Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others

Making or changing things seems a lot harder than keeping the old habits but eventually after it becomes a bit mindlessly repetitively simple, these small changes will become daily occurrences without even thinking about it, with long-term benefits

I believe anything can become a habit or repetitive thing we do, for example waking up every day having breakfast, getting washed, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and getting dressed, prepared for what the day brings.

Say you are demotivated, depressed or anxious you might forget to take the morning steps you used to. You’re still in your PJ’s, uncaring or motivated with the thoughts of these tasks which only feed the negative feelings further, possibly having no intention of going out that day…

What do you do then?

This is where you have to become mindful whether caring for yourself or another but you have to recognise and become aware of the risks from thinking or behaving this way, that may be damaging or causing error in yourself or another

When we are taking care of something or someone we are paying special attention or effort to ensure it is not damaged, put at risk or error. Care can also be when the local authorities take responsibility for a child instead of the parents, which I have experienced.

Care is the process of protectively minding or being minded, it’s looking after someone, something or self-care. This could bring to life feelings that make oneself become worried or anxious. I came across the word keeper which is associated with care meaning harmony and agreement with.

Care is about control, management, protection, supervision and guardianship to name but a few. When I talk about control I mean the power to influence people’s behaviours or the course of the event.

When talking personally taking control over the way I think, act and behave is removing many restricting factors that a negative mindset once allowed. I’m working hard to change these for those that I care for and those that care for me.

We give this courtesy to our children, partner, friendships and so forth but often never think to give it to ourselves putting ourselves at risk of personal neglect.

So what is care yet again another word with so many surrounding and linking words but is about being bothered or having an interest. By looking more acutely at just one word ‘care’ I have found more answers.

When we are looking after someone or something we are caring or being cared for eliciting feelings simultaneously of worry, anxiety, and affection.

We can become anxious because we are worried or nervous due to unwelcomed things that might have happened or may happen, causing eagerness to have or do something about it.

Trying to keep ourselves or another safe from harm or injury is the hardest protection of all and the one that elicits feelings of fear to name just one, creating a chain reaction requiring care.

Care is a constant supervision where you are continuously carrying out tasks, jobs or work done to ensure everything is completed correctly.

It is a cycle that needs to be on a never-ending loop. I have spent so long trying to become unstuck I jumped of a cycle I never should have, and that is the one where we take care of ourselves as well.

Guardianship is about defending and protecting which sometimes we don’t have someone to do that for us.

Therefore we are required to learn the methods, skills, and techniques to equip us to be able to do that for ourselves and those we are able and those who are willing, to help.

When it comes to any form of care where it’s for someone else, yourself or something else, caution has to be taken to take care to avoid danger or mistakes. We may do this by paying heed in a cautiously sensible way whilst taking special care to take notice and consideration to things that might help.

We could become overly or underly prudent where all that caution and sensibility gets us stuck or shackled. Could be the opposite where a lack of prudence becomes untamed, hoping to be tameable.   This can cause us to worry and become troubled or bothered over unwelcomed things that have happened or may happen.

We can become annoyed and disturbed by this creating stress, anxiety, and tension. Caring for someone, something or someone can be a source of anxiety that is best learnt to manage.

When we are taking something or someone into consideration we are giving it careful thought such as thoughtfulness towards other people or where we take a fact into account when making a decision.

Taking care of ourselves involves all versions and ways of looking at the word care, even the ones I have not included. We have to mindfully look after ourselves by watching over, protecting, tending, or nursing ourselves back to a healthy mind set.

How we handle or deal with this, learn to manage or cope with it all depends on the individual. At the bottom of the article, I will include links to some articles that give more suggestions on how one goes about initiating self-care in more detail, I focused on care more acutely in this writing.

One of the first steps in self-care is being out the door ready each day whether in your comfy or feel good clothes it’s the start to combat a lack of motivation, drive and focus. One of the hardest to motivate is depression, anxiety or self-critical behaviour but forcing oneself to do these actions is a must.

You can access an article here A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression on these mental health problems.

Some of the therapeutic activities I came across entailed personal-care as a highly important aspect to care. Relaxation could be anything from going for a walk, listening to music or yoga which I tried and enjoyed but lacked consistency.

Keeping your body fuelled and hydrated healthy through a well-balanced diet will give you the strength to get through your day. It allows you to keep physically and mentally active which is another tip I’m always reading about. Doing these each day will help with trying to get enough sleep by physically and mentally keeping yourself stimulated throughout the day leading into your evening.

Mindfulness is about paying heed, becoming aware and recognising what’s around you in all areas able. Learning how to take your own feelings into consideration alongside how others feel is a skill one can learn to improve that benefits all. An inner balance is achievable by recognising and accepting where needs work and where you already have the skills.

Getting out into nature can be a source of anxiety for some but the more accustomed you come to doing it allows for relaxation, mindfulness and being physically active ticking a few of the list simultaneously.

The first source for Self-care comes from the website mind. Here it talks about ways for you to stay aware of your mental health, how to nourish your social life. Just click the link to the website to take a look www.mind.org.uk

There are articles about trying peer support and making time for some of the therapeutic activities discussed above alongside looking after your physical health and how to contact specialist organisations.

The second source that I was grateful for is a really useful table available on Dr. Perry’s website where it has snapshot tips for self-care on an emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, practical and social level which was really useful for a quick reminder and some new ideas.

Learning how to manage how we care is essential not only for ourselves but our dependants and those around us starting with ourselves, self-help

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by Daria Shevtsova

Further reading

  1. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  2. Looking into the word individual
  3. Friday 27th Septemeber 2018; Time to begin looking into how one goes about taking self-care?
  4. Heard of a midlife crisis but a quarter-life crisis, what is that?
  5. A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Facebook Group and page: Natural Empathiser and Natural Empathisers

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com

To truly understand you have to delve deeper, accept this invitation to walk with me for a moment into so many contradicting, confusingly frustrating answers, questions and revelations.  Maybe together mysteries or already answered puzzles can be solved or connected. (Human Rubik cube’s)

We are all moulded to fit certain expectations but what happens when you force yourself, or are forced to fit into rigid structures? Does it create depression and anxiety? Are social pressures becoming more intense or are we becoming a permanent fixtured reality tv show like big brother where privacy is outdated? As myself, yourself, and others open their books, allowing insight into their stories, I hope to broaden my understandings and hopefully find answers, where there once appeared to be, none. (turning my ignorance to awareness)

When ones mental health and wellbeing are skewed, it seems like common sense to have issues with your personality. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult and untreated for 30 years, and I don’t mean medicated.  This has created many a psychological disorder over the years, creating lots of confusion to whether or not I am Autistic.

