self-managing my time

We all have key roles to play when it comes to protecting our own health but all self-care, self-management, and self-parenting are, is becoming aware and being able to treat and manage your own mental health and wellbeing. To begin self-care it has to be initiated by the individual who requires it by managing their self and time better.

Time is the greatest resource we have that there never seems to be enough of or it passes too quickly. It is how we measure the passage of time representing the present as being between the past and future. There is nothing we can do to slow it down or get more of it, we have as much or as little as life presently allows, so making the most of it is vital.

Time is a continuous process of progression from the past, through the present and into the future. All we can do with the time we have is to get the most out of it. There are many ways where one goes about getting the most out of their day but without time management skills, you may be setting yourself up for failure time and time again.

We all want to accomplish more, procrastinate less and free up time for non-work related activities such as family days out or personal care.

Planning is a must to get the most effective use out of your time. Self-management involves time management so planning your day the night before, writing down things you need to do the next day and the steps it takes in order to accomplish the tasks and goals you need to achieve, could be more beneficial.

Gathering any information like phone numbers, paperwork or items required so you’re prepared and less likely to forget something allows for better organisation. The best tips to improve time-management consists of delegating, planning and prioritising, setting goals to work towards or that are achievable, meet deadlines, stay organised, find your productive time and minimise stress.

Sometimes we don’t notice where we are wasting time (procrastinating) or bringing on unnecessary stress by trying to juggle or take on more than we should. Self-care is often the time that is first to go and when this happens a sluggish cycle is likely to take its place, altering your mindset to think, act or behave differently.

We can put ourselves off doing any task for many a cluster of reasons, you may not know where to start, dislike it, understand it, lack confidence in your abilities to accomplish the task or worry about the outcome. Whatever the reason avoiding it creates anxiety that is getting no one anywhere. This, in turn, has knock-on effects that better management skills could have prevented.

More often than not it is better to just tackle the more worrying or difficult task first while you have the mental and physical strength to combat any unpleasantries that may or may not arise. Sometimes the hardest job is initially starting the task but not always, sometimes determination is the driving force alone that sees you through completion.

A good tip I plan on incorporating into my day-to-day living is prioritising and planning jobs the night before so I at least have some direction the next day. I often find whilst doing the easy or more enjoyable tasks first I’m constantly reflecting on the fact I have the bigger job in the back of my mind, like a dark permanent reminder.

I’m always focusing on the task I’m avoiding for whatever reason making everything seem much more challenging than it really is, creating unnecessary stress that then requires further management to get things back under control.

By prioritising tasks to start with the most difficult, more time-consuming or least pleasant given the environment fits the task, will allow for more effective and fulfilling results. By getting the one that elicits the more energy drainage out the way first will increase your motivation for what lays ahead, making the easy tasks feel that much more manageable and satisfying.

By spending some time looking into what you need to do with your time you may find someone else could do the job more effectively by delegating. They may enjoy it more depending on the skill level for the task in question, reducing the time and energy spent managing and thinking about that task. Therefore time is freed to complete other tasks that may require more skill or attention.

When delegating you must be careful not to consistently or frequently have others complete or help with jobs that you should be doing by yourself. This can create many problems so planning, prioritising and delegating require a balance that is considered manageable for the individual, groups or any other party involved.

A goal is a measurable objective that gives us something to work towards. Goals that are too easy won’t help keep us motivated but the ones that represent a challenge that isn’t too difficult, can. Having specific goals in life creates an order which keeps us motivated and working towards something

By setting goals to improve your time-management you can get a better understanding of what you are able to achieve in a day. You become more aware of your capabilities and what goals may have been too high or low, what was achieved and what wasn’t.

When it comes to organisation have a place for everything and put everything in its place. Have what you use more often closest to you and it may be worth setting aside a little time each day for organising.

You could write to-do lists, shred paperwork you no longer need or ensuring everything is in its place. Having a calendar or day planner can help remember important dates and deadlines.

By planning the time you need and keeping a record you will be less likely to forget or find yourself in the position where you have to drop everything in order to complete the objective.

Poor management of time creates unnecessary stress leading to more problems in the future, that could have been avoided. Stress creates anxiety and worry that can become distracting.

By not managing our time this can lead to a lot of stress and anxiety over completing tasks in a timely manner. To reduce stress we first have to figure out what is causing or creating it.

Is the issue at home, work or about a task or job that needs completing because once you figure out what the stressors are, it can be managed. Now that you know what is causing the stress you need to figure out what parts can be controlled and what can’t, break it down.

There will be some stressors that you can not control so you must either try to come up with a way to exert more control or to simply ignore the issue and focus on the parts of the stressors you can control.

Unfortunately, there will be some stress you cannot control therefore focusing on reducing stress physically would be another step you could take. This entails dedicating time to self-manage oneself by getting appropriate sleep, being physically active and eating a balanced diet that is right for you.

Some tips for improving sleep are to reduce distractions, very dark, quiet, going to bed and waking up the same time every day, avoid caffeine late in the day. Before going to bed try relaxing in a warm bath, listen to soothing music, reduce worry by writing a list of things to do the next day.

A common reason for struggling with time management is because we take on to many obligations because of the feeling we can’t say no.

We do this sometimes when we have little time but want to help others, we feel guilty for saying no or have simply misjudged the time we had.

It may feel good at the time to have said yes but have you considered what the actual commitment is?

How much time, effort and energy it will take?

Is it a good use of your time?

If not you could be agreeing to something that takes much longer than first anticipated, thus creating stress, worry and anxiety unnecessarily, that could have been avoidable and manageable.

For those that struggle to say no even when they know they should there are four steps to try help counteract this problem

  1. offer the other person a reason for why you are declining so as not to cause confusion, or make the other person think you are just being selfish or lazy
  2. Be tactful so as not to cause any hurt or anger.
  3. You could suggest an alternative that takes less time, creating another option.
  4. Say no as soon as possible, don’t take time to think that may create more problems if you know you are going to probably have to say no.

I studied ways of improving time management a few years back and thought I’d share my refresher course for those that may find it of use.  I struggle with my executive function skills when I lack consistency, concentration, and focus.

I need to pay more acute attention in these areas because the way I am managing my time at the moment isn’t very beneficial all round. As I continue to work on my self-management things should improve becoming much more manageable.

source of writing – feature photo by pixabay

Further reading

  1. Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
  2. Sympathy and empathy created the literal word empathiser
  3. Looking into the word individual
  4. Saturday 1st September 2018; Splitting hairs between emotions and feelings

To be a rebel, is one who doesn’t fit societies mould of ‘normal’

Words are manmade by humanity to help with understanding, interpreted differently by everyone to help gain more insight and understanding. 

From the day I took my first able breath at 0006 hours, (a Libra in the third Decanate, which is the last sequential sign within the element) to my grand old age of 30 😝 I always have and always will be, a constant rebellion because I don’t fit sometimes, with what is deemed as the ‘norm’.

