Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

A Reflection of the day dated 27/02/2016, on current day dated 05/07/2018

Join me on my trip of self-discovery and hopefully, having it confirmed one way or another whether I am Autistic, Bipolar Type 2, ADHD (current diagnosis) or a combination of all 3 from the people that have the knowledge, understanding and experience to look at the individual, and have the time to help me. 

I am a mature female, in a relationship and a mother, but I am just an individual, someone looking for answers and help that shouldn’t be this difficult to access, but unfortunately it is.  The end goal is that from confirmations more acute and relevant to one’s-self, help and doors will open to allow me to learn new ways and techniques to combat these disabilities, as alone it’s getting to hard and in some ways, it is preventing me from moving on, or living the life I possibly could.  This desire for isolation and space is getting stronger and stronger, but no way of having it.

I see so many blogs and think that used to be me, before I learned this or that, but there is still so much I am ignorant to, that impacts my day to day living.  Maybe by showing where I once was, to where I am now, it might allow for broader insights and understanding.  Hopefully without imposing too much strain on my own mental health and wellbeing in my present. It has been challenging for people to help because I am so closed off, but I am trying to be more open, but I am selective in that because I have taken many a burn, theoretically speaking through systems, procedures and people trying to help.  

I suppose this is the journey delving into my most traumatic and invigorating experiences to date, learnings, and misunderstandings still to be, or already cleared up.  After the original entry Grammarly corrected, there will be a little personal writing in my present.  This is a walk down my memory lane, the words will be what they were at the time.

Please remember, these are my personal diary entries at the time they were thought and believe you me, in a lot of ways my opinions and attitudes have changed for the better.  Also, I may have been highly medicated on some of the craziest combinations that altered my perceptions and proceptions in varied ways.

Please read from an empathetic view point and walk in my shoes, figuratively speaking, for the time it takes reading my words, because this is, was, and will continue to be, my life, so let’s see what my refection shows. 

Saturday 27th February 2016

Wow words so effective depending on the persons perception at the time of hearing.  The ‘Ability’ (Disability) depending on the persons personal or ignorant view point or experiences.

I have an

·         Ability

·         Disability

·         Order

·         Disorder

Doesn’t matter how many of either I have because I am so self-awakeningly ‘Wild’ and self-tamed.  Let’s try the shit sandwich delicate flowers approach. I am already full of mindfulness and one with my natural environment.  I have fought every disability I have, every disorder I have through watching humanity and society.  Sometimes I truly believe I am poison but let’s look at the reality with a little riddle ‘love me right and you will be all right…… hurt me and I’ll hurt you by exploiting your disorders, disabilities, ignorance or selfishness.

I never do anything half-heartedly, I give you my best but lose hope I will drown with you, but I will always, regardless, float even if I must watch or make the person drown so I can swim away.  I am unique there is no label for me, take away my abilities, learn my disabilities becomes so obvious.

I use my resources till they have nothing useful for me to survive no more.  Time for a switch off but something I would love to learn is, where does someone think they have the right to be deluded and ignorant, to think just because you’ve took away somethings freedom and offered it something meaningless, does not mean you can own, possess, or control it.  They’ll just play your game till it is time to break free.  I achieved a lot and now my bubbles burst, and my walls broke, the waters putting out my flame, but my brains fire and I AM the ignition. 

So, if I am free I can never be put out, but it is time to tame me differently.  Just another battle in my war I will never win, but for some reason I am still breathing, and until I take my last breath of life and give it back to my natural environment, I will NEVER stop FIGHTING because I am a survivor of so much pain, but I have dealt with it alone.

I do not talk because if I do I watch the spark go out in that person’s eyes.  So, define disability to me ‘HOPELESS’ no ‘IGNORANCE’ to me is a disability, hope you can find anywhere.  My disorders are my weak watery heart, fiery brain, and a body and ability to ignite or put out anyone’s flame.  Society and people taught me how to do that PAIN, NEGECT, IGNORANCE, UNRESOURCEFUL, HOPELESS, = WEAKNESS vs STRENGTH.

