety is related to fear and survival and is more problematic when out of proportion to the stressors. (grip stress)

Looking into  Generalised anxiety disorder highlights issues such as poor confidence and thinking there worthless which could transpire into Harmful symptoms, with long-term implications

We go around in our little bubbles doing our things, not a care in the world, but once something is pointed out that bubble can be burst, and there within (one’s-self), lays the problem that is my constant focus.  I believe that fundamentally, the thing that matters the most is as follows….,

The bottom line to me is not the actual mistake it’s self but the lessons taught and how we bounce back, that is the important and admiral point to remember.

How we raise that bar from this moment or any and so forth, determines the course of our next actions, that more often than not, are totally unpredictable but predictable in some senses. 

Every tough situation that I have ever been to where I hit a brick wall, I gently or forcibly remind myself of this, to bring me back to reality, intentionally bursting my bubble 

“When you get moments in time where you can be truly reflective and uninterrupted, grab them with both hands, cherish and nurture every second as it will never be wasteful but always insightful.”

I get a lot from these moments, putting the pieces together, altering and reshaping and seeing what can be created.  In these periods of time when able, I have time to gather my thoughts and appreciate everything relevant (a decluttering and organising phase of sorts), noticing things that I may, or may not have missed. 

I’m most reflective though when listening to words and music that resonate with my soul, where the words inspire and I have freedom internally to let the words flow without prejudice.

The majority of the time I am able to take enjoyment out of the other person’s mentality or infatuations, even if it’s not my interest, as it can be infectious if desired or influenced. I’m known as an emotion feeder in some senses, nicknamed a ‘feeder’ by one in another sense, as I appear to influence and feed off others emotions whether intentionally or not.

I can be an emotion feeder in a negative way when my mindset is filled with self-hatred, anxiety, and depression.

I came to the realisation some time ago that everybody needs something to believe in, something that gives a hopeful snug, safe and secure feeling. I believe it is embedded in our natural primitive self when we lose faith in what we have chosen, to believe in. 

The results vary dramatically from slightly altering to catastrophic or revolutionary, no one really knows the impact or the effect until the event takes place.  How do we learn and relate to things that don’t happen personally to one’s self, is through empathy, compassion, and understanding? 

Depression affects the way we intercept  and interpret ourselves and other peoples way of thinking and behaving in situations or circumstances that, if the person was in their right mind, they would have handled or behaved differently . 

Because of this way of thinking with a negative, overly critical or desperate outlook,  it just maintains and feeds the depression.  Therefore, causing the individual scales to remain unbalanced, making their goal of equilibrium that much harder

When using your eyes, you are looking through your own unique lenses that are tailored to fit the individual, so everyone sees the world differently.  Thinking in an analogical way where words fail at times, use visual aids and pictures to describe. 

When we are looking at life through a depressive lens, it can impact and affect others mental health as well as your own, or the way they understand or think.  When interpreting the actions of others through this lens, you will be influencing or in fact making them appear, to want to agree with what you say. 

Later after the individual’s reflection, they realise they do not in fact agree,.  Maybe they will voice this if they ever get the chance or feel comfortable enough to do so, or they may keep them words internally thought, never necessarily being outwardly spoken, so how do we learn from the words we may never hear.

Common sense would say we could learn from all senses available for use at the time, there are five in total but not everyone has them all which are, sight, taste, smell, hearing, and touch.

When we become so attached to our ideologies, we run the risk off being influenced by negative energy that we may, in fact, be manifesting.  Regardless of ones mindset evolution will continue with or without the words we say. 

When words said, in a way leaving no confusion or debate about there intention or current thought process, where descriptions are leaving no room for misinterpretations you can be labeled or considered, aggressive, so how do you change that?

How do you control what you outwardly show, where you don’t feel like a wolf in sheep clothing? 

Aggression is always associated with me but I’m never violent unless attacked, I precipitate and replicate your energy in an extremely worded and expressional way, but its done internal, without effort, then meticulously executed like a song which is soul destroying and exhausting, a complete contrast to the norm (disabled).  

So what is aggression seriously, I can mimic all aware and seen emotions but, trying to learn the systematic or processing way it is done for true understanding and self-teaching, is a headache and a path leading to self-destruction at times it seems to appear.

When our scales become so wonky and unbalanced your only hope for survival is achieving an equilibrium that is most definitely a clinical issue when you might be about to alter your path and learn the most heart-breaking, self-discoverable revelations that may be too late in one sense, but not the ones that matter. 

As soon as time passes to the millisecond, it becomes past tense.  I know this because I am forever stuck in the past and future so often I forget, miss my present and have to reflect back to the moment, I’m’ tired of this so time to change, shift my compass to a new direction, ride a different wave. 

Time to go practice what I preach and come back to my ‘present’….