The reason I say grand old age is because, I once wrote the words contained in another article A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018, to a special compassionate GP some time ago, in the world of the lost. When all hope had left and I became a vortex of every emotion, my light nearly snuffed.

This man gave me many dynamic perspectives and opened my eyes repeatedly when I had become stuck, somewhat trapped in a self-destructive internal prison.

He has been my hope in humanity, where the specialist or other professionals have otherwise been less successful. Sometimes what we think is helping maybe disabling but I would have been truly lost without the help of my action man and GP.

As both mine and my GP’s cries for help were unable to be answered by my mental health team, I began looking into stress.  After the words written to my saviour, I had an epiphany in a sense, and yes both words are intentionally used and will be manipulated.

I have done so because they are the best fit to describe, even though it sounds overly eccentric.  This gentleman GP has gone with, and against normal procedures and protocols, just looking at the individual.

Never intentionally to rigid or shy to admit someone’s skill may be more useful. He goes out of his way repeatedly, has never given up and never will as his eyes and words shine true, therefore I believe in him.

I have become attached because over the years, time no matter how small plus familiarity has allowed us to build a rapport, on a level different from the norm. (A diamond in the rough)

I was extremely stressed trying to fit, learning how to communicate with everyone else.  It caused me to forget how to communicate to those that mattered most. By shutting them out I did protect, but I still damaged which I am busily repairing now. 

This is extremely difficult when everything is the same but different.  I then began remembering and cementing the fact that you can make it through anything, if, you have one person strong enough for both or all, (and I am) but the ball is always fully in your own court, just depends if you invite me in, or I invite or gatecrash yours. (working on that :-P)

We can all relate to stress but what happens when your stress becomes more intense. One way of relating would be a ‘grip’ stress, which can cause someone to slip into the realm of their inferior function. The inferior function (secondary) is a wee slimy sleeked bugger at times, with a sycophantic influence too your superior function (main), think this is linkable to personality typology which was insightful.

Sometimes I excel at some abilities whilst losing others, whereas at other times I’m balanced and able to achieve equilibrium, well my version anyway, unique to my individual. When I am balanced and if the word fits, my colours are bright and I have control over what I allow others to see. People are absorbed and infatuated when my colours have a positive impact.

When you begin turning them logical, analytical and inquisitive, you can physically feel and see some types of characters brains sending warning signals, at least that is how my peripheral vision sees it in some.

I can see them physically and mentally recoiling as they retreat to protect themselves, with their tail dangling between their legs, trying to work out what is happening.

I am so hard on myself to ensure I learn and don’t repeat the same mistakes, but it is internally killing me and I need to stop it.   This society wants to think its modern, fairy tales of peace, love, harmony, and, acceptance but I beg to differ (one step forward, two steps back).

I rebel against common sense, I rebel against labels that impact and change my life, that is not accurately understood, or misunderstood by any individual involved. I rebel against rigid systems and procedures designed and funded to help individuals like myself….

Heres a revelation and a half that I hope to change, getting access to this so-called “help” could end your journey, not your issues,

There will be many different opinions on that statement, a debatable one I’m sure but it is my perception at the moment, through experience.

Peoples perceived conceptions of life can be crippling to themselves and others around them. My story is an on-going one that is filled with so many past, present, and still yet to come in my future just like every other person.

Society, the majority and minority, together we need to start broadening our understandings and awareness because, ignorance is a choice not a disability.

Because I choose to take the time to educate myself on every aspect possible, to some extent or another given time restraints and resources? That makes others uncomfortable at times as they do not like to think things in certain ways.

Is that a reason to avoid thinking about it because it makes them uncomfortable?

Does that make me the disabled one?

Well, your ignorance and expectations of my tolerance levels will always make me uncomfortable (vice versa) which is an end note to this blog, and onto another future one.

Have you ever heard of a quarter-life crisis? I’d heard of a mid-life crisis but quarter, that was new to me and wish I’d found it sooner, would have saved a lot of time

It happens to us in some sense, when we can become doubtful about our own lives, which is brought on by the stresses of becoming an adult.

The realisation could be that life is too short, that everything may not happen for a reason at all, or that truth and rationality are not governing forces, or even the fact that you will always be the one that loves more.

My quarter-life crisis boiled down to realising that the ideal circumstances I’ve been trying to fit my life into, may not exist.

That’s when I decided I can’t keep waiting, we can’t keep waiting, we owe it to ourselves to live our lives to the greatest and fullest possible ways, within our capabilities.

Whether that’s alone or part of a family, just live because waiting for that person to show up and change our lives just might not happen, so you’ve possibly wasted all that time.  I hope for me and yourself, that we change that.

To read this article click the link Heard of a midlife crisis but a quarter-life crisis, what is that?

Source of writing – feature image by pixabay

Other articles in this section

  1. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  2. New insights and understandings in my journey through, psychological and neurological disorders 
  3. Investigating personality: An INTJ, diagnosed ADHD females personality traits, explored
  4. A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression
  5. A little insight into one’s mental health and wellbeing


Sympathy and empathy created the literal word empathiser

How many can relate to the words seen, felt, or heard from books, movies, or people such as, looking at heaven living through hell? Everyone at some point past, present and future will have felt the desperation or burning desire to separate themselves, from their reality.

When I’m doing the biggest sprint or long distance marathon around the circumference of mine, or another’s black hole (anxiety and depression), I find answers whilst looking at questions, regardless if they are accepted in all perceived perceptions or not, it becomes irrelevant.

With me as the focus, this is my life where I have dependents and not just the ones I’ve created, so being a sympathiser and an empathiser are essential in relation to being able to express, feel and understand empathy and sympathy, where I once may have been lacking depending on how you choose, want, or are able, to perceive it.

I am a reader at heart which is my obsession and place of solace, a deep intuitive thinker and these words are stemmed from that alongside, research and life through comparison, expressed through me.  I am diagnosed ADHD but have Autistic traits amongst other possible labels.

I now believe I do have an understanding and answer I am content with, alongside a way of explaining a 30-year long conundrum personally relating to myself and my mental health with regards to the words empathy and sympathy, or empathise and sympathise, or ………. and sympathiser, in a literal sense.

The ‘natural empathiser’ is a communication platform in a virtual sense, another extension created from the workings of my brain.

By explaining, understanding, and attempting to communicate my internal language and way of thinking externally, I hope others on a similar journey or coincidingly aiding with mine, can gain deeper understanding and insight.

Verbal communication is not always the most effectively useful method to use for myself and others, therefore I can become selfish and dependant on words in every scope and sense.