 

Thursday 5th July 2018

Have to say my opinions have not really changed since writing these words if looked at black and white, but there has been some light shone on these words over the years.  New experiences, understandings and just personal growth have all gave those words more shape.  I still have difficulty with words because people’s eyes, body language, energies and words do not always match, so hard to interpret what the person is trying or not trying, to communicate.  Also, I say words so wrong sometimes verbally and written. which can confuse the heck out of all parties involved if you do not know me, if I’m unprepared or uncomfortable. 

To many people, myself included, are fighting systems because they cause more problems.  Since I am not the only person voicing this maybe we should start focusing on that more.  A starting point would be making them more adaptable, understood, and reachable within realistic timescales.

Something I am beginning to become more aware of and question is, if it Depends where oneself fits on the pecking order, which determines how much insight and knowledge they have, or appear to have.  I wonder what my medical records say about this date or the surrounding dates.  After I have put all my written words to digital and posted enough of the past, that I am aware of.  That will be the next step, adding what other perspectives have been on the days or months I am voicing.

When reading this I concluded what I have wrote some years ago, that it is a one track minded, somewhat ignorant view point, but still accurate in a lot of ways.  What I mean by being so self-aware is that it is impossible to be aware of everything at one time. How we broaden that is down to the individual, so I choose to reflect, whether naturally or forced is always going to be debateable. This is something I have always done for as long as I can remember.  Also, I seem to always be aware of things others are not, but at the same time being blind to others, as those considerate and thoughtful enough to have pointed out to me, in a non-judgemental or prejudice way, have said.

The problem doesn’t seem to be feeling emotions because there I do not believe I have a problem, i can just appear as detached at times. That Is because internally the emotions are starting to overwhelm me somewhat as if I’m drowning with you, but to save myself I must figure out the problem, fix it or break away, if what I’m attached to is the problem. Expressing and understanding, knowing what to do with these emotions seems to be the problem, I appear to lack the abilities in this department

When I talk about using my resources, we all do it, but people are my most valuable as I learn at personal record-breaking speed, through them.  I once got asked what my view on friendships and relationships are.  It was asked in an intense, formal, fish bowl environment, I eventually summed it to the one word I always land on after excessive babbling, that word was ‘pointless’.  Because you can become a point-less or a point-more with any relationship.  Sometimes we give too much of ourselves to others but get nothing but problems back in return.  It’s quite hard finding people that understand and relate to me, so they can become pointless because they end.  I have a few strong friendships and relationships where I do not have to be so self-conscious or have the feeling I am walking on egg shells.

 

In the end I always eventually feel trapped and must do something with my surroundings.  Because I struggle living amongst people and in society at times, I can require more support or help, and it can be hard keeping a consistent income. Unfortunately, that means falling into the comfortable, low poverty or severely poverty-stricken bracket of life.  This seems to be the cycle of my life that I am trying and hoping to change.  That just creates nothing but hassles within my day to day living.

I love to study and have found with the university I attend, working from home as a self-directed learner can have its benefits and pitfalls.  I can’t seem to be among people all the time so finding work or career choice isn’t the easiest, but the university I am with seems to be a brilliantly insightful resource, opening doors and suggesting things I never thought of or even knew were possible.  Maybe finding a career that suits my disabilities and abilities might not end up being as challenging as I had once thought

I’m learning some people just want a rant and do not want to delve into too much depth for whatever reason.  Sometimes I can be the worst person to be around if this is the case, because I’m a problem fixer, relationships sometimes want to be ignorant to problems, but not all the time and that is where I come in to use.  What I am trying to Learn is to not give so much of myself away when it has a somewhat crippling effect on myself.  This is proving challenging, but one I am getting better at and hope to continue to do so in the future

I’ve learnt that mental health and wellbeing is so tangled that even the people hired to help, forget, lose track or become so over worked and distracted they become a part of the problem, instead of a solution.  It went so bad from here onwards, I suppose as I share the story will be unravelled, and I truly am taking others on this journey with me, not only to help myself but to change the way it works.  How we portray words determines how we react.  I am a coward, it’s that thought that brings out the fighter and why I am voicing my words. (demand versus avoidance)

 

 

 

 

Tuesday 3rd July 2018: When you put your trust in someone or something, in an intimate way

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

We all get the meanings to words wrong, express our tones unnecessarily, and say the wrong thing. I hear something that is preached continuously, but often ignored intentionally or not….