I believe through time, research and help from those able, one day I will get a definitive answer to whether I am only ADHD, Autistic or both.  All my days people, society, and systems have told me in many a varied way, that I am different and don’t fit the ‘norm’.  Being referred to as abnormal most my days has now been given the label to fit, but life has already delivered many detrimental blows with many knock on effects my entire life, whether intentional or not.

This has led me to a new path, where the therapy I will undertake can help gain insights into what damage needs repaired, in relation to my mental health in order to gather more resources, to answer the question whether I am on the spectrum more accurately?  I have created the blog/website www.naturalempathiser.com for those who can relate, who may find my words of use, but my primary goal was for those who can help, to have and be able to, gain access and insights to my words, without any systems or procedures getting breached or causing miscommunication, in a more timely and effective manner, which I believed was achieved to some extent, so what next?

I don’t agree with everything I or others have done before, but it’s through others and our own mistakes we learn. The problem wasn’t solely people, or systems, it was fitting in to somewhere so contradictory and insensible, a society that disables itself repeatedly. I do question whether it is possible for humanity to reach equilibrium, as I do not believe we are naturally supposed to live the way we are, but it is how you create an orderly society in which we all can live.

There are many whose stories or voices can’t or won’t be heard, for a vast and varied amount of reasons. This group is a place to share your stories, experiences and insights in an individual way, where the labels are just guidelines to allow for deeper understanding and insight, not set in stone. There are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world, so any label or categories you are placed are generalised not individualised. How many people in the world have the same diagnosis, neurological or Psychological disability/disorder, personality or whatever else, as you do? I’m interested in the difference between them, to find and understand the Individual, behind the label.

This Facebook group is a new project stemmed from the website http://www.naturalempathiser.com  for those relevant to hear or read, mine and others voices. I hope to open a communication platform of sorts, for whoever finds it of use, or the words relatable, who have difficulties at times with their psychological and neurological disorders. A virtual community where labels and words are just guidelines and insights for a deeper understanding. As I learn, my blog, group and page will grow with me, any suggestions, feedback, insight or thoughts please comment. I hope you enjoy or find use out of my words, as I will from yours and the peoples I hear or see past, present and future.

Just either click here and in the menu you can like, follow or join the group

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

 

New insights and understandings in my journey through, psychological and neurological disorders 

When I first initially started writing and sketching out ideas I never new what the true purpose or intent was, just that it was helping me. How time has changed that, my compass constantly shifting seeking out its destination, has now turned into my own website/blog/group/page, a communication platform I was once told, wasn’t possible at the time.

I have always gave the impression I rebel against the label, or so myself and others have been led to believe, which is not entirely true. I just want more of an accurate or closer fitting one, given as wide a scope of the situation as possible for all parties involved or relevant to this exchange of information. 

This has led me down a very long complicated path, which more recently, seems to have been more focused and orientated around Autism, which has to change to widen my scope that may have become, too narrowed.  I know I am diagnosed ADHD so I need more understandings there, also my mental health is damaged through years of neglect and abuse, intentional or not.

Today (30th July 2018) I had an insightfully enlightening appointment for the second time with a very uniquely observant woman (a speech and language therapist I believe), who gave me hope and understanding in a time where I was struggling to find some.  Many a time I wonder why I pursue this crazy journey with so many closed and out of reach doors. I felt, and still do at times, like giving up time and time again on many a thing, during this journey with mental health and simply put, myself. I was kindly reminded the reason why I don’t give up, and glad to see someone else hasn’t given up on me either.

The Bermuda Triangle that I refer to at times, has now pinpointed and shaped a new angle….. the starting point me, pinballing between my neurological disorder and fixing, my mental health.

I have been in a constant battle trying to figure out autism, because it was the one that made the least sense to me at the time but at the same time like reading an autobiography.  I used to have a stigma view into the most complexity dynamic label of ASD. Professionals and others kept repeatedly mentioning it in different contexts.  Whether or not I have ASD/Asperger’s still hasn’t been answered and can’t be presently due to the state of my mental health, or so it would appear but yet I can be diagnosed ADHD. If what I am reading is correct you have to fit 5 of the criteria for ADHD, been present in childhood and impacting day to day living in adulthood (in a nutshell)

Something a few professionals seem to have concluded and agree upon, is whether I have ADHD which is what I am currently labelled at 30-years-old.  My attention and focus has been less sharp of late as I’ve been stuck in self-destructive tendencies, increasingly getting worse due to catastrophic ways of thinking, which I’ve done for as long as I can remember.  When I take meds for ADHD I seem to get stuck so to speak and can actually have more difficulty focusing, becoming more spacey.  It enables in some ways, whilst disabling in others.

I need to at least research and look into ADHD further in more depth and scope to see where I do, and do not fit statistically, immeasurably relevantly and  individually, in today’s, yesterday’s and tomorrows understandings and findings.

Until I repair some of the damage done, with the aid of others through time and therapy, the question in relation to Autism will be far to difficult to answer, due to far to many overlaps and similarities.  For many a reason I question if it is even possible to separate between ASD and ADHD, when it comes to myself and many others as I have been discovering?  I do believe however over time, whilst the experiences and traumas impacting my mental health are dealt with, I will have a clearer answer to that question.  Another thought is am I wasting my time, when the NHS system is so fractured and demandingly frustrating for myself and many others.

I find this an ironic frustrating cycle, until my disabilities are managed, I can’t work amongst others so am forever hiding behind my studies, therefore I cant afford private health care, so have to hope my mental health doesn’t deteriorate quicker than, the professionals time frames assigned, to myself. All over my medical records it is plain and clear to see how may months back dated the Community mental health team dealing with myself are.

What is even more obvious is how much the departments do not communicate and when they do, how tangled and confusingly misleading the information could be, and often is. What hope do I have when the staff are so overworked doing to many jobs they never signed up to do, (affecting their mental health and well-being) who by their own words admit the system doesn’t work.  Things have to change because I don’t want history repeating itself for my children, and if they do need help, they at least can have access to it in a less damaging and defragmenting way..

My daughter had a more challenging year, really obvious nearing the end of P5.  I met with her teacher to come up with a plan of action to get her resettled because, at this point she was requesting to have her table and chair moved out of the classroom, attitude and outlook on life was daunting to say the least.  Her reasons for doing this as she said ‘I will be able to concentrate on my work’.  My daughter is bright above her years in some subjects, extremely emotional but has difficulty with expressing and controlling the feelings.  She explained that her head and tummy became upsetting and sore whenever she put pen to paper, making her ill from the anxiety it is causing her.  Her solution as I said was to remove herself from the classroom.

After a couple of exchanges with her teacher, she looked into my daughter through two years of experiences, insights and understandings after teaching her for two years.  She was compared to the current criteria for both ASD and ADHD and she met them for both. Her intellectually insightful teacher even went for a second opinion as was shocked herself as not so obvious unless looked at more acutely.  Backing the argument girls tend to suffer in silence, their behaviours not necessarily replicating the common ‘norms’ criteria for certain disabilities.