I write for myself and now others to mull, sympathise or empathise with, as my opinions and views are influenced and changed, through mine and others experiences

This is my fight for survival and at times I can assure you, my way will not be of the ‘norm’ or completely orthodox to the system one may desire me to fit.  This is the only way I know how, that saves myself and others with the desire and drive to survive, each and every time, unraveling the tangle so too speak.

My way of thinking intriguingly frustrates and influences others that I have met, causing them to think in ways that elicit feelings of both empathy and sympathy simultaneously, depending on mine or their, mindset.

I do this as I try to understand and explain the individuality, which has many a confusing contradiction.  I am currently trying to learn to control, manipulate or brace for impact in more effectively resourceful, and beneficial outcomes for all.

Sometimes I can be extremely sympathetic or empathetic, eventually resulting in neither.  This can have positive and negative impacts for myself and others, who may or may not be comfortable in that setting.  We can become influenced in how we think, behave, or understand the exchanges or events that have took place.

I don’t know what I believe but there is one thing I always settle myself on, which I need to change to my constant.  That would be equilibrium, a balance which is a course of action, a way of seeing or a way of thinking, that I will not allow my eyes or ears to be deceived, the cost is too great.

It would be a lot easier in an ignorant sense if I did, and I may appear to be temporarily doing just that, at times.  I have learnt the true meaning to the words, you can’t run from yourself.

More often than not if you do, there is a trail of destruction and aftermath left that is no easy task for the faint-hearted, to repair, fix and move on from.

As time passes I understand more and more some things are unexplainable in one sense whilst being, predictably ignorant but yet aware at the same time, in another.

If I allow myself to hide behind where I have been deceived or ignorant to in the past I become disabled, my awareness enables me because shutting down is my disease.

The answers do live indefinitely, and sometimes, we have to simply face it because we can not change it, which is a reality we all have to accept at times.

I become sick and tired trying to work out, how many questions is it going to take to find me?

I am Natural regardless because I am a human being, a product of, or from mother nature, naturally conceived and as far as I am aware, naturally delivered into this world.  This is where many a lesson has been taught in some extreme ways, bringing me to an understanding in more depth and scope.

I do not believe I was brought into this world with what we have seen, as a majority wiring in the brain.  This is just a theory with no actual visual proof of sorts, but there may possibly be one day, who knows.

I have researched and played around with the words empathy and sympathy more acutely, coming to the realisation that once upon a time I could explain and understand empathy and sympathy, but unable to feel and express it in ways deemed ‘the norm’

The word ‘Empathiser ‘as far as I’m aware is not a recognised word in the English language or Oxford dictionary, that is why I have declared myself one as no one seems to recognise me.

We have a sympathiser which is a person who agrees or supports a sentiment, opinion, or ideology.  I learnt to be a sympathiser in the extreme sense throughout my tweens to younger adolescents.

When I had my children I learnt to be an……..

Empathiser – which is a person who understands or explains through comparison, a sentiment, opinion or ideology.

Well at least my interpretation, definition, and meaning of the word, therefore allowing me to say I am neither empathy nor sympathy, I’m something else entirely when splintering.

What I hope and plan to achieve is placing my internal scales the majority of the time, at a balance. slightly tilting when necessary.  This is my strive through sheer will, determination and focus for equilibrium on a personal level.

I know I will achieve this eventually more often, as I do manage to achieve it naturally on occasions, with a little help from other people.

I have come to the realisation life isn’t easy for anyone at times, sometimes, there are not enough words to make a sentence for someone else to understand and explain.  This can challenge things even further, making it even harder to find your way.

A survivor of life against a deadly disease we relate to as cancer once said these words to me, that have played over in my head time and time again, (a triggered thought when the situation links, and everything falls in line.)

She said to me ‘there has to be a heaven, because we are all ready living in hell’, she wasn’t just talking about the disease or treatment eating away at her, but everything in her life and others she was aware, to date.

I once had life described as hell which in too many a sense, its a close replica to what I have learnt and seen, interpreted from the word.    The emotional highs and lows that we feel on this obstacle we call life vary in a dynamically fascinating, sometimes unexplainable in a logical or rational way.

How one begins explaining depends on the steps you’ve taken, the sights you’ve seen and the experiences you have had that may or may not, coincide with another

Doesn’t matter who, what or where you are, anyone regardless of the circle or class their from can stumble upon the long road, crossroad, or slams straight into a barricade in their life.

This can be because of anything, everything, and whatever is in between, because every single human being can become overwhelmingly complicated, threatening to engulf if given the chance.

We all question ourselves, our integrity and pride, often described and linked to self-destructive tendencies one may say.  Regardless, it has knock-on effects for oneself and another, impacting self-esteem and confidence.

I do not know how to put myself first or even think about myself before others anymore, because I was told I done it to the extreme once upon a time, so my problem seems to be a contrasting one that I’m beginning to rectify.

I’m the living breathing organism that is smoke and mirrors, by focusing on other problems, I can detach from myself essentially, hiding or avoiding.

I find it’s easier helping someone else, distracts and gives me a reprieve from my internal prison of damnation.

I’m always trying to keep those closest happy without realising, by forgetting about myself it has knock-on effects.  One, in particular, is the influences on what I put out, more often than not getting nothing back in return, causing me to lose faith in myself and others.

What I’m beginning to understand is how much I’m hurting myself, and those closest in the long run.  I used to say when I was on a one-way ticket to the place my demons go, no one should have to witness, be a part of or a bystander in, without understanding you may end up losing yourself in the process, and I stand by it.

I have been reminded that silence is not always the best option but neither is too many words.  If I don’t like, agree or see sense in it I will express it, because I’m sick and tired of imploding till eventually, I explode.

This cycle is far too unpredictably predictable and can leave many a casualty or survivor.  As time passes and I’m taught better ways to communicate, hopefully, my word choices get better verbally, controlling the balance of melting and shutting down.

I don’t have to burn inside when I don’t have enough words to make a sentence verbally, because my mind is working way to fast to find the right way.  Sometimes there is no one size fits all, right or wrong way solution.  The only option is to learn how to lessen, prepare, or avoid the impact. for more reading, understanding, and depth – feature photo by pixabay

Further Reading

  1. Monday 16th October 2018 – Pondering life and one of the pieces that is empathy
  2. Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
  3. Looking into the word individual

Pondering life and one of the pieces that is empathy

I decided to take a much-needed break with the family to get away from my day-to-day living.  Things seem to be piling on top of me where I needed a temporary change to shake things up.

It was hectic as took my other half’s mother along as well who hasn’t been away for a break in years and years, but we all enjoyed the reprieve.  My anxiety is still being a bit of a pest and my imagination is getting the better of me and unfortunately, at times it’s becoming physical symptoms, but it will pass.

Now that I am back my mind is taking a little time to settle because I met a mass range of different people, whose stories have so much raw emotional truth it was a little overwhelming.