‘Don’t take everything you see, at face value’

I had to find out what an “intimate relationship” was when doing an autistic screening questionnaire. I never understood the true intent or intentions of the question as there is so many dimensions, and perspectives to the word intimate.

I now know I answered the question wrong, therefore giving inaccurate results unintentionally, as I had to answer something I did not understand due to the wording.

An intimate relationship is supposed to be a companionship of such, an attachment to many things or people. How this is usually interpreted when being asked that question varies depending on the individuals understanding or meaning to the words, sequenced together in the question.

Sometimes their asking in the wrong way, if you are having sexual intercourse or being sexually intimate, that is just some of the ways to begin stemming off from the word intimate, just a more politely avoidant way of asking.

Intimate relationship is often used when describing an interpersonal relationship, based strictly on the intimate relation of sex, no strings attached. Was going to say like friends with benefits, but that doesn’t seem to fit.  ‘Friends’ would be the string that has the benefits, but also is the word that means intimate

When looked at in this angle, you may or may not be, in a relationship with a sexual narcissist with a mis-perceived or pre-conceived conception between intimacy and sex, in a relationship.

Never thought of it in that sense until recently, but another interpretation is you might not be ready or want commitment so avoid the stress, of having to.  Although I do think the ASD test meant long lasting intimate relationships not based strictly on sex.  This is commonly a miss conceived perception to the word intimate.

Sex is not the be all and end all to how one feels or, is intimate within a relationship. In fact I strongly influence you pay heed to these words ‘you do not have sex with all your intimate relationships’. So easy to word or say things wrong when words can be interpreted far to versatile.

I believe it’s the actions outside that area that influence the intensity, and influence the intimacy people are able to achieve in all relationships.  I say this because the definition of intimacy is a familiarity or friendship and some synonyms linked to the word are closeness, rapport, attachment.

How you relate can depend on how narrow a scope you have boxed your way of thinking into, either through negligence, circumstance or choice.  Think of it this way, you can even have an intimate relationship with a subject or hobby such as fishing or football!!!?

By truly enjoying this version of life regardless of understanding, words, belief, cultural or anything really, we can then truly be free to be masters of our own mind. We are all products of nature, evolution, god’s children…… whatever words fit your individualism. We are all humanity at its finest, it is what we make it.

So, for me, giving up on humanity would be like, giving up on the people, I am, attached to and Love ‘unconditionally’ – to any variations and definition on the word love.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

The Peoples empathiser

My first blog is about understanding and sharing the feelings of one another, find out more at www.naturalempathiser.com

‘How a person interprets words depends on many factors to name but a few…. There natural, and unnatural environment, circumstances on which it is heard, the emotional meaning or message portrayed in projecting the words, all influence how we act, think or behave.

May it be tone, style, word choices, body language, personal circumstances, past experiences or current knowledge, the list can go on and on. The point I am making is words are pointless if they confuse, misguide, hurt, or destroy what they were never meant to.

If you don’t understand, give your full attention and truly listen to what’s being said, to imply or interpret the words heard in a way that is not meant, how can you understand, how can anyone help….

Sum it up, you rebel or obey against a fight that will never be eliminated, just changed from minority to majority which is, awareness versus Ignorance.

Once upon a time, I lacked self-awareness becoming stuck in concrete thinking, being overly descriptive and disabling to the point I became, an unskilled communicator.  I continuously, whether consciously or not, kept choosing ignorance over awareness which was causing irritable intolerances, impulsiveness, and reactive tendencies.

I went against my natural nature repeatedly becoming a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am always in a constant search for answers, and most importantly hope, it’s what keeps me breathing in one sense.

I am a 30-year-old mother of two, in a long-term relationship who is currently diagnosed ADHD (labels always change), and a suspected autistic female awaiting specialist help and analysis.

Unfortunately, my “disabilities” are invisible so to speak, unless I’m malfunctioning, then physically it’s crystal clear although I do not have any obvious physical distortions.

I have been on one heck of a rollercoaster journey these past few years, and it has been a traumatically invigorating eye opener.

