Trip down memory lane March – July 2016 – 08/07/2018

“Every action good or bad, has a repercussion that impacts something or someone, a chain reaction negative or positive.”

How does one begin telling their story, ultimate question that has been continuously on a never-ending loop in my head, forcing me to a decision? My story is a complex headache…. Not my words, the words of one professional opinion some years ago. I started writing my version of my bible when I was 28 years old, so I think I should start by sharing one of the first full consistent pieces of writing I was able to do, when I lost the ability to communicate verbally and written.  This was one of the most scariest moments in my life and my families to date, followed by a more recent one 2 years later.  I have also included a piece of writing after an appointment with a clinical psychiatrist,

My words are brutally  honest at times as things only go wrong when I mince them.  They are just my perspectives and insights into a world, at that moment. A world that becomes more confusing and complicated every day, what’s acceptable today may not be tomorrow, and what once was acceptable and learnt may now, not be. I struggle every day, fighting like everyone else to breathe, my journey just has more obstacles shone on in a different light, reflected back to you in the words I only know. Some people can do this naturally, a skill I admire and wish I could hurry and learn.

Sometimes my efforts feel pointless, then those I’m attached remind me I’m a survivor, just like you. Take one of my favourites I learnt through a course I studied, taken from morgens metaphors (not had the privilege delving into his story yet), the be like a living organism metaphor, which in essence means constantly evolving to the change around you. Not just relevant to business but everyday life for the entire human race in a society encouraging difference, diversity and dynamics you need to be open and susceptible to change

Back in Spring 2016 a lot of events contributed to one of the most traumatic episodes of my life to date, a major contributor to the already stacking up PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) traits, until I began learning a lot about many varied things I once was oblivious to. The difficulty in learning how to manipulate myself to handle the changes that seem to occur internally, an on-going journey of discoveries, is a detrimentally challenging one, at times.

Whatever happened in 2016 was an extreme vortex of emotions, a meltdown of all meltdowns where all levels of communication were unattainable, so I gave up even trying at points welcoming the black hole because it was easier than my reality. Whenever I did try and communicate it was never precipitated or received in the way it was intended, becoming pointless, when I did communicate everything was magnified worse in extreme ways. The loss in control was triggered by events well and truly out of one’s control, there is truth in the saying you can’t run from your past.

After an intensely surreal experience with a clinical psychiatrist, I was asked to keep a journal. I explained, in probably the worst verbal dialect, my sensory senses were through the roof, I had lost the ability to write and I truly had at the time, but because of this request I began writing and drawing again, if you can call it that. It was chaotic but understandable to me, titled ‘my bible’ to make it symbolically significant to me, started March 2016.

As I’m reflecting on these moments I’m going to write about them, as my bible was a go to whenever the thoughts in my head became too much and needed an out let, almost like a personal religion that brought comfort and hope. I was that far in the depths of my black hole, not just skating along the circumference, that too many times my body nearly gave up, mind, body and soul were not one. I think the clinical psychiatrist glanced at it when I took it in months late, her comments were along the lines of ‘good reflection, as tangled as my present’, and closed the book. That is the only time she set eyes on it, no one else appeared to be interested in the words written

I began writing in Spring 2016, quite symbolic, time of growth, new life, evolving with good old mother nature, a time of year the world becomes brighter and new life begins, another looped cycle of life. Personally, my favourite season is Autumn, but writing seems at its best and most reflective and useful in spring. Each diary entry reflection will have the date it was done and follow that pattern, so my blogs will be the dates I reflected on the writings. There’s a quote from a piece of writing that I once wrote that I want you to remember as you read the insights given into my life.

‘How a person interprets words depends on many factors to name but a few…. Their natural and unnatural environment, circumstances on which its heard, the emotional meaning, or message portrayed in projecting the word, may it be tone, style, word choices, body language, personal circumstances, past experiences, current knowledge…… The list can go on and on, but the point is words are pointless if they confuse, misguide, hurt, destroy……if you don’t understand, if you don’t give your full attention and truly listen to what’s been said, to imply and interpret the words heard in a way that is not meant……then how can you understand, how can anyone help…. Sum it up you REBEL or OBEY against a fight that will never be eliminated just changed from minority to majority is awareness vs Ignorance.’

What I hope to achieve is help, for all individuals needing it, and together we can gain better insight into individuality. By understanding and preventing stigmas, that these labels are in no way concrete they are a way to generalised through a lot of research, time, and experience. It is a way to place information into categories and sub categories that are easier and easier to understand and communicate to all levels of society.  This first week of July 2016 entries seem to be reflecting on the entries written so far, so I’m going to include them here in the order and date they were written.

My diary entries are to follow, 3 are about the sections named above as I reflect over what has been written into them in the months leading up to the entries.  I thought I would also include a Diary entry from March 2016 and an entry written after a psychiatrists appointment. My diary entries are to follow, 3 are about the sections named above as I reflect over what has been written into them in the months leading up to the entries.  I thought I would also include a Diary entry from March 2016 and an entry written after a psychiatrists appointment.