I met a young girl who bet me at the conga line the first night, that had me belly laughing the night away.  Over the course of the next few days, our two sons played brilliantly.  My son has only just recently in the last couple of months started interacting with others more.

I learnt on the 3rd night that she has to sign with her son when he was apologising to my son, I assumed he was deaf then the story unraveled the final night.  It put truth to the saying don’t judge a book by the cover, you don’t know the story.

It also got me thinking how we don’t teach lessons to children on understanding emotions in this day and age in the school curriculum, despite there being growing expectations on society to understand it.

Her son is suspected to have Autism and I could understand why when she started filling in the gaps to the story.  He did not speak when he was younger, no noises or babbling and he had never played with someone, not the way he was wth my son.

She says her son is able to feel empathy and has shown on occasion that he can, I also learnt that the only way a pressure cuddle relieves this boy is by lying on his back when he is face down, then he will calm down.

She also expressed how confusing the journey was and how contradicting the advice sounds at times, her son has a speech and language therapist amongst many others. In my opinion, her children were well cared for, managed, and, behaved regardless of the fact she was a young mum with a disabled child, who had her first at 17 who is now 21.

The reason I have brought that up is because of a story she told me from her previous holiday the year before, where her son took an extreme meltdown banging his head off the floor.  A lady a fair few decades older just came up and said to her that’s what happens when children have children.

I was a decade older than this girl but she put my organisation to shame, she was prepared for all aspects of behavioural issues that may have arisen, regardless of her age, I learnt a thing or two from her.

This boy fit the stereotype or core consistent ways of behaving, acting and thinking commonly seen in those under 3 with autism.  They played and interacted brilliantly despite there being the language barrier, it was nice seeing my son come out of his shell.

I used to wonder if my children were Autistic, especially my son as he had more traits than my daughter but the more I learn the more I realise yes we have a lot of traits but that may not necessarily be the right label.

I noticed my social skills are adequate even if I have to play the wolf in sheep’s clothing at times, I can still manage these interactions and not that I have lost the skill that took years to develop.

I can do this by reading the body language, energy and listening to the words coming from the individual I’m conversating with, I can manipulate, steer or remove myself from conversations I don’t feel comfortable with and enjoy the ones I do.

My anxiety and imagination keep getting the better of me at points but manageable. It’s spiking and becoming more visually detailed, especially at night when I’m trying to shut down, interfering with my day.

I’m now getting physical symptoms that are becoming noticeable to those who know me but still able to cover these from those that don’t.

This means I am not controlling it as much as I would like and if I don’t get it under control, I run the risk of falling back into the depression and self-critical thinking that leads to poor self-care and procrastination, for this individual.

A downward spiral I’d rather avoid.

Fear is closely linked to anxiety and when you have dependants it isn’t so easy to avoid your worst fears from coming to life in your head once you allow them to creep in and set roots.

There is so much out with our control to be fearful of, that putting these thoughts to the back of the mind isn’t so easy for many, regardless.  It takes self-management to control them before they get the better of you, even then they still linger.

Your body temperature rises as your heart rate quickens where you feel the vibrations from the palpitations pulsating at the ears, a clammy cold sheen of sweat coating the skin, all from the power of your imagination and way of thinking.

This is when things become catastrophised and your mind jumps to worst case scenarios although they may be plausible they are unlikely to happen.

These days I have this way of thinking more under control but when the thoughts appear they can be harder to suppress with reason, becoming more graphically detailed and harder to shake them out.

It’s my body reacting to the chemicals being produced as my flight or fight reactors kick in but it’s happening unnecessarily causing me to react, think and behave differently.

Makes no sense to have a fear of your thoughts which you have control over, which led me to another. I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking to two steps forward, one step back meaning stepping into my present then my future, only dipping into my past, so I did just that.

I saw my present needed attention, planned for this to happen in the future which has now past and I’m reflecting back on.

I once described my life as being smashed into pieces but bit by bit, piece by piece I’m beginning to restore it, the originality still there but becoming something else.

I have been on so many a self-destructive cycles only occasionally jumping off the loop for some time now as the clock goes tick tock, that I have no other choice but to place change on the horizon, that is self-manageable.

I am rebuilding the walls that I thought was the problem that I began dismantling a few years ago piece by piece, I have now learnt that was not the case.

The walls had to come down or else I would carry on being oblivious to how those around me feel, but enough is enough as now I have no protection leaving me vulnerable.

I was reading a comment that I was not able to reply to the way I wanted as it was a pondering thought that I haven’t found the words to explain yet. It was about empathy which once upon a time I was unable to execute to the level I do now.

I wrote about empathy and sympathy in this article Sunday 19th August 2018; Looking at heaven living through hell that explains the words and my way of thinking in more detail

I call myself the natural empathiser….

I am natural because I am human but the word empathiser does not exist in the English dictionary.

I do not claim to naturally be able to be empathetic I don’t think anyone is born this way. I’m worse at being sympathetic because I come across as dramatically theatrical, not so good at expressing emotions in ways deemed the ‘norm’.

Empathiser didn’t exist and since no one seems to be able to recognise me I found it fitting. My definition of it is to understand and explain through comparison an opinion, ideology or sentiment, which is what I naturally do. Therefore I am neither empathy or sympathy but I learnt to be an empathiser and a sympathiser.

I do not believe anyone naturally feels empathy, to begin with, some learn it earlier on in life than others but I think it is something that is taught.

You have the ideology, sentiment or opinion explained, you are compared to other human beings as your parent/carer tries to get you to understand, to be empathetic and considerate to others.

As time progresses experience, life and the lessons we are taught teach us through trial and error to feel empathy to some level for others, a part of personal growth that varies depending on the individual.

I am beginning to believe we can be selective in what we choose to give thought to for a vast and varied amount of reasons.  For too long now I have pondered and been frustrated by the word empathy.

A common opinion I have been reading is we are not born with it but have the capabilities and potential to learn to understand others throughout the course of life

What’s your thoughts or opinion on empathy?

Do you think it is a part of development or something you are born with?

Do you think empathy is something you are taught or feel it naturally?

Whatever your point of view I’d like to read it 🙂

Source of writing – feature photo by  www.naturalempathiser.comSharon McCutcheon

Further reading

  1. Looking into the word individual
  2. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  3. Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
  4. Sunday 19th August 2018; Looking at heaven living through hell

When I needed it the most I found writing again

How to start!!! The ultimate question that has left so many pieces of paper blank, possibly writer’s block implemented in my brain for the past few years.  I miss it, my mum says its something I’ve always done is write it down.

When thinking back she is right, it is when I’m not getting what I’m wanting to say across verbally, I write.

I have not lost the skill, just the ability to use it in the short-term, even what I write is so below my normal skill set but I don’t care I want it back, therapeutic arguably and the more I do it, the more it improves, the better I can communicate.