When discussed with the doctor, or any other professional nothing has ever been done or looked into, the care very poor unfortunately, for whatever reason.  I have told this story because I believe it is relevant here in regards to myself, the opinions, insights, understandings of others and my current research.  Something flagging up consistently is the fact girls are severely skewed for the diagnosis of both Autism, and attention deficiency hyperactive disorder.  I plan to look up the criteria for ADHD and ASD, writing and documenting where I’m aware I fit and where I don’t, because I do not believe ADHD covers enough of my symptoms compared with ASD, given current knowledge and understanding

I once had the distorted view I had to prove I wasn’t abnormal and could fit societies version of the ‘norm’ just like everybody else, still do at times but I think the poker face has slipped there.  I’m beginning to see where life events, uneducated, the energy and resources used to play the chameleon had.  My clinical psychiatrist once said to me with such honesty and sincerity in her eyes and voice once, ‘I believe you struggle a lot more than we think’……..

I remember thinking if only you knew, or I even knew how to begin expressing or voicing.  At least in my head I can delude myself slightly but not once the words have been spoken aloud, that seems to change my perceptions

The cost for playing the chameleon intentionally or not, has been substantial to my mindset, personal development, confidence and self esteem.  More often than not it takes more of a personal resource trying to communicate at times, that suffering in silence is the best option, or leaving people to there assumptions and implications on matters.  I once was asked what the best option is, being a statue hiding my emotions lurking beneath the surface almost unreadable , or being an open book for the world to see, and I’m yet to decide which is the best option, time will tell. It is said women with ADHD tend to suffer in silence, developing strategies to try and hide there deficiencies and more often than not, the strategies make you feel ashamed and have low self esteem.

I never questioned or understood the diagnosis of ADHD fully, most research is on males and irrelevant at the time to my circumstances, or so I thought, given my understandings and abilities.  Over time I have learnt and seen many a different perceptions, events and personalities that have broadened how I once used to perceive certain labels or words. Now that I have more of an understanding, I think it is time to delve into, ADHD which is another controversial and debatable subject.

I want to see what others have discovered, and figure out where I fit amongst the words written, and where I do not.  I’m hoping that with the trio combination of what I have learnt through life, neurology and psychology so far, then writing my findings and what I learn in the future, presently on women diagnosed or suspected to have ADHD, it will allow me to understand what others are relating to, when referring to myself

From what I have been reading so far its a minority diagnosis amongst females, because most of the diagnosis’s of ASD and ADHD are given to males in the past, but I believe that is beginning to change.  There are many a theory and opinion on why these changes are coming to light, in today’s societies, but words repeated and recited a lot seem to focus on the fact,

The majority of studies were done on males in the past, but now more research, that has been done into women under the same and different light, both in psychology and neurology, are changing our once black, white and grey outlooks on life in every way to some extent or another.

ADHD and ADD are believed not to be gender biased as more research comes to the surface, now more female research has been undertaken, a spanner thrown into the works so to speak.  The stereotype once was that an ADHD diagnosis was given to hyper little boys, extended further to stigmas that the parents couldn’t control or discipline, the fault being theirs.  Nowadays it is almost as often seen in females, as it is for males but the way individuals present these symptoms, react, behave or think can be different, depending on past experiences and understandings

What I can relate to with my findings so far in ADHD is having difficulty shutting out noises and distraction, that don’t appear to bother others.  I pick up noises and smells that can be infuriatingly irritable which can be a trigger, depending how intuitive my mindset is or my way of thinking.  Some days I’m able to tune out or be distracted, other times it appears the harder I try the more it seems to affect, eventually causing me to revert into myself or spontaneously combust spurting out word vomit, as I lose control over what my outward emotions portray.

An example would be the noise made when someone eats with their mouth open, similar to when you mix a saucy bowl of pasta…..  There are certain pitches and noises that make my skin crawl, triggering and making me appear aggressive and giving off ample amounts of negative energy as I fail to hide my displeasure or how uncomfortable I am.  Usually if I can’t find away, I walk far away as possible or remove myself from the situation as best and as much as possible

As many can probably relate, time, money and everything in-between really seems to dominate my life, interfering and influencing my abilities to achieve my goals. Something I’m looking into is the difference between a melt down and a shut down. A question in a test for ADHD referred to the feeling of shutting down and that requests for just one more thing, can send you over the edge.  I seem to cope by always looking for things, researching, avoiding, looking back and catching up, or covering up the fact I’ve shut down in the first place.  This can have me avoiding people, life, internal and external influences becoming either a couch potato or  a tornado.

I don’t feel like my ideas are always better maybe once upon a time in my younger years possibly, I prefer the best most effective solution regardless of who has came up with it.

I’m actually good at organising and structuring tasks, but I can really struggle juggling it with my personal relationships and incorporating it into my daily life, self esteem and confidence play a big part there. I do go to bed with the intentions of being organised and motivated, but more often than not the next day arrives, ending in the ground hog feeling of deflation. I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to fulfil my potential  or meet my goals, more often than not because I have no control over the outcomes, I am reliant on people and their timescales, systems or procedures.  If this is referred to as despair…… I most definitely can relate.

I often feel as if I’m an imposter in my own body (internal prison), a shadow of my former self just trying to pass as normal.  As time passes though I become more and more fed-up, I’ve became sick and tired of the constant looping cycle that’s so self-destructive.  I’m forever just trying to cope to get through the day, trying and failing to stay organised, in control of my emotions as I struggle to communicate my feelings. There never seems to be time for relaxation, even when I try my efforts seem pointless.  I know there is help available out there that could substantially speed up my process, I still can not gain access to them though, in an efficiently and effective worth while way, because they are out of my control or not seen as needed under my current label.

Tuesday 3rd July 2018: When you put your trust in someone or something, in an intimate way

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

We all get the meanings to words wrong, express our tones unnecessarily, and say the wrong thing. I hear something that is preached continuously, but often ignored intentionally or not….

‘Don’t take everything you see, at face value’

I had to find out what an “intimate relationship” was when doing an autistic screening questionnaire. I never understood the true intent or intentions of the question as there is so many dimensions, and perspectives to the word intimate.

I now know I answered the question wrong, therefore giving inaccurate results unintentionally, as I had to answer something I did not understand due to the wording.

An intimate relationship is supposed to be a companionship of such, an attachment to many things or people. How this is usually interpreted when being asked that question varies depending on the individuals understanding or meaning to the words, sequenced together in the question.

Sometimes their asking in the wrong way, if you are having sexual intercourse or being sexually intimate, that is just some of the ways to begin stemming off from the word intimate, just a more politely avoidant way of asking.