23/03/2016 An attempt at writing again

10:37am – 11:15am

Concentration is border lining on impossible now.  Quetiapine in one sense has helped but it’s like it’s blocking half my brain and is pulling me further and further into darkness.  I feel so low and just want to cry my heart out.  I’m losing hope, every day I must be conscious with my word choices and actions but right now my scales are so unbalanced, body, brain and mouth just won’t work together.  This is the first time in months I have been able to put pen to paper.  I have battled more than half my life with this ‘illness’ but my old coping mechanisms have no relevance in my life just now.  If I lose concentration for just 1 second, my train of thought just disappears and I’m unable to remember what was happening.  I have not felt this out of control since I was 11-12ish when I took my over dose, my mums eyes will always haunt me.  The difference this time is I am an adult and I have managed to raise 2 amazing children and I will never commit suicide.  I am not that selfish or cowardly (words are harsh but necessary at the time) as I once was in my deluded narrow outlook on life or flip that when I gave up on humanity.  I try my 100% best everyday just to co-exist and I’m sick and tired of it.  Mental health has changed so much but not nearly enough.  I have never been an open book, learnt that at a young age with a punch in the face, or simply allowing others their own perception whilst with-holding mine (was easier that way).  So, since the age of 8 I have created masks for every dimension of this ‘illness’ and blocked my traumas.  But there are so many triggers now.  Nobodies wiped my arse for me since I was 12, I was viciously bullied or misunderstood, creating problem after problem not understanding the consequences of my actions. My behaviour was so out of control, I’d come home it was like being interrogated.  Nobody has ever been able to understand so I started running away and then my parents were put between a rock and a hard place, and I ended up in the system and even they didn’t help just a whole new bunch of traumatic events.  I spent most of my time living on the streets, up or under trees, cornfields etc. Help was never available in any way that was of use, and I just became so numb and that is exactly how I am starting to feel again.  All I do is survive I want to start living again.  I’m naturally a reflective learner but I can feel myself putting my walls up.  All the wrong meds this last year has put all my scars + pain + trauma out in the open this stops now

PLAN

Take my mood stabiliser despite my fears

Try to stay in my present and take one day at a time

Accept the fact now I’m not taking very good care of myself

12/04/2016 Personality and ‘my bible’ explained

I’m going to start with one-word Personality which in turn creates a character. Is it the end or the start of a new thought process, beginning of a new sentence? Or the end of the previous? Well in this case the final full stop at the end of this sentence indicates a temporary break until I ponder over the words PERSONALITY

A personality is a person’s individuality and quirky character ,that defines the person’s identity therefore defining their personality. By altering the thought process, I have come to an understanding. I started with one-word personality which is a bold word which in favour should have an ending which for me, is ERASED

What I did today was get up, get dressed, went shopping and came home. After a meal, i wrote in this book with a new pen and some new paper, now let’s see if I can work out how we clean up my messy tangled Personality, with (A) start + (B) Tangle = (C) End / (A) past (b) present = (C) future

This was the structure to the writings placed inside my ‘bible’

  • My green section of my bible – Black and white (logical)
  • Pink section – Black/White/Grey (Summary)
  • The turquoise section – Black (Forma) (data) (Tasks)
  • Blue section – Multi coloured (tangle)

 

4/07/2016 Pink section reflection so far

Yet again I seem to be at a loss for words. I have started with this section because it is one of the easiest. In this section it is obvious my moods are reflected in my writing. There is a lot of spelling mistakes, Grammar, different writing and wrong words but oh my that was hard. I told my Crisis Nurse once…. Sorry lost my thought process. Reading through, oh wait I remember what I was thinking. I told my Crisis nurse I always have a blind spot, where I’m not aware and was quite surprised at the things I’d wrote, that I have put to the back of my mind. So much has gone on but the best thing I have ever done was forcing myself to write and get back something that is my safety blanket. I thought I was writing for the sake of it, couldn’t be further from the truth. A lot of what Is written here are things that I was not capable of communicating for whatever reason and probably might never be. But to read it back has made me feel a sense of pride in myself and my family for being able to handle all that has happened. It was like therapy in a sense but was always so scared to read. This section is mild, the blue is the worst so easing myself into that one. I was in a really bad place and I’m lucky I’m alive yet again, but how many times can you cheat death, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. We’ve all came along way, my other half, Welfare and Housing officers, Crisis/CPN, Clinical psychiatrist, GP and friends have all helped to get me out of the dangerous, self-destructive place I was in. I will always be grateful and thankful for all their help and I’m glad I get to read and reflect, give myself time to pause on everything that has happened

05/07/2016 Green Section reflections so far

From reading this section, I can see more detail has been put. At the start of each section there was a labelling system of writing, but as things spiralled more and more out of control, I just started writing anywhere. Some bits are quite unsettling to read because my head was in a scary place, but writing about them was a brilliant idea, as reading through these has given me a clearer perception. I find it strange that my writing even reflects what is going on inside my head. The weight on my shoulders doesn’t feel so heavy. I have had a hard time trying to get better, but my moods are still quite uncontrolled. I take 600mg quetiapine a day, divided in to 3x daily to slow my brain down, 3 of what I call pixy Trixie’s to try handle the side effects from the quetiapine and 100mg Lamotrigine a day plus 7.5mg zopiclone to help with sleep. I rely a lot on meds at the moment just to live in my circumstances, I know how reliant I am on them because if I miss a dose my head just goes off on one. Can also tell by the way I talk, and act becomes apparent, others notice this and make me aware of this, so I take them. Seen my last bit of writing saying I burned down my first house but it was unfinished, so I will elaborate, I set it on fire so that I didn’t have to live there no more, I was young lost and confused. I’m surprised by my writing and how much I have been able to write. I have started a separate book for writing about my past, and only my past inside this book, written in a general journal where my writing requires no restrictions. The last entry in this section is dated May 20th 2016, so haven’t been writing in this section

04/07/2016 Blue Section reflections part 1

Oh my, haven’t even begun reading what’s still attached in this book. I remember ripping out a few pages I’d wrote a little while ago. These words were my first attempt at writings at the start  It really is like the ramblings of a crazy person, my heads all over the bloody place. Confused mostly of communication, trying to get the right words to explain because I was saying all the wrong words and confusing everyone, these writings are from the 15th April, 2 weeks after hospital, in fact the first is dated 14th April but things had already started going unbalanced back in the year my son was born. When you read this and in my case, it just takes me back to an extremely embarrassing cringe stage which is upsetting and unsettling to read about. Just had to put this point down as was my thoughts on reading those loose bits of paper. The tangle in my brain where I have managed to draw and word on paper some of the stuff that was tangled but wow I really don’t know what else to say, just wow……

05/07/2016 Blue section reflections so far part 2

Just finished reading the last bits of the blue section. Clearly my moods have been more negative than positive. I need to remember where I was and where I am now. I have managed to reach a level of stability in some respects when it comes to my emotions. Reading this has put me in a place where even I must be proud of the fact, that together with my family, have managed to pull me out of one of the darkest and most lost places I have ever seen. Today is my appointment with my clinical psychiatrist and I’m never sure what  to expect, because you only get a small amount of time with her then it’s over, months before you get to see her again.

06/07/2016 reflections after psychiatrist appointment

I had a better appointment today with my clinical psychiatrist, but it was intense. I struggled communicating at some points but overall it was a lot better. My lamotrigine I’ve learnt is a mood stabiliser. Since taking that it really helped prevent me from hitting the lows I was in, that could last for months. Before November which is my next appointment with my clinical psychiatrist I want to of filled this book, but I also want to finish the book I started where I only write about my past. Was glad to see that my writing was starting to improve, was noticeable when I began to read it. I know I am in a better place than I was before, and I really like my clinical psychiatrists because she is a thorough person when looking into what my condition is. I’m going to work on relaxing and reducing my stress levels. My past may be messy and messed up, but my present has barely any issues, that’s probably why my struggles and behaviours became more apparent, they were out of my realm of the ‘norm’. The level of quetiapine I must take is high, I’m wondering if I should begin reducing them down in the future when my body has adjusted, to the increase in the lamotrigine. My clinical psychiatrist hopefully, will now know roughly how or what the right way is to help me recover from everything that has happened. Trying to find positives about myself is something that I have always struggled with. I live a quiet life, the only issues I seem to have is from an ex that is not even mine. I could not predict, understand or control the actions of others or the outcome, because it was that insane with no logical or rationality, full of nothing but emotions. It was a really scary place so how I reacted was affected and influenced by my moods and having to stop all the meds I was taking. My anxiety was extremely high, to be honest I probably should have admitted myself into hospital the year before. I don’t blame anyone for my actions I take responsibility. With the help of CMHT (community mental health team) and the people closest to me I’m hoping I can bring back my confidence and like myself. People always seem to initially attract towards me because I am different, but eventually they will back off. I have great insight in people, but nobody likes their flaws out in the open. I have a bad habit of analysing people and trying to figure out why they are the way that they are. These types of people are not a constant and cannot usually handle constructive or a criticism of any type. I can find that hard myself especially when I was really depressed, in a way I probably use them as they are the type of people that want company from everyone and it’s quite clear they are never going to change their ways for the better. Right now, is quite challenging because I have a lot of past issues and traumas to work on. I can feel myself constantly putting up walls but at the same time more are getting knocked down. This is not going to be an easy journey but through all this I will have a better quality of life possibly, and that is worth its weight in gold, baby steps.

Writing is extremely useful as once you read it back it takes you through a period in your life that you can reflect on and get a better perspective of what’s been going on. I’ve been thinking a lot about my conversation with my clinical psychiatrist. It was so intense, and my brain raced a lot so got a little more tangled with my communication. I feel sluggish today, not too much energy but that’s just a little off, and by saying that I mean different, not myself, at times I question who I am, but I know I’m still here

A lot of issue highlighted are still the same and what I was told could help has never happened, yet again holds merit to that saying ‘don’t believe everything you hear or see.’  I’m going to end here and start this off another day from more entries from this particular journal.  Thanks for reading.

Tuesday 3rd July 2018: When you put your trust in someone or something, in an intimate way

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

We all get the meanings to words wrong, express our tones unnecessarily, and say the wrong thing. I hear something that is preached continuously, but often ignored intentionally or not….

‘Don’t take everything you see, at face value’

I had to find out what an “intimate relationship” was when doing an autistic screening questionnaire. I never understood the true intent or intentions of the question as there is so many dimensions, and perspectives to the word intimate.

I now know I answered the question wrong, therefore giving inaccurate results unintentionally, as I had to answer something I did not understand due to the wording.

An intimate relationship is supposed to be a companionship of such, an attachment to many things or people. How this is usually interpreted when being asked that question varies depending on the individuals understanding or meaning to the words, sequenced together in the question.

Sometimes their asking in the wrong way, if you are having sexual intercourse or being sexually intimate, that is just some of the ways to begin stemming off from the word intimate, just a more politely avoidant way of asking.

Intimate relationship is often used when describing an interpersonal relationship, based strictly on the intimate relation of sex, no strings attached. Was going to say like friends with benefits, but that doesn’t seem to fit.  ‘Friends’ would be the string that has the benefits, but also is the word that means intimate

When looked at in this angle, you may or may not be, in a relationship with a sexual narcissist with a mis-perceived or pre-conceived conception between intimacy and sex, in a relationship.

Never thought of it in that sense until recently, but another interpretation is you might not be ready or want commitment so avoid the stress, of having to.  Although I do think the ASD test meant long lasting intimate relationships not based strictly on sex.  This is commonly a miss conceived perception to the word intimate.

Sex is not the be all and end all to how one feels or, is intimate within a relationship. In fact I strongly influence you pay heed to these words ‘you do not have sex with all your intimate relationships’. So easy to word or say things wrong when words can be interpreted far to versatile.

I believe it’s the actions outside that area that influence the intensity, and influence the intimacy people are able to achieve in all relationships.  I say this because the definition of intimacy is a familiarity or friendship and some synonyms linked to the word are closeness, rapport, attachment.

How you relate can depend on how narrow a scope you have boxed your way of thinking into, either through negligence, circumstance or choice.  Think of it this way, you can even have an intimate relationship with a subject or hobby such as fishing or football!!!?

By truly enjoying this version of life regardless of understanding, words, belief, cultural or anything really, we can then truly be free to be masters of our own mind. We are all products of nature, evolution, god’s children…… whatever words fit your individualism. We are all humanity at its finest, it is what we make it.

So, for me, giving up on humanity would be like, giving up on the people, I am, attached to and Love ‘unconditionally’ – to any variations and definition on the word love.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Reflecting on life through the spectrum that is natures floating mountains

I have always given the impression I rebel against the label, or so I have been led to believe, which is not entirely true. I just want more of an accurate or closer fitting one, given as wide a scope of the situation as possible for all parties involved or relevant to this exchange of information. This has led me down a very long complicated path with mental health, which at this present moment, seems to be more focused and orientated around Autism and ADHD.

I now search for answers to questions such as where on the spectrum do I fit? What do the 4 categories results of the RAADS actually mean or tell ones-self and others? When do I start following the cookie trails in my medical records, or should I even do that? I can tell statistically and through research that this genre of writing seems to be needed, therefore I will continue to write what I discover on this journey, for all those interested, as I’m tired of hitting a brick wall due to time restraints, my disabilities or disorders, and my gender.

My way of processing data seems to be, naturally categorise everything, for deeper analysis and understanding. Knowing what is relevant and irrelevant is a complicated process all humanity relates to and stumbles upon daily.  They deal and react given there own unique coping mechanisms and abilities, accessible and relevant to the situation.  I appear to put labels/categories on everything to help me remember and to put relevance, where there was possibly none, depending on where they fit in my head given that days abilities.

“There is definitely things I will never be able to do, but, I can learn new abilities to contradict the disabilities, where possible.  I try to achieve this by creating better order, where I once may have been disorderly, to the best of my capabilities”

The overall score for yours truly was 171 on the RAADS diagnostic test, I’m a 30-year-old female, in a long-term relationship, alongside being a mother to a preschool boy and a tween girl who given my knowledge and understanding meet autistic thresholds for Autism.  I will retake soon and see what the results are.  When I understand more of the words within the question, its relevance and what the results tell, or give insight into, for the clinician or those relevant, yourself included, I’ll post an article.

This piece of writing was spawned through the word reflect (naturally or methodically taught and embedded into my core foundation), based on a mirror image. I will shed more light as you progress through the readings of my words.  This image I’m describing is often captured through humanistic lenses in ways that can be originally innovative. Somewhat like Pandora’s box, visually brought to life in all dimensions currently possible, revealing a jaw-dropping, eyepopping intuitive world, where the mountains float above us (featured image).  Just like the blockbuster, I take great pleasure and insight inspired or provided by, the deep depths of nature and life.

To me the real dimensionally innovative shapes, entice and manipulate empathy and understanding into odds, allowing us some insight into whether the scales tip in favour or not.  Humanity and mother nature are forever interlocked in a constant battle for and against, whichever the majority or universe decides.  By being resourcefully equipped and able to, manipulate the waves of positivity and negativity you at least have better odds in your favour.

I believe this is essential to regain focus on what truly matters, in an ongoing balancing act of personal awareness and self-growth, that is interchangeably entwined and governed by mother nature and humanities will. This in turn if looked upon with the foundations of the dual entity concept, where every action has a reaction, determining what will prosper, be preserved or inevitably perspire. We do this to achieve equilibrium in all and any achievable possibilities imaginable, and many not, because our actions impact something, somehow or someone, regardless that only after the event has passed do we become aware of too often.

There are so many different theories, insights, and myths, with so many complimentary contrasting colours and trios, that hold a truth of sorts. That is mystically fascinating with capabilities to be intuitively insightful in a different sense. An area I’ve not had the time or pleasure, to educate myself in.  I have spent to much time in the fantasy world of my books with the novels I have read in mass volume, usually hiding from my reality.  Now I find myself learning about mental health, Autism and emotional intelligence to name but a few.