I had proven this back in February 2018 with A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018.  This was a  man I have struggled with emotionally over the years, butted heads with but formed a genuine bond in which together, we can now laugh at the history in past memories over the years.

I will never forget our first meeting end December 2012/January 2013. I had just moved to the land of the lost, after seeking refuge.  We had our appointment and his eyes unsettled me to the core near the end as they noticed things my poker face couldn’t hide.

He asked questions that no other doctor has, in the context he done it, maybe compassion is the word I’m looking for.

I clammed up so tight as his brain and eyes were far too observant and sharp, unsettling me and leaving me feeling vulnerably exposed.

I remember the phone conversation with my mum after where I described him as one of these hillbilly doctors, probably living in some cabin in the woods (not stereotyping something from the movies at all here!!) I’d just moved from the city to the country, I was used to the conveyor belt treatment).

His eyes unnerved me because they appeared to look as if they could see through my armour, past the chameleon that is me, as if he could look into my very soul, I left with my tail dangling between my legs.

He wanted to help, always has and regardless of the struggles he always will if he is able, and that was why I cried out for help to him, as I was failing with everyone else.   I knew he would listen and try everything he could to help, I just had to communicate it right so that he could.

I feel honoured and privileged to of had him as my doctor, a pillar to the community and that’s not just my word.

One of the most sought-after doctors here, a credit to his profession and believe you me I’ve only met a handful like him over the years, I wouldn’t be where I am at the moment without his support, understanding, and patience when my behaviour is less easily explained.

I have a plan, a focus, fixing my inner foundations and structure…. That’s if I don’t flat line on appearance and become trapped in an inner hell, looking for anything to clutch so I can come out the other side.

After my appointment back in February 2018 where I handed over words so raw and open to me, overwhelmed was an understatement, silent tears flowed, triggered by anything happened for hours as I got stuck in my past.

Being around me can damage your own mental health when I am like this and verbally communicating, dissecting as my mind raced all because I managed to get the words down, someone took the time to read and I knew I had got across what I wanted to say.

At the time his answers gave so much relief and hope it was intense.  I wanted to hide, thought of the hospital, hiding in my room in a pain no one should have to witness or be around.

Through time I became more high, metaphorically running around looking, listening reflecting on ways I could fight the dark fog threatening to suffocate me. I then became higher emotional instead of low, flat and deflated if that’s the right word.

I’m lucky my mum understands my language and even though verbally to anyone else, they wouldn’t have understood, just left the conversation exhausted and confused, my mum managed and helped to change my perspective slightly.

Best I can explain but to the next point, triggered from the change in perspective, ignorance can be bliss, but I no longer have that option, knowledge, and understanding is what I’m lacking, so fix it.

I read mass amounts always have but have stuck to more fantasy and supernatural, time to come out of fantasy and into reality no matter how badly I want to avoid it.

What I’ve found on mental health has been exhausting, a point-less or more in some ways, so I decided to start looking into the one I refused to believe many a moon ago, ASD but resources are limited and time-consuming.

I have found a book written so brilliantly, I have decided to read the whole thing in one sitting.  Would have been done February 2018, would have been an all nightery as the first 50 pages had me so intrigued but I had promised to switch off, if there is such a thing, to try switch off.

To date, I have still not managed that book and to many tasks to list as far too much has clouded my focus, knocked it off or changed it entirely for that moment in time (mostly out of my control).

Unfortunately, that bit of space with no influence has not been possible and I’ve exhausted the resource that is me yet again. When it does become a reality and space is not just a fantasy, I image I  will have already found most my answers and more.

Eventually, they will become reflective, time frames are just too long though, that is something requiring immediate attention.

My compass is forever shifting as I pass by, no matter how tiny or huge, always shifting to point me in the direction I need, want, or must be at that present time.

Source of writing Natural Empathiser – feature photo by pixabay

Further Reading

  1. Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others
  2. Looking into the word individual
  3. Sunday 23rd September 2018; taking the lid off words to my action man, long overdue
  4. A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018
  5. 28th April 2018; reflecting back when a bereavement the day before, shut down my ability to communicate

Taking care of yourself whilst taking care of others

Making or changing things seems a lot harder than keeping the old habits but eventually after it becomes a bit mindlessly repetitively simple, these small changes will become daily occurrences without even thinking about it, with long-term benefits

I believe anything can become a habit or repetitive thing we do, for example waking up every day having breakfast, getting washed, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and getting dressed, prepared for what the day brings.

Say you are demotivated, depressed or anxious you might forget to take the morning steps you used to. You’re still in your PJ’s, uncaring or motivated with the thoughts of these tasks which only feed the negative feelings further, possibly having no intention of going out that day…

What do you do then?

This is where you have to become mindful whether caring for yourself or another but you have to recognise and become aware of the risks from thinking or behaving this way, that may be damaging or causing error in yourself or another

When we are taking care of something or someone we are paying special attention or effort to ensure it is not damaged, put at risk or error. Care can also be when the local authorities take responsibility for a child instead of the parents, which I have experienced.

Care is the process of protectively minding or being minded, it’s looking after someone, something or self-care. This could bring to life feelings that make oneself become worried or anxious. I came across the word keeper which is associated with care meaning harmony and agreement with.

Care is about control, management, protection, supervision and guardianship to name but a few. When I talk about control I mean the power to influence people’s behaviours or the course of the event.

When talking personally taking control over the way I think, act and behave is removing many restricting factors that a negative mindset once allowed. I’m working hard to change these for those that I care for and those that care for me.

We give this courtesy to our children, partner, friendships and so forth but often never think to give it to ourselves putting ourselves at risk of personal neglect.

So what is care yet again another word with so many surrounding and linking words but is about being bothered or having an interest. By looking more acutely at just one word ‘care’ I have found more answers.

When we are looking after someone or something we are caring or being cared for eliciting feelings simultaneously of worry, anxiety, and affection.

We can become anxious because we are worried or nervous due to unwelcomed things that might have happened or may happen, causing eagerness to have or do something about it.

Trying to keep ourselves or another safe from harm or injury is the hardest protection of all and the one that elicits feelings of fear to name just one, creating a chain reaction requiring care.

Care is a constant supervision where you are continuously carrying out tasks, jobs or work done to ensure everything is completed correctly.

It is a cycle that needs to be on a never-ending loop. I have spent so long trying to become unstuck I jumped of a cycle I never should have, and that is the one where we take care of ourselves as well.

Guardianship is about defending and protecting which sometimes we don’t have someone to do that for us.

Therefore we are required to learn the methods, skills, and techniques to equip us to be able to do that for ourselves and those we are able and those who are willing, to help.

When it comes to any form of care where it’s for someone else, yourself or something else, caution has to be taken to take care to avoid danger or mistakes. We may do this by paying heed in a cautiously sensible way whilst taking special care to take notice and consideration to things that might help.

We could become overly or underly prudent where all that caution and sensibility gets us stuck or shackled. Could be the opposite where a lack of prudence becomes untamed, hoping to be tameable.   This can cause us to worry and become troubled or bothered over unwelcomed things that have happened or may happen.

We can become annoyed and disturbed by this creating stress, anxiety, and tension. Caring for someone, something or someone can be a source of anxiety that is best learnt to manage.

When we are taking something or someone into consideration we are giving it careful thought such as thoughtfulness towards other people or where we take a fact into account when making a decision.

Taking care of ourselves involves all versions and ways of looking at the word care, even the ones I have not included. We have to mindfully look after ourselves by watching over, protecting, tending, or nursing ourselves back to a healthy mind set.

How we handle or deal with this, learn to manage or cope with it all depends on the individual. At the bottom of the article, I will include links to some articles that give more suggestions on how one goes about initiating self-care in more detail, I focused on care more acutely in this writing.

One of the first steps in self-care is being out the door ready each day whether in your comfy or feel good clothes it’s the start to combat a lack of motivation, drive and focus. One of the hardest to motivate is depression, anxiety or self-critical behaviour but forcing oneself to do these actions is a must.

You can access an article here A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression on these mental health problems.

Some of the therapeutic activities I came across entailed personal-care as a highly important aspect to care. Relaxation could be anything from going for a walk, listening to music or yoga which I tried and enjoyed but lacked consistency.

Keeping your body fuelled and hydrated healthy through a well-balanced diet will give you the strength to get through your day. It allows you to keep physically and mentally active which is another tip I’m always reading about. Doing these each day will help with trying to get enough sleep by physically and mentally keeping yourself stimulated throughout the day leading into your evening.

Mindfulness is about paying heed, becoming aware and recognising what’s around you in all areas able. Learning how to take your own feelings into consideration alongside how others feel is a skill one can learn to improve that benefits all. An inner balance is achievable by recognising and accepting where needs work and where you already have the skills.

Getting out into nature can be a source of anxiety for some but the more accustomed you come to doing it allows for relaxation, mindfulness and being physically active ticking a few of the list simultaneously.

The first source for Self-care comes from the website mind. Here it talks about ways for you to stay aware of your mental health, how to nourish your social life. Just click the link to the website to take a look

There are articles about trying peer support and making time for some of the therapeutic activities discussed above alongside looking after your physical health and how to contact specialist organisations.

The second source that I was grateful for is a really useful table available on Dr. Perry’s website where it has snapshot tips for self-care on an emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, practical and social level which was really useful for a quick reminder and some new ideas.

Learning how to manage how we care is essential not only for ourselves but our dependants and those around us starting with ourselves, self-help

Source of writing – feature photo by Daria Shevtsova

Further reading

  1. Catastrophising; worst case scenario at an extreme
  2. Looking into the word individual
  3. Friday 27th Septemeber 2018; Time to begin looking into how one goes about taking self-care?
  4. Heard of a midlife crisis but a quarter-life crisis, what is that?
  5. A trio for self-destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Sunday 30th September 2018; Antipsychotics and psychology

My experiences with antipsychotics are mixed and I know others who have not experienced the side effects I did with Quetiapine or require as large a dose I did, this was during a really traumatic time. Unfortunately, the side effect was restlessness to an extreme, the feeling and need to detach yourself from your legs or saw them off.

When we got this feeling to a manageable one with other medications a 600mg dose a day to function was achievable with Quetiapine 2 years ago, not required now though this was during a traumatic time where it felt like my mind was being fed rocket fuel.

It is worth noting a 25mg dose of Quetiapine gave me this side-effect as soon as the drug began working in my system. The improvements made me just learn to cope with this feeling which created its own problems

I’m currently taking a 1.5mg dose of Haloperidol twice a day which has not given me the side effect I had with quetiapine to the same level, but many of the benefits. It has created restlessness and anxiety which I have the two pills to counteract that with which I will start on Monday but it is reducing the speed of my conscious thoughts, I’m diagnosed ADHD

The primary use for antipsychotics is to treat psychosis more commonly found in conditions such as schizophrenia or bipolar but these are not my conditions.

Psychosis is where a person loses contact with their own environment or external reality ranging from disorderly thoughts to hallucinations. Psychoanalysis is about investigating the unconscious elements of the mind, rather than what is at the forefront in your conscious mind that could be part of the problem.

Psychosomatic is where your condition is made worse by mental factors such as stress, anxiety or depression. Psychotherapy is about treating the mental disorder or disorders through psychological means rather than medical.

Unfortunately, I am making a habit of repeating myself here but the whole point in my need to see a psychologist literates and revolves around those two small paragraphs in the words written above but because I cannot produce a timeline for whatever reason she has no intention of meeting me???

I have to remember not to ‘shoot the messenger’ who happens to be my community psychiatric nurse.

The professionals are the only ones that have access to the resources I need, the only ones that are accessible to me to teach me what I missed or haven’t learnt. I am a keen learner and not a fan of walls, I have a habit of finding a way through it one way or another if it is an unnecessary distractingly avoidant obstacle creating problems

I was tired of the communication problems so went about finding an alternative route in order to rectify that but it didn’t work in the way I had hoped. I was told to write a diary years ago which I did but It was looked at once for all of 30-60 seconds before an opinion was expressed

‘it’s as tangled as my present’…… actually, it wasn’t you just looked through a very narrowed scope or far too wide.

Setting up this blog primarily was so they could have access to my words which was almost pointless, a speech and language therapist used it and seen straight away I needed the psychologist and I think she was under the impression she had managed to source that for me.

The reason it is not pointless is that it has helped me and many others which I intend to take steps further to make it more effectively relevant.

As I become more comfortable about telling my story, I will focus on adding in the details instead of brushing over the surface, but generalising my writing was how I got my feet wet, now I’m almost ready to dive right in.

Maybe it’s about time I took my own lid off and show what is inside, you only live once as they say, show my individual

So we have psychotherapist whose job it is to try and rehabilitate in a sense, a human being, equipping them with skills and knowledge to repair, teach or manage their mental disorders where able.

This is done in an attempt to lessen dependency on medical care which is on the agenda for me supposedly but I’ve been hearing the words the last couple years or so but yet…. nothing,

I wonder how many other people have this problem with getting access to the therapist, professionals or any other of the services available but inaccessible to yourself, even when you meet the criteria.

How many only have the pills to learn how to manage which is a problem in its self and if so, why?

Is this an issue only with the National health service in my area or the whole of Britain?

Everything I am reading, hearing and experiencing answers most of those questions but I suppose I don’t like the answer 

I honestly believe she can help one day, this clinical psychologist if she actually becomes part of my reality instead of someone forever just out of reach with one hoop after another.

I cannot get my head around it and it is eliciting feelings that are only negative where once upon a time I would have suppressed them, but I’m tired of this cycle it does me no favours just makes it easier for the other not to feel overly obligated or obliged, but I have learnt a lot when I changed my focus in Spring to me after another brick wall.

I see a person maybe once a month improved to once a fortnight recently who has no idea what to do with me and that makes me wonder about the working relations of the team I am told can and will support me by a speech and language therapist.

Then on the other hand by someone else I am told if it becomes too challenging or they feel there is nothing more they can do, they can discharge me, that’s the impression I have taken regardless and I am fed up with it.

So I am reliant on two General Practitioners who are actually doing something that makes a difference. Yes I was, have previously and presently been prescribed antipsychotics which is another story in itself I intend to delve into the experience in more detail, I’ve only brushed over it here

I am not a fan of medications for personal reason and the majority of the time I don’t require medication just methods and techniques.  One reason is that you have to learn how to manage the changes in your body and until you take the pill regardless of how much information you read, you have no idea how it is going to affect you.

Source of writing – feature photo by pixabay

Looking into the word individual

When we are considering something as an individual we see it as having to do with one particular person.

Something separate that forms a unit by itself that is different or a form of distinction or boundary from others. A unit can be a single thing or group that is complete in itself but can also become something larger.

I began looking into the word individual when looking at self and was amazed by the number of words surrounding and linking to it.

A person is an individual human being usually the speaker, the one spoken to or a third party. To be human we have to be a man, women or child that we hope show the better qualities of people.

The being is the existence or the nature of the person, a living creature but when we use the word creature it’s not so commonly used to describe a person.

We do say ‘creature comforts’ when referring to a person which is things that make life comfortable.

To be independent is to be self-governing, which is free from the control or influence of others or not connected to another.

This can look or feel isolated where your removed or cut off from others and usually seen as lonely or single. To isolate we place something or someone apart from others and on their own.

I learnt two new words when looking into this one word and that was ‘isometric’ which is having equal dimensions.  I believe I have heard this word ‘idiosyncrasy’ but never understood the meaning that is simple, it is just a person’s particular way of thinking and behaving.

This could be unorthodox and different from what is usually traditionally accepted. It could be conventional which is based on or following what is generally done which is the opposite to individuality in a sense.

Being an individual for some can be a lonely place where you have no companions or the support of others. You may also prefer being a ‘lone wolf’ through choice, necessity or preference.

Solitary is done or existing alone which many do not like existing in seclusion or isolation, whereas others seek the solitude

An individual to me is your character which is the particular qualities that make a person or thing an ‘individual’ and different from others.

People often link it to their soul which is the spiritual element of a person or a person’s inner nature but the self is the essential being that distinguishes them from other people.

Some spend their whole life searching, shaping or making this there goal in life to find their individuality, some become lost, some are found and some are left still searching

We are all unique, one of a kind, and we can all be special which is to be better or different from what is usual, depending on the choices we make.

Some choose to stay In the shadows, invisible, some are out there plain as day letting the world see their colours, whatever fits the individual as long as it is not hurting anyone else intentionally.

We all like something that Is novel or exclusive, that is new in an interesting or unusual way that may or may not include other things. The problem or benefit depending on the circumstance is it becomes restricted to the person, group, or area covered.

We are all individuals that have to work as a unit…..

Source of writing – feature photo by Tookapic 

Time to begin looking into how one goes about taking self-care?

Time is one of the most fascinatingly infuriating things that I have come across in my life. The kryptonite that heals and destroys all sometimes simultaneously that I have studied how to manage, but never quite understood the practicality. A Refresher course is on the agenda

All I ever hear is I don’t have time?

How much time do I have?

Where did the time go?

I don’t know what to do with the time I have…….

Today I have decided to focus on where do we find the time to spend on ourselves and how best to use it? An article will follow in the next 24/48 hours after I finish researching, gathering and sorting through the relevance.

I could sit here and use this time to tell you tales of what it is like to be in relationships so volatilely self-destructive that a person is left with no other choice but to retreat.

Tales of what it is like to hug and drown in your own tears as you wish for more than nothing but the ground to swallow you whole. The feeling of homelessness, systems, rigidly forced care that people feel obligated to give but reject you all the same. Having dependents that rely on your mask that teach you how better to use it or require it less

Now is not the time for that, first I have to learn how to take better care of myself in every aspect humanly possible and accessibly achievable within my capabilities, self-heal so to speak.

That means the researcher in me needs to come out and find answers which is what I have been doing.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck in a rut but I am managing to use my way of thinking as a resource.

I’m forever being told I think different and I’m thankful for that, there are worse things.

I have walked in many shoes but found I didn’t quite like the fit, a lonely selfish path to walk therefore managed and created something I could walk in.

Instead of focusing on the trauma, I am going to focus on how one goes about repairing their foundations by themselves, in their present through self-care as unfortunately, a timeline stands in my way of getting access to a psychologist who could speed up the process.

I remember I saw a pleasant woman I have assumed was a psychologist 3 years ago. I had two appointments where my past was the core subject and I did not have to go through hoops just to meet her acquaintance.

Maybe it’s easier to think of helping someone at the beginning but I highly doubt it, she was a genuinely lovely woman but back then I didn’t understand her importance or the emotions that come hand in hand with seeing a psychologist. I did what I used to do best, I ran, hid, or avoided, whatever word fits.

As I say Goodbye but never forgetting the old and hello to the new I get closer to a feeling I never knew was possible anymore, or how yet to explain. When I look back there is so much painfully intense passionate emotions and love that suffocates me at times to the point I just beg for nothing. All the lies, truths and misunderstandings left forever a question that will never have an answer.

I have accepted this truth and now embrace that honesty full heartedly, so when I discuss my past I will detach because the alternative is depression that I have still to conquer. So maybe before tackling the big confusing stuff, start there.

I have personality disorder traits, mood disorder traits, PTSD traits, Autistic traits, I’m diagnosed ADHD and I know there are groups, therapy, things that can and should be done that my General Practitioner (GP) and community psychiatric nurse (CPN) are unable or able to do, but shouldn’t or should in order to change my way of thinking that is destructive.

I came across an article done by Dr. Perry titled Self-care share where it was split into 6 different categories, good for quick flash reading or a reminder. Self-care is an area I need to learn how to incorporate into my day to day living, not too sure how to go about putting myself first but I plan on learning.

Taking a little time out for yourself will have a positive impact on reducing your stress levels and helping patch up any self-esteem or self-confidence issues that may have arisen.

In turn, this will be reflective in the people and the stuff you do in your day to day living, impacting and influencing others creating a chain reaction, reversing the influence negatively to positively by beginning to think in your right mind.

How one goes about doing this can take many a different form consisting of emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, practically, and socially taking care of ourselves which I will delve into in my article I plan on constructing

Taking a little time out for yourself will have a positive impact on reducing your stress levels and helping patch up any self-esteem or self-confidence issues that may have arisen.