It has been well documented through journals and first-hand experience, especially regarding what it is like being a patient under current NHS standard procedures and protocols where I have met many a diamond in the rough my action man (CPN) being one.

In my opinion things have changed  but not enough since my teens, same mistakes still getting repeated or conclusions drawn. (to many words needed for my first blog, many stories for many other day’s)

This experience and not my disabilities, has nearly ended my journey repeatedly, there are lots of side effects to the uncommon/common meds coinciding with a lack of consistent, reliable or assured care, alongside negative intentional and unintentional influences.

Unfortunately, ADHD and ASD specialists are almost, if not rarer to find than my personality behavioural traits, on the NHS.  Then add the fact I’m female and an adult you end up with a major conflicting and contradicting problem.

Sometimes help can be disabling and systems soul destroying without intention, not always the case when you don’t give up or stumble upon diamonds in the rough, that stop you from wanting to.   It can be hard to accept for myself and my family when our cries for help are answered with….

‘We can’t help you at the moment’

I am someone that doesn’t fit within this society, or so it would appear if every human being thought rigidly or believed word for word everything they were told.

The harder I try, the more confusing and tangled it can become at times until I unravel and solve the puzzle.  I love problem-solving if it’s within my interests or capabilities, my niche as those closest says, seems to be people problem-solving.

My goal and new-found purpose in life, (the reason a technological goof is becoming a blogger), simply put, is to spread awareness.  I can excel at following the breadcrumb trail and my focus is always on finding answers, just depends what I am focusing on.

I Particularly enjoy theme writing and reflective writing, stuff that requires me to gather lots of information, sift through it finding the useful and concluding understandable answers, given the information available.

I like delving into the unknown, manipulating and questioning conventional ways of thinking that are disabling or problematic, closure and understanding keep me content.

My confidence and self-esteem has taken some bashing over the years but if I don’t speak out and tell my story, how can it change?  How do I, or anybody else in similar or completely different circumstances, gain access to the help we need, that is effectively useful in a society so tangled.

If I open up, maybe, just maybe, so might someone else and together who knows, but alone that can become pointless.

My hope and ideology is by doing this, more people will be able to relate or at the very least truly feel free to reflect and express their views, opinions, understandings and misunderstandings, just scratching below the surface begging to be brought to life, and understood in the way that matters to the individual.

That’s the fantasy I suppose but it is one that I do hope to achieve in reality to whatever extent possible, suppose becoming a blogger is the first stepping stone to delve into something unpredictable with the potential to be something beautiful.

Simply put, just a deeper understanding of individuals and everything in between to some extent or another.  To achieve this, firstly I have to put my words out there for others to read and respond to, which leads me to an epic moment in my life.

I have put the final full stop, at the end of the final chapter paragraph, and closed the cover, placing it on the shelf, clearing space to begin a new book, a blogger it appears!! The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished.

I have been a closed book for so long when it was finally opened it was like opening Pandora’s box.

I had to learn a lot just to survive, now I’m in control of my book, writing my perspective through my own words and findings, my story is open for all to see, in the widest possible sense that I am capable of, Vulnerable versus invulnerable thanks to myself and those who never gave up.

Naturally, I question everything to gain tolerance and understanding, by thinking dynamically in all aware perspectives, in an analytical and diplomatic way.

Where I am struggling is finding the balance between being more openly approachable versus being awkwardly reserved. This seems to be a blind spot where I intend to shed some light.

I have spent so much time analysing and trying to learn to communicate to all that, I didn’t even realise I already am a skilled communicator.  My niche is written communication, literacy, relevant words for basic survival and existence with reflection.

Words are used to create understanding and shape, so I want to express what I am incapable of at times, expressing verbally.  I will communicate in written language my way, hopefully untangling confusion and broadening understanding in my own unique way.

A place I can truly be me with very limited restrictions, to express one’s self in a creative freedom of speech kind of way.  (hopefully without standing on any, or too many toes.)  Inviting others to share their words or find use out of mine…….. awareness versus ignorance in every sense, not just stigma

Source of writing – www.naturalempathiser.com

Further Reading categories

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser