I once wrote how important words were and that they are pointless if they confuse, misguide or hurt the person but sometimes that is necessary. The risk is that by hiding from the truth we could be doing more damage than good
I’m not sure how to write this blog but I’m just going to see how the words flow and picture the person I am thinking off. That person was and has been my crisis nurse and still is my Community Psychiatric Nurse, who I refer to as my action man.
One day he may very well read these words and when he does I want him to know that I and my family are truly thankful for everything that he has done, all the mountains he has moved out of sheer determination, willpower, and hope alone will be forever appreciated and never forgotten.
I was fighting the black hole abyss that is depression forgetting how much of a negative impact that can have on another or myself.
We all make mistakes, become confused or stumble upon not having a clue what to do but eventually, it gets figured out, becoming more clearly explained, understood or managed.
I met this man shortly after he came back from annual leave, I had a temporary crisis nurse until this point. I will tell you a little about her as she was the first person to relight my spark after I had the worst malfunction ever, who saw me in a different light. This was back in January 2016 and I called her my delicate flower.
Ironic really as there was nothing delicate about her and she had some backbone but there was a vulnerability to her, the word for this is possibly ‘energy’ but that’s a foreign subject I’ve just briefly skimmed over whilst reading something else.
The reason her ‘energy’ was different from which I later discovered, she was pregnant therefore I was more cautious about what feelings I was eliciting intentionally or unintentionally. She understood and related to certain aspects of my persona but I never got the privilege to get to know her further
A couple of weeks later my action man came back and we were introduced, he put the emotions on the back burner and reacted where necessary, reading my body language correctly and was an anchor where I would have been adrift. To those who did not know me or I could not connect with on an emotional level may have perceived the way I spoke as pressured speech.
Over the years we have built up a rapport where his opinions, words and advice do mean a lot therfore having a bigger impact both positively and negatively
He taught me that labels change constantly as we search for answers, that I should not get too caught up literally in what is said. He also taught me a new way and reminded me that sometimes you just have to cut straight through the middle something I think we had forgotten to do in 2018, that we managed better in 2016
What he reminded me off this time is he is human too and his only hope is for me to manage in my present for my future, I just need the extra help, support and crutch a little longer and better resources to learn the skill to cement this new way of thinking, acting and behaving.
Without him I wouldn’t have understood that but because he has been a constant he has taught me more than he will ever know. Regardless of how lost I may appear he once pointed out how versatile and resilient I can be and that I am too hard on myself, my own worst critic.
I always bounce back with a little help from those I have become attached to professionally and personally, or out of stubbornness the latter is questionable
Sometimes we do not like what we see or when we are made aware of what we might have become blinded to, we can become defensive. I experienced this on my appointment this Friday and realised what I witnessed, experienced and felt in our last engagement two weeks prior was right.
The problem was I just hadn’t fully understood but I have now. I can confidently say I recognised what hopeless looked like and that is what he felt in that moment, when dealing with myself it shun true in his eyes, not so much this week though :-).
Sometimes denial clouds our judgment maybe we just haven’t realised it yet or the other person hasn’t. The emotions I have seen, felt and heard two weeks ago were correct and it was mutually felt by the two people who have been on one heck of a journey with one another.
I expressed that I felt nothing had been done or changed in-order to recover from the first crisis not realising that this gentleman has nearly done the 1000 day loop cycle with us, to what he is fully capable of whilst living his own life.
He is only one man who has been depended on massively for helping rehabilitate and recuperate past psychological traumas varying substantially in relation to myself, where his focus has been getting me stable in my present.
Thanks to his experineces, training, education and instinct he helped me get off the one way ticket journey to the place all my demons go.
Now I believe we are both on the same page where we are focused on getting me back out into society whatever way we can, volunteering seems to be how I’m going to get my feet wet. Also, I found out the progress that is being made for me to see the psychologist.
The progress is until I have done a timeline I will not be meeting her, which isn’t good as we have tried to do one for 2 years since my clinical psychiatrist first requested it, with little success. I remember a lady once done a detailed report which is probably in my medical records which I will try and dig out.
Maybe once I do a timeline and then my CPN goes over it with me making sure it has what is needed, I will finally have someone who can help untangle or understand me, nothing ever simple.
This blog was about saying thank you to my CPN, I hope I achieved that.
Other articles in this section
- Wednesday 19th September 2018; At the end of the day we all like to feel somewhere we belong
- Saturday 15th September 2018; The little things adding up
- Tuesday 11th September 2018; Esteem and confidence, looking at the brighter side of life
- Saturday 8th September 2018; What do you do when no one knows what is wrong with you, 3 years later????
- Saturday 1st September 2018; Splitting hairs between emotions and feelings