Maybe at the bonnie lochs of Scotland, where I feel an inner peace, at one with myself and my surroundings, I may source my answers. Something I’m learning about the natural beauty that surrounds us is that it varies through age, time and evolution.  Some dated well before my time, to points I do not have the education, knowledge or understanding to give an answer for, but possibly in the future.

For some problems, I have found temporary solutions, but you or someone else may have already unconsciously or consciously stumbled upon, but never triggered, linked or voiced with the missing pieces, because it hasn’t been communicated to the relevant, individuals or specialists yet.  I believe that communication is the root of the solution that may and often does come too late.

May that be because systems and protocols are too restricting or open, the information being inaccessible to some, confused or overlooked, by complicating and over thinking the simple.  The reasons are many because pieces are missing, just a piece or two means no consciously clarified closure to some, but when the solutions are found equilibrium can be achieved to the individual’s needs and wants of life.

Some studies suggest that girls vary on how they score depending on their intelligence level. If it is low they tend to have more social communications impairment and lower cognitive ability. Higher intelligence tend to have fewer restricted interests so what does a female with higher levels of intelligence look like on the spectrum? Is this the reason it makes it harder for parents, teachers, and doctors. Should I take my kids down the diagnosis process when it’s done a lot of harm and good personally? Do I want the stigmas and stereotypes, or do they even matter?

It is a well-known traditionally that Autism was thought of as a boy problem, therefore, girls would not necessarily ever be looked at or linked to the condition. Studies show that there are four times as many boys diagnosed with the disorder, that ratio is completely skewed, what reason is there that does not highlight so clearly, gender differences. How on earth can you say there are no gender differences to the illness, women, and men portray themselves differently within society unless they personally question their own genders identity which is something else entirely. Our body make ups have differences, the chemical balances are different, I can make a baby, but he has the ingredients!!!!

What I do know, is what a privilege it is for the eye of the beholder, casting their own unique Lens upon natural beauty, can and should be.  Something often missed is an awareness inwardly then outwardly appreciated, gaining insight into ones natural and not superficial beauty within their environment. The floating mountains portrayed on the Scottish lochs, with all their vibrant and dull colours combined, that hold so much history and knowledge still yet to be discovered, intrigue me.  Natural beauty adheres to the laws of nature, defying in some senses, what is deemed humanly, scientifically impossible (buzz buzz) within our current scope and understandings on all things relating to life, a bit like humanity.

An exquisitely natural,  picturesque moment that is a visually treasurable beauty inspires.  I believe it entices the best inner reflection to naturally empathise with ones’ self and others. When mother nature is at her finest, where the natural, living and breathing cycles of life go about their daily business is what matters.  Getting caught up on what might never happen, can and more often than not, alters the path and can mentally and physically block one’s self, from seeking out the purpose and version of the life they truly desire

Down by the bonnie lochs of Scotland, I believe you can gain insight in such a vibrantly passionate way, through the spectrum of life in all its colours and glory.  Through energetic connections, that can be truly invigorated, taught through one’s own senses and through those willing to share, teach or be taught, to see the world differently or in a way unique to the individual.

I know many who don’t just see dirt, bugs and a whole lot of anxious reactions.  I was, and can still mimic this behaviour when my sensory is heightened, becoming trapped just like the types described at times, when not on Supergirl/loving life mode (threats versus opportunity), when does one put themselves out there? Well that is what I believe I am doing through my description and inspirations drawn from floating mountain’s and images of life

I am currently blindly navigating as I go, weighing everything up, pushing personally dynamic boundaries and practicing what I preach.  Hopefully the cost gets outweighed by the strengths and opportunities to come, by putting my fearful worries about threats and unforeseen change aside, taking the risks to exploit weakness and turn them in to strengths, in a revolutionarily sense my compass should stay on course to whatever it desires most which is a consistent equilibrium, that is humanly achievable to my individual self.

When I am Lochside, the reflective floating mountains in a calm, or stormy terrain, always has me thinking what colours will I see this time?  I have tried to communicate using written words, the closest truth to a mirror image reflecting myself, so to speak, as I could possibly get it.

A bit like Alice and the looking glass, I’ve just given you the mirror to see who I am. If you truly look at the person staring back at you, you’ll open the door allowing you to see my reflection, perspectives, and, outlooks, as I see them currently. Not what you are comfortable with or want to see, but the truth in all its colours that are not just skin deep or visible to the eye, but there to see for those who choose, the way I understand and see the world today depending on negative and positive energy.

Where energies are concerned I am the least skilled and educated in expressing but excel in feeling, some that are explainable, some that are not.  These allow me to cast a reflective light inside mine or your own shell, bringing oneself metaphorically out from within one’s own shadows, reflecting a light into the depths of your soul, captured and forever documented in your subconscious, to reflect upon the surface in a way mother nature or yourself wills at any given moment.

I naturally reflect, always have and is a skill I use daily, but requiring a brush up in technique periodically. Are you naturally reflective or do you intentionally, force yourself to be aware or avoid? So many ways that question can be answered. What meaning or definition did you take from the word reflect? It is a very, dynamic word with so much shapely mouldable dimensions that boggle the human mind over and over, questions and answers, answers that generate more intuitive questions, that just create more questions… think I have made my point.

You may have thought of reflecting in the sense that you are reflecting on an attitude or a situation. You could be Expressing or pointing out the fact it exists, or what it’s like, revealing the true nature by displaying what is relevant. Another meaning is when heat or light reflects upon the surface, or the surface reflects upon them, they are sent back, as it can not pass through.