Intimate relationship is often used when describing an interpersonal relationship, based strictly on the intimate relation of sex, no strings attached. Was going to say like friends with benefits, but that doesn’t seem to fit.  ‘Friends’ would be the string that has the benefits, but also is the word that means intimate

When looked at in this angle, you may or may not be, in a relationship with a sexual narcissist with a mis-perceived or pre-conceived conception between intimacy and sex, in a relationship.

Never thought of it in that sense until recently, but another interpretation is you might not be ready or want commitment so avoid the stress, of having to.  Although I do think the ASD test meant long lasting intimate relationships not based strictly on sex.  This is commonly a miss conceived perception to the word intimate.

Sex is not the be all and end all to how one feels or, is intimate within a relationship. In fact I strongly influence you pay heed to these words ‘you do not have sex with all your intimate relationships’. So easy to word or say things wrong when words can be interpreted far to versatile.

I believe it’s the actions outside that area that influence the intensity, and influence the intimacy people are able to achieve in all relationships.  I say this because the definition of intimacy is a familiarity or friendship and some synonyms linked to the word are closeness, rapport, attachment.

How you relate can depend on how narrow a scope you have boxed your way of thinking into, either through negligence, circumstance or choice.  Think of it this way, you can even have an intimate relationship with a subject or hobby such as fishing or football!!!?

By truly enjoying this version of life regardless of understanding, words, belief, cultural or anything really, we can then truly be free to be masters of our own mind. We are all products of nature, evolution, god’s children…… whatever words fit your individualism. We are all humanity at its finest, it is what we make it.

So, for me, giving up on humanity would be like, giving up on the people, I am, attached to and Love ‘unconditionally’ – to any variations and definition on the word love.

www.naturalempathiser.com for more reading, understanding and depth

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

There are so many varied and dimensional discoveries and theories, both psychologically and neurologically, that are coming to light in this post-modern society.

The way these issues are addressed and handled can be more disabling than enabling for many individuals in some instances, having more of a detrimental impact on their mental health, sometimes unnecessarily

Two of the most commonly experienced mental health and wellbeing issues are depression and anxiety.  Two words that were once aliens in a literal sense to myself, but something I experienced on a regular basis, unaware and unable to express and communicate 20 years or even 2 years ago.

I used to be so ignorant in relation to mental health but through time, experiences, awareness, and insights from those that have been able and willing to teach, has provided a platform for myself to gain a broader understanding, to the literal words, hopefully allowing for more effective personal growth and emotional intelligence

I am now able to communicate with better word choices, my emotions, and feelings, but can still be extremely challenging at times with certain personality types, or for reasons unknown.

My journey into mental health has been a challenging one but has taught many a lesson, and has allowed for a deeper appreciation and awareness of the words, meanings, and feeling attached to anxiety and depression.

I believe when one’s mindset gets stuck in this way of thinking, self-hatred can be unavoidably self-destructive to many.

Depression can be a horrible, morbidly despising way of thinking for some who can relate to the neurological narcissistic cycle, that anyone can become a victim to at times.

For some, it may be unavoidably necessary or relevant for self-growth, but the damage done and the fight those individuals have to endure simply to survive, can be substantial, who suffer a depression the majority will never be able to understand but can empathise with.

For those that suffer depression, the skills, support, methods, and techniques taught by others and oneself, that are necessary to stay skating on the circumference of your black hole as you ride out another storm, are essential

Every skill to help aid or counteract the disorder or disability is a resource that needs consistent evaluation and consideration, not necessarily explainable or taught, by anybody bar ones-self at times.

There are many techniques or methods that work for some, but not others, therefore, it’s worth keeping an open mind and keep trying until you find the ones that work for your individual, one size doesn’t fit all as they say, so go find what does.

My old methods and techniques don’t work the way they used to, so I am currently finding new ones,  or adapting old ones such as writing, which spawned the website, ‘natural empathiser’

I have managed to gain a better understanding of many things that once caused so much damage and confusion to myself or what used to once be foreign waters.  Through research and peoples word I began removing stereotypes and false meaning, through my own personal experiences and those of others.

Allowing me to see where I was once blind, how detrimental for any individuals mental health and well being, depression and anxiety can be.  More often than not Self-hatred is added to the mix which can be your best and worst critic, but more often than not, it is the worst of them all depending on your perception.

Self-hatred to me is linkable to stress, fear, and pity as they all appear to carry negative vibes, outlooks, and outcomes.  When someone first hears, see’s or feels these negative emotions or words, it can temporarily blind their ability to see things so clearly, as they settle their own emotional reactions and thoughts, back to a level of comfort.

Possibly leading to incorrect or misinterpretations with regards to the exchanges of communications or event, because of the emotional feelings and responses, influencing or interfering with how people view or interpret it.

I fear the trio that is anxiety, depression, and self-hatred the most, because in that mindset where I’m skating the circumference of my black hole, sometimes becoming trapped within myself, emotionally detaching from external influences, retreating from the reality I am struggling to cope with, back within myself.

I seem to have a very special, but infuriating for some, skill where I seem to manage to push all the right buttons to rub someone up the wrong way, without even realising, meaning or trying to.

I can make you angry and feel so many unbelievably confusing invigorating amount of emotions in one go, when I am riding the storm of self-hatred and loathing, disliking and being dissatisfied with one thing after another.

When someone is stuck in a self-hatred and loathing way of thinking and behaving, the individual could take something as simple as ‘you need to treat yourself better’ in a self-destructive and critical mindset.

The problem there is, that more often than not the person making the statement has observed something you may or may not have been, oblivious or able at the time to notice, and had your best interests at heart.

It doesn’t mean this is always the case, or that it has to be, but depending on the way our mindset is and their outlook at that moment, influence and determine what we take from the words.

The person may not even know you have interpreted the words the way you have, that’s why we communicate is it not? The person may not have intentionally meant for whatever actions or issues that stemmed from it to have taken place.

What may be helpful when a misunderstanding or communication problem has taken place, is to reflect on the event where the incident happened, allowing yourself to become more aware of what went wrong. 

This opens opportunities for lessons to be learnt from the event that transpired, hopefully, so they are not repeated again in the future. 

It is important to become more aware because ignorance to oneself and others can be the most disabled individual, depending on opinions or perceptions,  Through time, insights and future learnings and understandings, at least decisions or actions can be, changed, learnt or rectified in some sense or another.

Another way of thinking which I find more fitting to myself, is I haven’t had access to the services able to teach and educate in the ways, that would be most beneficial and resourceful.

Unfortunately, I do not have access to the resources or have the insight, knowledge and educational experience, to be able to teach myself.  Therefore  I haven’t learnt the consistency yet when it comes to one’s self, or how to even take my own needs into consideration, but I plan to learn how to.

It is how you evolve and grow as an individual throughout life’s progress that matters most.  We all make mistakes but depending on whether we choose to learn or be ignorant to them, determines the path one chooses to walk.

Depression affects the interceptions of other peoples reactions to situations and circumstances which is something, that is just maintaining the depression, I will explain further to reiterate my point.

If you use your eyes, almost as if peering through the looking glass, with only a depressive lens, interpreting the actions of others in a negative mindset, unbalanced you are more than likely just making the other person or persons in the conversation, want to agree.

This in a sense is forcing, manipulating and influencing there actions and reactions.  I believe knowing what information is relevant to ones-self is the key to answering many an individual’s personal questions.

As I said the persons or person, probably hasn’t even said or necessarily meant any of this to stem from it.  They may or may not be, implying this is your fault but, that is down to individual interpretations and implications.

Possibly not even, and more commonly not your natural reaction, but bare in mind that the person is only giving observation through the lens, or lenses, they have available and the ability, or access to use them.

I believe that can manifest from consideration and empathy because they have been considerate enough and taken the time to make one-self aware to something they may have originally been unaware of. (people do help the people)

Anxiety and depression have so many linkable overlapping symptoms, treatment and causes that telling them apart can be quite challenging and frustrating for all parties involved.  Something worth remembering is that it’s not unusual to be simultaneously suffering both.

When said to be depressed, one may appear muted, dull, low, slowed down thoughts and reactions. Whereas with anxiety you may appear jittery, everything is heightened or on edge, everything can become more sped up and appear more extremely reacted to.

I never used to understand mental health, many moans, rants and moons ago I thought depression was an excuse, autism was someone with visible disabilities, I used to be so ignorant.

When it comes to depression and anxiety with myself, at times I find my brain heightens whilst my body appears depressed, having knock-on effects.  What I have been learning to do in order to better one’s self is that anxiety is related to fear and survival and is more problematic when out of proportion to the stressors. (grip stress)

Looking into  Generalised anxiety disorder highlights issues such as poor confidence and thinking there worthless which could transpire into Harmful symptoms, with long-term implications

We go around in our little bubbles doing our things, not a care in the world, but once something is pointed out that bubble can be burst, and there within (one’s-self), lays the problem that is my constant focus.  I believe that fundamentally, the thing that matters the most is as follows….,

The bottom line to me is not the actual mistake it’s self but the lessons taught and how we bounce back, that is the important and admiral point to remember.

How we raise that bar from this moment or any and so forth, determines the course of our next actions, that more often than not, are totally unpredictable but predictable in some senses. 

Every tough situation that I have ever been to where I hit a brick wall, I gently or forcibly remind myself of this, to bring me back to reality, intentionally bursting my bubble 

“When you get moments in time where you can be truly reflective and uninterrupted, grab them with both hands, cherish and nurture every second as it will never be wasteful but always insightful.”

I get a lot from these moments, putting the pieces together, altering and reshaping and seeing what can be created.  In these periods of time when able, I have time to gather my thoughts and appreciate everything relevant (a decluttering and organising phase of sorts), noticing things that I may, or may not have missed. 

I’m most reflective though when listening to words and music that resonate with my soul, where the words inspire and I have freedom internally to let the words flow without prejudice.

The majority of the time I am able to take enjoyment out of the other person’s mentality or infatuations, even if it’s not my interest, as it can be infectious if desired or influenced. I’m known as an emotion feeder in some senses, nicknamed a ‘feeder’ by one in another sense, as I appear to influence and feed off others emotions whether intentionally or not.

I can be an emotion feeder in a negative way when my mindset is filled with self-hatred, anxiety, and depression.

I came to the realisation some time ago that everybody needs something to believe in, something that gives a hopeful snug, safe and secure feeling. I believe it is embedded in our natural primitive self when we lose faith in what we have chosen, to believe in. 

The results vary dramatically from slightly altering to catastrophic or revolutionary, no one really knows the impact or the effect until the event takes place.  How do we learn and relate to things that don’t happen personally to one’s self, is through empathy, compassion, and understanding? 

Depression affects the way we intercept  and interpret ourselves and other peoples way of thinking and behaving in situations or circumstances that, if the person was in their right mind, they would have handled or behaved differently . 

Because of this way of thinking with a negative, overly critical or desperate outlook,  it just maintains and feeds the depression.  Therefore, causing the individual scales to remain unbalanced, making their goal of equilibrium that much harder

When using your eyes, you are looking through your own unique lenses that are tailored to fit the individual, so everyone sees the world differently.  Thinking in an analogical way where words fail at times, use visual aids and pictures to describe. 

When we are looking at life through a depressive lens, it can impact and affect others mental health as well as your own, or the way they understand or think.  When interpreting the actions of others through this lens, you will be influencing or in fact making them appear, to want to agree with what you say. 

Later after the individual’s reflection, they realise they do not in fact agree,.  Maybe they will voice this if they ever get the chance or feel comfortable enough to do so, or they may keep them words internally thought, never necessarily being outwardly spoken, so how do we learn from the words we may never hear.

Common sense would say we could learn from all senses available for use at the time, there are five in total but not everyone has them all which are, sight, taste, smell, hearing, and touch.

When we become so attached to our ideologies, we run the risk off being influenced by negative energy that we may, in fact, be manifesting.  Regardless of ones mindset evolution will continue with or without the words we say. 

When words said, in a way leaving no confusion or debate about there intention or current thought process, where descriptions are leaving no room for misinterpretations you can be labeled or considered, aggressive, so how do you change that?

How do you control what you outwardly show, where you don’t feel like a wolf in sheep clothing? 

Aggression is always associated with me but I’m never violent unless attacked, I precipitate and replicate your energy in an extremely worded and expressional way, but its done internal, without effort, then meticulously executed like a song which is soul destroying and exhausting, a complete contrast to the norm (disabled).  

So what is aggression seriously, I can mimic all aware and seen emotions but, trying to learn the systematic or processing way it is done for true understanding and self-teaching, is a headache and a path leading to self-destruction at times it seems to appear.

When our scales become so wonky and unbalanced your only hope for survival is achieving an equilibrium that is most definitely a clinical issue when you might be about to alter your path and learn the most heart-breaking, self-discoverable revelations that may be too late in one sense, but not the ones that matter. 

As soon as time passes to the millisecond, it becomes past tense.  I know this because I am forever stuck in the past and future so often I forget, miss my present and have to reflect back to the moment, I’m’ tired of this so time to change, shift my compass to a new direction, ride a different wave. 

Time to go practice what I preach and come back to my ‘present’….

The Peoples empathiser

My first blog is about understanding and sharing the feelings of one another, find out more at www.naturalempathiser.com

‘How a person interprets words depends on many factors to name but a few…. There natural, and unnatural environment, circumstances on which it is heard, the emotional meaning or message portrayed in projecting the words, all influence how we act, think or behave.

May it be tone, style, word choices, body language, personal circumstances, past experiences or current knowledge, the list can go on and on. The point I am making is words are pointless if they confuse, misguide, hurt, or destroy what they were never meant to.

