A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018

With my lack of concentration and focus, I’m struggling writing this, but it will be worse if I only try and verbally communicate. After a conversation with a close relation, hopefully, I can get across what I’m trying to say which is, I need help.

The time reading this will probably give more insight into what is going on, than I could ever possibly imagine verbally communicating.

I am lost, probably depressed, just existing barely bobbing my head above water, no motivation, drive, focus, concentration, somewhat numb with an analytical observant brain.

Continuously trying to process and understand essentially me and everything. Doesn’t make an easy person to be around, and this mood impacts anyone I meet, sometimes completely unaware.

This past 2 year has been a massive journey of learning, self-discovery, awareness, closure, and questions but it has also been like mixing fire with gasoline.

This has been an inevitable journey, one I should probably be thankful I’m still alive to be on, as this 30-year journey has not been an easy one. When I have these appointments, and just in general, the way my brain naturally works is to reflect, process, evaluate, conclude, improve, or move on.

This has been an impossible task this past couple of years, and an exhausting one mentally, and physically.

Ignorance can sometimes be bliss, as my narrow scope of life allowed me a few years back until it was widened.

I need support first and foremost. Over the past few years, I have been dissected mentally like a frog, left with questions, questions, and even more questions. Sometimes they’re answered for me but the majority of the time, I’m left to answer them by myself, but I have nobody to talk to about my answers or the questions I have.

After these questionnaires and questions are done, I go home reflect using logic, fact, memories, and reasoning, processing through all the information which can take days, weeks or more to come to an answer I am content with.

I am left in limbo, mixing everything up and getting confused, which frustratingly just leads to more and more problems, in my day to day living. When things are left in my head, they are reflected on and looked at from every possible angle, linked up with memories, facts and logically concluded to an answer I am happy with.

Bipolar type 2, BPD, mood disorder, stress, anxiety, depression, personality disorder, ADHD, ASD, PTSD, PND the list goes on to what different professionals and people have thought, treated and not treated me for.

This has been a lot to process and analyse over the years, seeing what fits, what doesn’t? What’s a side effect from the meds, what’s not? bringing up memories, setting off little mind mines of feelings and thoughts, that are so intense internally but yet, I seem to be unable to communicate them verbally at times.

Then the conundrum continues because I end up appearing physically robotic, stuck in internal turmoil.

A feeling of entrapment I can’t seem to escape, with a negative or logical viewpoint, appearing dis-attached from one’s reality which in a way I have become, but I think that’s the delusion.

If I’m cooking or running a bath, I forget. If I’m in a conversation it is easy to lose track, as my thoughts are going so fast It can be inhumanly impossible for myself to keep up with, without reflection, which process I am verbally or internally communicating.

Internally my brain is switched on never stopping, dissecting analysing and processing, but day to day tasks, my studies, I cannot concentrate or focus on because as quick as they appear in my brain, is as quick as they have disappeared from my conscious thoughts.

Even writing this has taken hours trying to narrow it down. Realistically I could do with my other half being home but, that financially isn’t an option, so hopefully, we can figure something to try help.

I want to figure out me, what my skills are, what I want to do, what I can’t? Sort my head out and have a chance at some form of a life, instead of just existing. I have no delusion of thinking all these problems can be fixed today, or in the short-term.

What I do know is there will be possible solutions, either through techniques, learning, correctly balanced medication or a combination of them all.  I need those who can help to stop telling me that you can not as that is inaccurate, it also causes me to lose hope which is something, I can not afford to lose.

I also know I need a plan, help, action no more limbo or I’m going to probably get ill again, and I don’t think I have the energy to keep going through this over and over, especially when It isn’t necessary or the same mistakes are getting repeated.

The logical thought process, not a fact, from what I think I’ve learnt so far, which might be relevant if these are my diagnosis’s. ASD wants a plan, ADHD struggles to stick to it, they conflict creating major problems. Fix ADHD problems ASD fix the rest.

(25/06/2018 this didn’t work fully with meds at the time but was enough to flip my brain.  It just made controlling my autistic traits and emotions harder, especially hand movements,)

Behavioural therapy, counseling, help to figure my skills, help to study, help to get a life, I really need someone to talk to about all of this.

Link back to To be a rebel is one who doesn’t fit societies mould of ‘normal’

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by  Alena Koval

Other articles in this section

  1. 1st June 2016; the process of becoming more aware
  2. 17th June 2018; immediate thoughts after taking the Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-revised (RAADS)
  3. 28th April 2018; reflecting back when a bereavement the day before, shut down my ability to communicate
  4. Trip down memory lane March – July 2016 – 08/07/2018
  5. Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

1st June 2016; the process of becoming more aware

1st June 2016

My thoughts have slowed down more with the medication and I can feel myself calming helping me become more aware, whereas before I was ignorant.