It is easy to become caught up in the chaos of life may it be raising a family, caring for someone, holding down a career or all of them or something else entirely.

When we talk about ‘self’ we are talking about our individualism, our essential being that distinguishes by singularly separating ourselves from others.   Care is about paying particular attention or effort that is taken to avoid damage, risk or error.

It is down to the individual how one goes about taking care of themselves and others and how they can go about doing this

Life is an on-going obstacle course so intensely predictably unpredictable the biggest challenge is managing it. So many challenges that we come across that we can’t go over, under or around and every instinct is screaming on top of our lungs not to go through it, just hide or avoid but sometimes that is the only option.

Recuperating from these moments in life on an emotional level means recognising the strong feelings for what they are, joy, anger or grief the range is as big or as little as the individual and dealing with them instinctively when they arise, which is a skill I need to be able to be taught either by myself or another and I’m not the only one.

I am depressed at this moment in time doesn’t take a degree to work that one out and I am no stranger to it.  All that has changed is what I’ve just learnt these past few years, that depression is the correct label and it is not just an excuse for someone avoiding getting a grip of themselves.

Any word can be derogatory which is just critical or disrespectful depending on how or the way it is used. This word depression used to elicit that response from me, because I was and am the word that aids personal growth, also it appears I used to favour ignorance over awareness to avoid becoming overwhelmed

I am used to the words me, myself and I before I was even a teenager, my education ended at 14 lucky I was intellectually above my years.  I managed some GCSE’s barely academically only restarting just before or when I was 25 on and off.

I claim to be a self-directed learner and have managed to take care of myself for the past 2 decades in some of the most peculiarly disturbing ways, I’m only 30. Never the less figuring out more effective self-care could only be beneficial 🙂 for more reading, understanding, and depth – feature image by

Further Reading

  1. My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
  2. Trip down Memory Lane
  3. Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
  4. My Journey through Mental health
  5. The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
  6. Welcome to the natural empathiser

Sunday 23rd September 2018; taking the lid off words to my action man, long over due

I once wrote how important words were and that they are pointless if they confuse, misguide or hurt the person but sometimes that is necessary.  The risk is that by hiding from the truth we could be doing more damage than good

I’m not sure how to write this blog but I’m just going to see how the words flow and picture the person I am thinking off.  That person was and has been my crisis nurse and still is my Community Psychiatric Nurse, who I refer to as my action man.

One day he may very well read these words and when he does I want him to know that I and my family are truly thankful for everything that he has done, all the mountains he has moved out of sheer determination, willpower, and hope alone will be forever appreciated and never forgotten.

I was fighting the black hole abyss that is  depression forgetting how much of a negative impact that can have on another or myself.

We all make mistakes, become confused or stumble upon not having a clue what to do but eventually, it gets figured out, becoming more clearly explained, understood or managed.

I met this man shortly after he came back from annual leave, I had a temporary crisis nurse until this point. I will tell you a little about her as she was the first person to relight my spark after I had the worst malfunction ever, who saw me in a different light. This was back in January 2016 and I called her my delicate flower.

Ironic really as there was nothing delicate about her and she had some backbone but there was a vulnerability to her, the word for this is possibly ‘energy’ but that’s a foreign subject I’ve just briefly skimmed over whilst reading something else.

The reason her ‘energy’ was different from which I later discovered, she was pregnant therefore I was more cautious about what feelings I was eliciting intentionally or unintentionally. She understood and related to certain aspects of my persona but I never got the privilege to get to know her further

A couple of weeks later my action man came back and we were introduced, he put the emotions on the back burner and reacted where necessary, reading my body language correctly and was an anchor where I would have been adrift. To those who did not know me or I could not connect with on an emotional level may have perceived the way I spoke as pressured speech.

Over the years we have built up a rapport where his opinions, words and advice do mean a lot therfore having a bigger impact both positively and negatively

He taught me that labels change constantly as we search for answers, that I should not get too caught up literally in what is said. He also taught me a new way and reminded me that sometimes you just have to cut straight through the middle something I think we had forgotten to do in 2018, that we managed better in 2016

What he reminded me off this time is he is human too and his only hope is for me to manage in my present for my future, I just need the extra help, support and crutch a little longer and better resources to learn the skill to cement this new way of thinking, acting and behaving.

Without him I wouldn’t have understood that but because he has been a constant he has taught me more than he will ever know. Regardless of how lost I may appear he once pointed out how versatile and resilient I can be and that I am too hard on myself, my own worst critic.

I always bounce back with a little help from those I have become attached to professionally and personally, or out of stubbornness the latter is questionable

Sometimes we do not like what we see or when we are made aware of what we might have become blinded to, we can become defensive. I experienced this on my appointment this Friday and realised what I witnessed, experienced and felt in our last engagement two weeks prior was right.

The problem was I just hadn’t fully understood but I have now. I can confidently say I recognised what hopeless looked like and that is what he felt in that moment, when dealing with myself it shun true in his eyes, not so much this week though :-).

Sometimes denial clouds our judgment maybe we just haven’t realised it yet or the other person hasn’t. The emotions I have seen, felt and heard two weeks ago were correct and it was mutually felt by the two people who have been on one heck of a journey with one another.

I expressed that I felt nothing had been done or changed in-order to recover from the first crisis not realising that this gentleman has nearly done the 1000 day loop cycle with us, to what he is fully capable of whilst living his own life.

He is only one man who has been depended on massively for helping rehabilitate and recuperate past psychological traumas varying substantially in relation to myself, where his focus has been getting me stable in my present.

Thanks to his experineces, training, education and instinct he helped me get off the one way ticket journey to the place all my demons go.

Now I believe we are both on the same page where we are focused on getting me back out into society whatever way we can, volunteering seems to be how I’m going to get my feet wet. Also, I found out the progress that is being made for me to see the psychologist.

The progress is until I have done a timeline I will not be meeting her, which isn’t good as we have tried to do one for 2 years since my clinical psychiatrist first requested it, with little success. I remember a lady once done a detailed report which is probably in my medical records which I will try and dig out.

Maybe once I do a timeline and then my CPN goes over it with me making sure it has what is needed, I will finally have someone who can help untangle or understand me, nothing ever simple.

This blog was about saying thank you to my CPN, I hope I achieved that.

Source of writing – feature photo by Rakicevic Nenad

Other articles in this section

  1. Wednesday 19th September 2018; At the end of the day we all like to feel somewhere we belong
  2. Saturday 15th September 2018; The little things adding up
  3. Tuesday 11th September 2018; Esteem and confidence, looking at the brighter side of life
  4. Saturday 8th September 2018; What do you do when no one knows what is wrong with you, 3 years later????
  5. Saturday 1st September 2018; Splitting hairs between emotions and feelings