If you don’t understand, give your full attention and truly listen to what’s being said, to imply or interpret the words heard in a way that is not meant, how can you understand, how can anyone help….

Sum it up, you rebel or obey against a fight that will never be eliminated, just changed from minority to majority which is, awareness versus Ignorance.

Once upon a time, I lacked self-awareness becoming stuck in concrete thinking, being overly descriptive and disabling to the point I became, an unskilled communicator.  I continuously, whether consciously or not, kept choosing ignorance over awareness which was causing irritable intolerances, impulsiveness, and reactive tendencies.

I went against my natural nature repeatedly becoming a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am always in a constant search for answers, and most importantly hope, it’s what keeps me breathing in one sense.

I am a 30-year-old mother of two, in a long-term relationship who is currently diagnosed ADHD (labels always change), and a suspected autistic female awaiting specialist help and analysis.

Unfortunately, my “disabilities” are invisible so to speak, unless I’m malfunctioning, then physically it’s crystal clear although I do not have any obvious physical distortions.

I have been on one heck of a rollercoaster journey these past few years, and it has been a traumatically invigorating eye opener.

It has been well documented through journals and first-hand experience, especially regarding what it is like being a patient under current NHS standard procedures and protocols where I have met many a diamond in the rough my action man (CPN) being one.

In my opinion things have changed  but not enough since my teens, same mistakes still getting repeated or conclusions drawn. (to many words needed for my first blog, many stories for many other day’s)

This experience and not my disabilities, has nearly ended my journey repeatedly, there are lots of side effects to the uncommon/common meds coinciding with a lack of consistent, reliable or assured care, alongside negative intentional and unintentional influences.

Unfortunately, ADHD and ASD specialists are almost, if not rarer to find than my personality behavioural traits, on the NHS.  Then add the fact I’m female and an adult you end up with a major conflicting and contradicting problem.

Sometimes help can be disabling and systems soul destroying without intention, not always the case when you don’t give up or stumble upon diamonds in the rough, that stop you from wanting to.   It can be hard to accept for myself and my family when our cries for help are answered with….

‘We can’t help you at the moment’

I am someone that doesn’t fit within this society, or so it would appear if every human being thought rigidly or believed word for word everything they were told.

The harder I try, the more confusing and tangled it can become at times until I unravel and solve the puzzle.  I love problem-solving if it’s within my interests or capabilities, my niche as those closest says, seems to be people problem-solving.

My goal and new-found purpose in life, (the reason a technological goof is becoming a blogger), simply put, is to spread awareness.  I can excel at following the breadcrumb trail and my focus is always on finding answers, just depends what I am focusing on.

I Particularly enjoy theme writing and reflective writing, stuff that requires me to gather lots of information, sift through it finding the useful and concluding understandable answers, given the information available.

I like delving into the unknown, manipulating and questioning conventional ways of thinking that are disabling or problematic, closure and understanding keep me content.

My confidence and self-esteem has taken some bashing over the years but if I don’t speak out and tell my story, how can it change?  How do I, or anybody else in similar or completely different circumstances, gain access to the help we need, that is effectively useful in a society so tangled.

If I open up, maybe, just maybe, so might someone else and together who knows, but alone that can become pointless.

My hope and ideology is by doing this, more people will be able to relate or at the very least truly feel free to reflect and express their views, opinions, understandings and misunderstandings, just scratching below the surface begging to be brought to life, and understood in the way that matters to the individual.

That’s the fantasy I suppose but it is one that I do hope to achieve in reality to whatever extent possible, suppose becoming a blogger is the first stepping stone to delve into something unpredictable with the potential to be something beautiful.

Simply put, just a deeper understanding of individuals and everything in between to some extent or another.  To achieve this, firstly I have to put my words out there for others to read and respond to, which leads me to an epic moment in my life.

I have put the final full stop, at the end of the final chapter paragraph, and closed the cover, placing it on the shelf, clearing space to begin a new book, a blogger it appears!! The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished.

I have been a closed book for so long when it was finally opened it was like opening Pandora’s box.

I had to learn a lot just to survive, now I’m in control of my book, writing my perspective through my own words and findings, my story is open for all to see, in the widest possible sense that I am capable of, Vulnerable versus invulnerable thanks to myself and those who never gave up.

Naturally, I question everything to gain tolerance and understanding, by thinking dynamically in all aware perspectives, in an analytical and diplomatic way.

Where I am struggling is finding the balance between being more openly approachable versus being awkwardly reserved. This seems to be a blind spot where I intend to shed some light.

I have spent so much time analysing and trying to learn to communicate to all that, I didn’t even realise I already am a skilled communicator.  My niche is written communication, literacy, relevant words for basic survival and existence with reflection.

Words are used to create understanding and shape, so I want to express what I am incapable of at times, expressing verbally.  I will communicate in written language my way, hopefully untangling confusion and broadening understanding in my own unique way.

A place I can truly be me with very limited restrictions, to express one’s self in a creative freedom of speech kind of way.  (hopefully without standing on any, or too many toes.)  Inviting others to share their words or find use out of mine…….. awareness versus ignorance in every sense, not just stigma

Source of writing – www.naturalempathiser.com

Further Reading categories

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Investigating personality: An INTJ, diagnosed ADHD females personality traits, explored

In April 2018 I got tired of the repetitive loop cycle 1000 days later of always being assumed to be borderline personality disorder (BPD) whenever my emotions were out of control, and I struggled to verbally communicate in the ways expected.  

This led me down a new path to look into, although I have researched personality in so many ways, by reading and listening to so much that is misleading and helpful both at the same time, no wonder my mind gets tangled.

I believe by fixing my mental health, the questions surrounding and clouding whether I have Autism, may finally come to some form of a conclusion or an answer.

On Monday 30th July 2018 I had an Appointment with someone specialised, able and willing to look further into depths with regards to myself.  She seems to have shed some light where there was once none, with a theory worth exploring.

The way her brain works provided a logical and rational explanation that may be plausible, even more so now I have gathered more insight into ADHD (neurology and psychology)

I will continue to research alongside doing tests scientifically recognised in one sense or another that may or may not be relevant, that may give more insight or create some stepping stones, where there may once have appeared to be none.

I took the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test at a time where I was lost and needed to be found.  I have to say it stroked my ego exceptionally well, but that wasn’t what I wanted or needed.

This then allowed for deeper analytical insight and the ability to investigate what a certain unhealthy personality type would look like. I have done this by stepping on too many stones in one setting then stemming off from there, following the cookie crumbs so to speak which is the way I work best.

The reasons for doing this were simple, my personality was confusing those aided in helping work out the puzzle that is me.

Therefore, it was a problem needing to be addressed, a solution or at the very least more of an understanding as to be honest, my personality is not of the ‘norm’ and is a constant enigma to oneself at times, never mind the majority of the population, specialised or not.