This has been a horrific journey with more lows than highs.

Every morning I wake up my thoughts are racing and I try to process what’s going on.  That process is getting a lot easier.  I think I need a mood stabiliser because my mood swings have calmed, but are still affecting me and my family.

I am easily frustrated and irritated still and I feel fragile, I do not have a clue what has made me behave like that, but with help from a lot of sources, I’m beginning to get the better understanding.

At home, I am calmer and easier to be around, anxious for a lot of reasons.  I feel awkward talking to others because half the time, I’m trying not to get anxious over my communication.

My head races and my mouth can’t keep up so my words can become somewhat disorientated, leaving me and the person I am talking to, quite confused.

I hate being alone at night I become anxious as heck, checking and re-checking my windows and doors are locked up.

I’m a leader, not a follower but despite that when I was younger I used to try and be everyone else.  In fact, I spend so much time analyzing and dissecting the person, which can cause negative thought processes for the other person…..

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by  Gratisography

Other Articles in this section

  1. Trip down memory lane March – July 2016 – 08/07/2018
  2. Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

Saturday 1st September 2018; Splitting hairs between emotions and feelings

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

We split hairs between emotion and feeling when we want more understanding, differentiation or depth on a personal or impersonal level.  They are interchangeable because an emotion is a strong feeling.

EQ and EI are both conversions and abbreviated from emotional intelligence.  EQ stands for emotional quotient, EI stands for emotional intelligence.  Put simply Emotional intelligence literates awareness and abilities to manage emotions.

Unfortunately, I lose the ability to do this sometimes as it appears, I haven’t focused a lot of time on this and is a detrimental weakness. I am trying to counteract this and rectify that but it is a lengthy process, that takes time

I fully intend to continue to improve my ’emotional intelligence’,  practice makes perfect as they say!? I always recite if first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again, you will get there in the end, but only if it’s realistic and within your capabilities.

Being able to take a step back, pause and objectively be aware of feelings, both your own and others will make for a more pleasant experience, but is not a skill easily accessible to some.

I refer to it like this as it is not my strongest suit personally. Many times, I’ve been stuck in this position, where conversation feels as pleasant as getting teeth pulled. Where small talk is so challenging you begin hoping, the ground would open up and swallow you up whole.

Another important aspect to emotional intelligence is also being able to reign in and direct emotions. My struggle more acutely is understanding how to express my emotions. I can be quite intense and intimidating at points, so I’ve been told.  I am now more aware, to which I was once ignorant.

In some ways I am brilliant and welcomed, but in others almost shunned and disowned.

I can be over and under aware at the same time of the other personal emotions surrounding me, especially if it doesn’t make sense. Considering emotions can be the most unpredictable and explainable to a certain degree, that’s not a good thing on my part.

When I become confused or uncomfortable I can come across angry or explosively out of control due to body language, energy and tones (which I thinks a little exaggerated). When anyone becomes like this, you can’t think clearly, least not to emotionally stable standards, we cannot make useful effective decisions consistently.

Hopefully I can get better at this with more understanding, knowledge and experience gathered already, possibly not accessed, and in time. If we become overly elated, it can be hard to stay on point.

Being able to recognise and reign in emotions allows for heedlessness, which is the ability to pay better attention. I mentioned before how we can all be guilty of becoming distracted, and not paying attention.

To those attached and in my inner circle, significantly unique in my perception of them, both personally and professionally…….

Your views and opinions matter to me and are held sacred. I am full of emotion, all kinds in every dynamic just like every person.  Where I find difficulty sometimes is expressing or communicating which becomes complicated, I have no problem feeling it.

I’m learning that I’m always sadder or happier especially internally, but over the years and through time I have learnt a lot of visible control, that’s necessarily shackling. It’s extremely challenging unless I let you in to notice, or slip in my control.

I seem to feel things on a deeper level internally, a true chameleon. I just put the mask on and ease the person closest comfort, and put mine on the back burner. It is extremely unhealthy to be honest but with hope and always taking a lesson, I manage.

My weight, mood more presently, and everything really, dropped to levels not felt this consciously aware before, this fight is getting harder. I say this as I had challenging teenage years, to say the least that stemmed into my adolescence.

Wild at heart would be an understatement, and a traumatic time for all my family and not just my history to share. Another story for another time, this is just reflecting on a surface, impenetrable presently, just keep reflecting back, unable to let you through, possibly due to trust.