Many characters in sci-fi movies I believe have been based on this notion, just that insight alone, the looking glass from a given perspective, could be the best piece of fiction you ever read. It could have so much creativity it mesmerises, or so many shock factors leaving your minds puzzled and confused but craving more. When so many variations come together the possibilities to create with the potential outcome of being something spectacularly, originally different, can produce staggering results. Even TV series have been taken to another level, with every perspective my somewhat childlike gullible mind never thought, or wanted to!! Disturbingly brilliant, a true reflection of innovation.

 

Investigating personality: An INTJ, diagnosed ADHD females personality traits, explored

In April 2018 I got tired of the repetitive loop cycle 1000 days later of always being assumed to be borderline personality disorder (BPD) whenever my emotions were out of control, and I struggled to verbally communicate in the ways expected.  

This led me down a new path to look into, although I have researched personality in so many ways, by reading and listening to so much that is misleading and helpful both at the same time, no wonder my mind gets tangled.

I believe by fixing my mental health, the questions surrounding and clouding whether I have Autism, may finally come to some form of a conclusion or an answer.

On Monday 30th July 2018 I had an Appointment with someone specialised, able and willing to look further into depths with regards to myself.  She seems to have shed some light where there was once none, with a theory worth exploring.

The way her brain works provided a logical and rational explanation that may be plausible, even more so now I have gathered more insight into ADHD (neurology and psychology)

I will continue to research alongside doing tests scientifically recognised in one sense or another that may or may not be relevant, that may give more insight or create some stepping stones, where there may once have appeared to be none.

I took the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test at a time where I was lost and needed to be found.  I have to say it stroked my ego exceptionally well, but that wasn’t what I wanted or needed.

This then allowed for deeper analytical insight and the ability to investigate what a certain unhealthy personality type would look like. I have done this by stepping on too many stones in one setting then stemming off from there, following the cookie crumbs so to speak which is the way I work best.

The reasons for doing this were simple, my personality was confusing those aided in helping work out the puzzle that is me.

Therefore, it was a problem needing to be addressed, a solution or at the very least more of an understanding as to be honest, my personality is not of the ‘norm’ and is a constant enigma to oneself at times, never mind the majority of the population, specialised or not.

For those unfamiliar with the test, I will explain a little about it.  Myers Briggs is a designed Psychometric test categorised into 16 Profiles, allowing for deeper analysis and insight into your behaviour and way of thinking.

Obviously, it’s not individualised as there are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world so if everything was even sliced, 468,750,000 million people per personality type, that’s a lot.

Therefore, I have put together this individual’s thoughts into words who is already clinically diagnosed and labeled in some perspectives, as a minority female amongst the whole population, unique

In this case, categorised as INTJ female, the results from taking the test are as follows alongside explaining the initials more commonly seen but not necessarily understood, that make up the contents of the table

My results for the Myers Biggs Personality test

Introverted – is to be energised by Spending quiet time alone or within a small group, more reserved and thoughtful

68%

Intuitive – can have more of an abstract level way of thinking, interested in theories, patterns, and explanations, often more concerned with the future than the present, described as creative

55%

Thinking – is in relation to making decisions with their head, more interested in the most logical and reasonable choice

70%

Judging – indicates an appreciation for structure and order,

55%

Extraverted – is to be energised by spending time with people, busy and active surroundings, more expressive and outspoken

32%

Sensing – is where one focuses on 5 senses, more interested in the information they can directly hear, see, feel etcetera.  Hand on learners, commonly described as practical

45%

Feeling is someone who tends to make decisions with their heart, more interested in how a decision will affect people, does it fit with their values?

30%

Perceiving – is a person who generally prefers flexibility and spontaneity, they like to leave things open in case they want to change their minds

45%

At the end of the test, you receive one out of the 16 personality type letter combination variations, consisting of 4 letters. The 4 letters received will depend on the top half where your percentage scores are highest.

This is a reflection of the answers that you give, allowing for insight to be gained into the patterns of your behaviour and way of thinking, determining what one out of the 16 personality types, given this tests criteria, best suit your individual but comparable personality.

Now, or when you have the four letters produced and resulted from the test that has determined what personality type more suits your choices, understanding becomes the next challenge.  Each of the 8 code letters stands for a preference in your style of thinking or behaviour. Split into four categories as follows

  • I versus E: Introverted or Extraverted – refers to how oneself manages their energy
  • S versus N: Sensing or Intuitive – looks into how a person processes information
  • T versus F: Thinking or feeling – describes how people make decisions
  • J versus P: Judging or perceiving – focuses on how people approach the structure in their lives

My 4 letter code result

  • Introverted (I) – 68%
  • Intuitive  (N) – 55%
  • Thinking (T) – 70%
  • Judging (J) – 55%

This personality type is more rare, making up approximately 3% of the population and only around 1% of them, are female.  Common names associated with this personality type are the scientist, Strategist, and mastermind to name but a few.

Some of what I found was relevant to myself such as, the descriptions of having the capabilities to absorb highly complex theories and material, creating structure from theoretical abstractions and a brilliant strategist.

I really enjoy and thrive off theoretical challenges that are easily approached in a calm, collected and analytical way, due to the way my brain naturally thinks in a logical, rational and reasonable way, when I am in the right mind.

The Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test is a form of psychological typology, that is an introspective self-report questionnaire, meaning a test you do yourself for many a clustered spectrum of reasons.

It allows for some insight and understanding to the way you think, putting words to it in a literal sense.  It is designed to give indicators and insight into the different psychological preferences in relation to, how people perceive the world around them and make decisions.

Another test highlighting I see the world differently was the RAADS Autistic screening test, where the results are found in the context of a different article The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised; comparing and explaining results in an attempt to understand

I’m usually a good resource for others when problems need fixed or solutions found, but not so good at knowing or taking care of my own needs, sometimes even ignoring and putting another’s first.

INTJ’s are described as original, creative, independent, ingenious and resourceful.  I especially agree with the ability to be a leader but will follow and fully support the person plans, if their idea is more effective or resourceful than mine or another’s.

I do work well on my own though hence why I enjoy being a self-directed learner, in some cases, people could fast track how quickly I am able to learn.  When my confidence and self-esteem get the much-needed attention it requires, maybe I won’t have to rely so much upon being a self-directed learner.

I thought personally that this test would give a good insight in a literal sense for explaining the type of person I was, not for scientific reasons.  When brought up to my CPN and Clinical psychiatrist in an intense appointment, the response was quite blunt and sharply dismissing, more than likely due to time restraints.

I was made completely aware that this is not a recognised screening or diagnostic test within the UK, good to know that due to a system that hasn’t worked for me yet, you plan to stand by it and follow it, therefore giving the impression the results to the test are irrelevant to the purpose, situation or events being discussed, which I disagree with.

On a personal level, they gave me more insight into my personality than ever before, because it gave me a new way to research my personality alongside the meanings to the words, equipping me with the skills and knowledge to better understand.

The reasons for this were to see if I couldn’t untangle the confusion or lack of understanding, associated with myself.

I suppose it all depends on what you want to do with the information contained within the test or what you take from it, which is another story. I didn’t have or feel like the opportunity was there, to simply state that is not why I took the test.

I took it to give words I was unable to give, with regards to aiding in your difficulties figuring or categorising my personality, hoping to be able to help better understand how to communicate, more effectively with one another.

So, for anyone planning on taking it I found it useful as a stepping stone to look further, but there are many stones for which one person can choose to step on, I prefer a controlled open mind instead of a closed ridged cage, much healthier and more effective for this female.   

This is where I found words to aid in answering certain questions asked or wondered, and helped me learn ways to counteract these difficulties, strengthening my abilities to tackle the walls I keep slamming head-on into within my living reality

After yesterday’s appointment, I thought this test just became as relevant as the first time I considered it.  If I have this spectacular minded woman’s way of thinking correctly, I think she may have just put a few missing pieces to the puzzle in place.

I will explain a little in the case earlier articles have not yet been stumbled upon as I have only been blogging for a matter of weeks.  There has been a constant question I can’t stop mulling over which is, Am I Autistic? In some ways, the label fits like a glove, but in others, there is no resemblance.

I am ADHD, my clinical psychiatrist, previous crisis nurse now CPN and this woman I am addressing presently, whose job title is a speech and language therapist, have the opinions and expertise to say I am ADHD.  An article I’m currently working on looking into ADHD has me agreeing even more so now, which I won’t go too much into-depth within this article.

The spanner thrown in to the works yesterday is something i’ve heard many a time before but not in the way this charismatic lady said, a possibility could be that past traumas, life and experiences have gave my mental health a run for its money.

So, pretty much my brains mentality has taken some psychological bashing, which could be the reason I appear to have so many autistic traits at times, circumstances and in some situations, whether I am or not autistic cannot be accurately said at the moment, but hopefully that answer will come through time, support and therapy.

This has led me to a new way of thinking which I plan to explore, but I must give my mind a break, as working on two separate articles linkable to this one, and I’m about to turn this into a lecture instead of light reading if I don’t stay on point.

A new theory or hypothesis brought to light after yesterday, had me considering another angle. An ADHD, INTJ personality type female, whose mental health has gone to pot, but probably not the best description.  Another way to word what I’m trying to describe, in more correct or appropriate speech and probably make more sense.  A theory being…….

‘I have a neurological disorder with the literal word ADHD, due to life experiences and being completely unaware, but not clueless internally to the fact I have a brain deficit, my mental health over my current life-course has created psychological disorders, that could be making me appear autistic or Asperger’s.’

A further thought process I’ve just had that I think is noteworthy for consideration in the future, and another avenue worth exploring is maybe I am just an INTJ female which is a minority in its self.

Could it be possible, that the type of personality I have, is the reason my brain fits the categorical criteria threshold, in a literal word of neurological disorders, (ADHD/ASD) with Psychological disorders manifesting in a complex personality type, known as an INTJ?

It could be the complete opposite, the fact I’m this personality type, does it conflict with my neurological disorder, having knock-on effects creating implications on my mental health.  There are a lot of possible theories and evidence explaining in some ways why I think and see the world differently from the ‘norm’.

I have asked and answered so many questions from previous articles over the last week or so, but there are many still unanswered, but over the course of the next few months that looks set to change.

To an unaware or untrained eye, I may appear physically robotic, detached or manically disabled at times for supposed unknown reasons, as I mentally race to get ahead of the dark cloud threatening to engulf me, sucking away all the air, slowly dimming my light, which has only been put out once at 13.