For those unfamiliar with the test, I will explain a little about it.  Myers Briggs is a designed Psychometric test categorised into 16 Profiles, allowing for deeper analysis and insight into your behaviour and way of thinking.

Obviously, it’s not individualised as there are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world so if everything was even sliced, 468,750,000 million people per personality type, that’s a lot.

Therefore, I have put together this individual’s thoughts into words who is already clinically diagnosed and labeled in some perspectives, as a minority female amongst the whole population, unique

In this case, categorised as INTJ female, the results from taking the test are as follows alongside explaining the initials more commonly seen but not necessarily understood, that make up the contents of the table

My results for the Myers Biggs Personality test

Introverted – is to be energised by Spending quiet time alone or within a small group, more reserved and thoughtful

68%

Intuitive – can have more of an abstract level way of thinking, interested in theories, patterns, and explanations, often more concerned with the future than the present, described as creative

55%

Thinking – is in relation to making decisions with their head, more interested in the most logical and reasonable choice

70%

Judging – indicates an appreciation for structure and order,

55%

Extraverted – is to be energised by spending time with people, busy and active surroundings, more expressive and outspoken

32%

Sensing – is where one focuses on 5 senses, more interested in the information they can directly hear, see, feel etcetera.  Hand on learners, commonly described as practical

45%

Feeling is someone who tends to make decisions with their heart, more interested in how a decision will affect people, does it fit with their values?

30%

Perceiving – is a person who generally prefers flexibility and spontaneity, they like to leave things open in case they want to change their minds

45%

At the end of the test, you receive one out of the 16 personality type letter combination variations, consisting of 4 letters. The 4 letters received will depend on the top half where your percentage scores are highest.

This is a reflection of the answers that you give, allowing for insight to be gained into the patterns of your behaviour and way of thinking, determining what one out of the 16 personality types, given this tests criteria, best suit your individual but comparable personality.

Now, or when you have the four letters produced and resulted from the test that has determined what personality type more suits your choices, understanding becomes the next challenge.  Each of the 8 code letters stands for a preference in your style of thinking or behaviour. Split into four categories as follows

  • I versus E: Introverted or Extraverted – refers to how oneself manages their energy
  • S versus N: Sensing or Intuitive – looks into how a person processes information
  • T versus F: Thinking or feeling – describes how people make decisions
  • J versus P: Judging or perceiving – focuses on how people approach the structure in their lives

My 4 letter code result

  • Introverted (I) – 68%
  • Intuitive  (N) – 55%
  • Thinking (T) – 70%
  • Judging (J) – 55%

This personality type is more rare, making up approximately 3% of the population and only around 1% of them, are female.  Common names associated with this personality type are the scientist, Strategist, and mastermind to name but a few.

Some of what I found was relevant to myself such as, the descriptions of having the capabilities to absorb highly complex theories and material, creating structure from theoretical abstractions and a brilliant strategist.

I really enjoy and thrive off theoretical challenges that are easily approached in a calm, collected and analytical way, due to the way my brain naturally thinks in a logical, rational and reasonable way, when I am in the right mind.

The Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test is a form of psychological typology, that is an introspective self-report questionnaire, meaning a test you do yourself for many a clustered spectrum of reasons.

It allows for some insight and understanding to the way you think, putting words to it in a literal sense.  It is designed to give indicators and insight into the different psychological preferences in relation to, how people perceive the world around them and make decisions.

Another test highlighting I see the world differently was the RAADS Autistic screening test, where the results are found in the context of a different article The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised; comparing and explaining results in an attempt to understand

I’m usually a good resource for others when problems need fixed or solutions found, but not so good at knowing or taking care of my own needs, sometimes even ignoring and putting another’s first.

INTJ’s are described as original, creative, independent, ingenious and resourceful.  I especially agree with the ability to be a leader but will follow and fully support the person plans, if their idea is more effective or resourceful than mine or another’s.

I do work well on my own though hence why I enjoy being a self-directed learner, in some cases, people could fast track how quickly I am able to learn.  When my confidence and self-esteem get the much-needed attention it requires, maybe I won’t have to rely so much upon being a self-directed learner.

I thought personally that this test would give a good insight in a literal sense for explaining the type of person I was, not for scientific reasons.  When brought up to my CPN and Clinical psychiatrist in an intense appointment, the response was quite blunt and sharply dismissing, more than likely due to time restraints.

I was made completely aware that this is not a recognised screening or diagnostic test within the UK, good to know that due to a system that hasn’t worked for me yet, you plan to stand by it and follow it, therefore giving the impression the results to the test are irrelevant to the purpose, situation or events being discussed, which I disagree with.

On a personal level, they gave me more insight into my personality than ever before, because it gave me a new way to research my personality alongside the meanings to the words, equipping me with the skills and knowledge to better understand.

The reasons for this were to see if I couldn’t untangle the confusion or lack of understanding, associated with myself.

I suppose it all depends on what you want to do with the information contained within the test or what you take from it, which is another story. I didn’t have or feel like the opportunity was there, to simply state that is not why I took the test.

I took it to give words I was unable to give, with regards to aiding in your difficulties figuring or categorising my personality, hoping to be able to help better understand how to communicate, more effectively with one another.

So, for anyone planning on taking it I found it useful as a stepping stone to look further, but there are many stones for which one person can choose to step on, I prefer a controlled open mind instead of a closed ridged cage, much healthier and more effective for this female.   

This is where I found words to aid in answering certain questions asked or wondered, and helped me learn ways to counteract these difficulties, strengthening my abilities to tackle the walls I keep slamming head-on into within my living reality

After yesterday’s appointment, I thought this test just became as relevant as the first time I considered it.  If I have this spectacular minded woman’s way of thinking correctly, I think she may have just put a few missing pieces to the puzzle in place.

I will explain a little in the case earlier articles have not yet been stumbled upon as I have only been blogging for a matter of weeks.  There has been a constant question I can’t stop mulling over which is, Am I Autistic? In some ways, the label fits like a glove, but in others, there is no resemblance.

I am ADHD, my clinical psychiatrist, previous crisis nurse now CPN and this woman I am addressing presently, whose job title is a speech and language therapist, have the opinions and expertise to say I am ADHD.  An article I’m currently working on looking into ADHD has me agreeing even more so now, which I won’t go too much into-depth within this article.

The spanner thrown in to the works yesterday is something i’ve heard many a time before but not in the way this charismatic lady said, a possibility could be that past traumas, life and experiences have gave my mental health a run for its money.

So, pretty much my brains mentality has taken some psychological bashing, which could be the reason I appear to have so many autistic traits at times, circumstances and in some situations, whether I am or not autistic cannot be accurately said at the moment, but hopefully that answer will come through time, support and therapy.

This has led me to a new way of thinking which I plan to explore, but I must give my mind a break, as working on two separate articles linkable to this one, and I’m about to turn this into a lecture instead of light reading if I don’t stay on point.