I hate repeating the same mistakes and this is one I have vowed never to repeat regardless, so I apologise if I appear aggressive/passionate about surviving essentially myself. (I’m working on my approach and technique currently, let’s just say it is a work in progress hence this website)

After that appointment on Monday I now have more hope, due to a woman whose skill and passion for what she does, is exactly what I need, an extremely valuable resource where I lack a lot of knowledge and understanding, she has managed to cast light in my shadows, very insightful and I believe what she has said, she will do.

I got tingles to my toes because this lady knows things I am completely clueless to in some aspects and has assured me, she is going to help and get me the support she can, a good sign i hope.

Since my action man and go to guy moved jobs as a crisis nurse to a CPN, and the rules, procedures, systems, and dynamics of our relationship were altered, my family and I have been left to cope regardless, no matter the circumstance, situation or event that has triggered a lack of control, the majority of the time.

The problem being this is not what we are told is going to happen, also neither of us truly understand what is going on, or what we can do to try and manage it.  We are often just left in limbo constantly being confused, as I’m told one thing will get done after another, but yet they never seem to transpire into anything.

When I am like this I require support the most, but it is the one time guaranteed I do not get it.  Really doesn’t make sense to me, if I am not getting through to one individual about my difficulties, if we are failing to communicate effectively, I will find the one that I can as I’m simply just, trying to survive.

I can only do this by keeping my head bobbing above the surface, remember personal circumstances, experiences, learnings and understanding all influences how we are towards others and ourselves any given day, the results are unpredictable and unforeseen at times.

When the need requires attention and can no longer be ignored, let’s say when I am in crisis if the word fits, the wolf wants to come out but is trapped inside the sheep figuratively speaking, or the opposite way around. 

My tones are harder to manage, blunt beyond belief and a very narrow jugular viewpoint with regards to fixing the problem at hand, depending on the personality I am communicating with.

My vocabulary becomes tangled and I feel vulnerable and embarrassed when this happens so I fight for hyperfocus (automatically switch) and I do not use the incorrect words or try extremely hard to find the more sensitive, or appropriate words.

It is quite the opposite really, but the words are harsher, tone direct and always told I appear and become aggressive by certain personality types but not all???  This is not welcomed or liked by those aided in helping me at times depending on their perspectives, opinions, and understandings, but it is for them, future generations such as my children and for myself, that I am trying to communicate a very closed book.

What is not understood is when I am like this, people make me so ill unintentionally with their word choices and views I have no choice but to correct them or point out the error in their ways, but no one likes that.

Funny that’s all my life has been is people pointing out the errors in my ways, maybe the problem is when I’m doing it, I’m accurate in one sense or all, fully aware of the problem at handUnfortunately, I can forget to take the emotions of others into consideration until later reflection, but arguably they’re not taking mine into consideration either.

I apologise my face, body language and tones do not give the correct insight to be able to understand the emotions I am feeling and portraying.

I’m always seeming to be puzzled at times, sometimes appearing as if out of the blue, and not always relevant to the topic, but it is the topic at hand that triggers and links automatically to another thought process, then back to the original topic. 

This has been the case for so long but more recognisable, over the last couple of years since my journey begun with mental health in a formal setting, simply trying to understand.  This problem or way of thinking that has never been changeable but coverable, I believe, is also a contributing factor to the confusion others can have, when interacting with myself.

Yesterday’s appointment has my wheels really turning differently, and had me looking more closely at ADHD, but researched differently.  I fully accept I have a neurological disorder and that my psychological health has been affected throughout the course of my life to date.  I am beginning to become more aware of where I struggle, still clueless but at least a few steps in the right direction for a change.

I am puzzled but more equipped for putting the pieces together now than I was 2 decades or even 2 years ago when the puzzle, once only missing some pieces, got smashed to oblivion. Fragments and pieces are coming together, and a hazy picture can now be seen.

I believe the road of self-discovery may have hit a pinnacle moment, now all that is left to do is wait and see what happens, whilst others try help find the missing pieces that I can’t. There will come a day I will feel the closest I can to the whole, patience is a virtue as they say.

I believe a possible reason for a lot of the issues within my mental health stem from the fact, that at times I truly do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do, even though I have studied peoples actions and behaviour under the most peculiar settings since a young age.  Because this has been and continues to be a detrimental weakness in some ways, steps are being taken to try and combat this.

I have made It my focus to learn to walk in the shoes of others to allow me to see where I was once blind or ignorant.  Sometimes I am far too empathetic which comes at a cost to myself as I am forever second guessing my own self too often, when more often than not I’m accurate the first time.

I try to and often do, consider all plausible and possible outcomes within my capabilities and understandings from any aspect or scenario, which may be a contributing factor to the tangled mindset.

No one knows themselves better than the individual but how others perceive our behaviours can sometimes, only be answered by another’s eyes. Because I do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do I have made it my focus to learn to walk in the footsteps of others.

I would recommend taking the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test if you require or are intrigued too, take a deeper more insightful look into the way you think and behave.

It is an introspective self-report questionnaire, allowing for more awareness of oneself, where possible career choices can be found that match or better suit your way of thinking.  Either way, I enjoyed the test and the insightful paths that stemmed from it, as it provided in aiding my journey of self-discovery and I hope it gives the insight to others, as it did for myself.

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature picture by Sharon McCutcheon