A new theory or hypothesis brought to light after yesterday, had me considering another angle. An ADHD, INTJ personality type female, whose mental health has gone to pot, but probably not the best description.  Another way to word what I’m trying to describe, in more correct or appropriate speech and probably make more sense.  A theory being…….

‘I have a neurological disorder with the literal word ADHD, due to life experiences and being completely unaware, but not clueless internally to the fact I have a brain deficit, my mental health over my current life-course has created psychological disorders, that could be making me appear autistic or Asperger’s.’

A further thought process I’ve just had that I think is noteworthy for consideration in the future, and another avenue worth exploring is maybe I am just an INTJ female which is a minority in its self.

Could it be possible, that the type of personality I have, is the reason my brain fits the categorical criteria threshold, in a literal word of neurological disorders, (ADHD/ASD) with Psychological disorders manifesting in a complex personality type, known as an INTJ?

It could be the complete opposite, the fact I’m this personality type, does it conflict with my neurological disorder, having knock-on effects creating implications on my mental health.  There are a lot of possible theories and evidence explaining in some ways why I think and see the world differently from the ‘norm’.

I have asked and answered so many questions from previous articles over the last week or so, but there are many still unanswered, but over the course of the next few months that looks set to change.

To an unaware or untrained eye, I may appear physically robotic, detached or manically disabled at times for supposed unknown reasons, as I mentally race to get ahead of the dark cloud threatening to engulf me, sucking away all the air, slowly dimming my light, which has only been put out once at 13.

I hate repeating the same mistakes and this is one I have vowed never to repeat regardless, so I apologise if I appear aggressive/passionate about surviving essentially myself. (I’m working on my approach and technique currently, let’s just say it is a work in progress hence this website)

After that appointment on Monday I now have more hope, due to a woman whose skill and passion for what she does, is exactly what I need, an extremely valuable resource where I lack a lot of knowledge and understanding, she has managed to cast light in my shadows, very insightful and I believe what she has said, she will do.

I got tingles to my toes because this lady knows things I am completely clueless to in some aspects and has assured me, she is going to help and get me the support she can, a good sign i hope.

Since my action man and go to guy moved jobs as a crisis nurse to a CPN, and the rules, procedures, systems, and dynamics of our relationship were altered, my family and I have been left to cope regardless, no matter the circumstance, situation or event that has triggered a lack of control, the majority of the time.

The problem being this is not what we are told is going to happen, also neither of us truly understand what is going on, or what we can do to try and manage it.  We are often just left in limbo constantly being confused, as I’m told one thing will get done after another, but yet they never seem to transpire into anything.

When I am like this I require support the most, but it is the one time guaranteed I do not get it.  Really doesn’t make sense to me, if I am not getting through to one individual about my difficulties, if we are failing to communicate effectively, I will find the one that I can as I’m simply just, trying to survive.

I can only do this by keeping my head bobbing above the surface, remember personal circumstances, experiences, learnings and understanding all influences how we are towards others and ourselves any given day, the results are unpredictable and unforeseen at times.

When the need requires attention and can no longer be ignored, let’s say when I am in crisis if the word fits, the wolf wants to come out but is trapped inside the sheep figuratively speaking, or the opposite way around. 

My tones are harder to manage, blunt beyond belief and a very narrow jugular viewpoint with regards to fixing the problem at hand, depending on the personality I am communicating with.

My vocabulary becomes tangled and I feel vulnerable and embarrassed when this happens so I fight for hyperfocus (automatically switch) and I do not use the incorrect words or try extremely hard to find the more sensitive, or appropriate words.

It is quite the opposite really, but the words are harsher, tone direct and always told I appear and become aggressive by certain personality types but not all???  This is not welcomed or liked by those aided in helping me at times depending on their perspectives, opinions, and understandings, but it is for them, future generations such as my children and for myself, that I am trying to communicate a very closed book.

What is not understood is when I am like this, people make me so ill unintentionally with their word choices and views I have no choice but to correct them or point out the error in their ways, but no one likes that.

Funny that’s all my life has been is people pointing out the errors in my ways, maybe the problem is when I’m doing it, I’m accurate in one sense or all, fully aware of the problem at handUnfortunately, I can forget to take the emotions of others into consideration until later reflection, but arguably they’re not taking mine into consideration either.

I apologise my face, body language and tones do not give the correct insight to be able to understand the emotions I am feeling and portraying.

I’m always seeming to be puzzled at times, sometimes appearing as if out of the blue, and not always relevant to the topic, but it is the topic at hand that triggers and links automatically to another thought process, then back to the original topic. 

This has been the case for so long but more recognisable, over the last couple of years since my journey begun with mental health in a formal setting, simply trying to understand.  This problem or way of thinking that has never been changeable but coverable, I believe, is also a contributing factor to the confusion others can have, when interacting with myself.

Yesterday’s appointment has my wheels really turning differently, and had me looking more closely at ADHD, but researched differently.  I fully accept I have a neurological disorder and that my psychological health has been affected throughout the course of my life to date.  I am beginning to become more aware of where I struggle, still clueless but at least a few steps in the right direction for a change.

I am puzzled but more equipped for putting the pieces together now than I was 2 decades or even 2 years ago when the puzzle, once only missing some pieces, got smashed to oblivion. Fragments and pieces are coming together, and a hazy picture can now be seen.

I believe the road of self-discovery may have hit a pinnacle moment, now all that is left to do is wait and see what happens, whilst others try help find the missing pieces that I can’t. There will come a day I will feel the closest I can to the whole, patience is a virtue as they say.

I believe a possible reason for a lot of the issues within my mental health stem from the fact, that at times I truly do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do, even though I have studied peoples actions and behaviour under the most peculiar settings since a young age.  Because this has been and continues to be a detrimental weakness in some ways, steps are being taken to try and combat this.

I have made It my focus to learn to walk in the shoes of others to allow me to see where I was once blind or ignorant.  Sometimes I am far too empathetic which comes at a cost to myself as I am forever second guessing my own self too often, when more often than not I’m accurate the first time.

I try to and often do, consider all plausible and possible outcomes within my capabilities and understandings from any aspect or scenario, which may be a contributing factor to the tangled mindset.

No one knows themselves better than the individual but how others perceive our behaviours can sometimes, only be answered by another’s eyes. Because I do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do I have made it my focus to learn to walk in the footsteps of others.

I would recommend taking the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test if you require or are intrigued too, take a deeper more insightful look into the way you think and behave.

It is an introspective self-report questionnaire, allowing for more awareness of oneself, where possible career choices can be found that match or better suit your way of thinking.  Either way, I enjoyed the test and the insightful paths that stemmed from it, as it provided in aiding my journey of self-discovery and I hope it gives the insight to others, as it did for myself.

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature picture by Sharon McCutcheon