A letter I wrote a special General Practitioner in Spring 2018

With my lack of concentration and focus, I’m struggling writing this, but it will be worse if I only try and verbally communicate. After a conversation with a close relation, hopefully, I can get across what I’m trying to say which is, I need help.

The time reading this will probably give more insight into what is going on, than I could ever possibly imagine verbally communicating.

I am lost, probably depressed, just existing barely bobbing my head above water, no motivation, drive, focus, concentration, somewhat numb with an analytical observant brain.

Continuously trying to process and understand essentially me and everything. Doesn’t make an easy person to be around, and this mood impacts anyone I meet, sometimes completely unaware.

This past 2 year has been a massive journey of learning, self-discovery, awareness, closure, and questions but it has also been like mixing fire with gasoline.

This has been an inevitable journey, one I should probably be thankful I’m still alive to be on, as this 30-year journey has not been an easy one. When I have these appointments, and just in general, the way my brain naturally works is to reflect, process, evaluate, conclude, improve, or move on.

This has been an impossible task this past couple of years, and an exhausting one mentally, and physically.

Ignorance can sometimes be bliss, as my narrow scope of life allowed me a few years back until it was widened.

I need support first and foremost. Over the past few years, I have been dissected mentally like a frog, left with questions, questions, and even more questions. Sometimes they’re answered for me but the majority of the time, I’m left to answer them by myself, but I have nobody to talk to about my answers or the questions I have.

After these questionnaires and questions are done, I go home reflect using logic, fact, memories, and reasoning, processing through all the information which can take days, weeks or more to come to an answer I am content with.

I am left in limbo, mixing everything up and getting confused, which frustratingly just leads to more and more problems, in my day to day living. When things are left in my head, they are reflected on and looked at from every possible angle, linked up with memories, facts and logically concluded to an answer I am happy with.

Bipolar type 2, BPD, mood disorder, stress, anxiety, depression, personality disorder, ADHD, ASD, PTSD, PND the list goes on to what different professionals and people have thought, treated and not treated me for.

This has been a lot to process and analyse over the years, seeing what fits, what doesn’t? What’s a side effect from the meds, what’s not? bringing up memories, setting off little mind mines of feelings and thoughts, that are so intense internally but yet, I seem to be unable to communicate them verbally at times.

Then the conundrum continues because I end up appearing physically robotic, stuck in internal turmoil.

A feeling of entrapment I can’t seem to escape, with a negative or logical viewpoint, appearing dis-attached from one’s reality which in a way I have become, but I think that’s the delusion.

If I’m cooking or running a bath, I forget. If I’m in a conversation it is easy to lose track, as my thoughts are going so fast It can be inhumanly impossible for myself to keep up with, without reflection, which process I am verbally or internally communicating.

Internally my brain is switched on never stopping, dissecting analysing and processing, but day to day tasks, my studies, I cannot concentrate or focus on because as quick as they appear in my brain, is as quick as they have disappeared from my conscious thoughts.

Even writing this has taken hours trying to narrow it down. Realistically I could do with my other half being home but, that financially isn’t an option, so hopefully, we can figure something to try help.

I want to figure out me, what my skills are, what I want to do, what I can’t? Sort my head out and have a chance at some form of a life, instead of just existing. I have no delusion of thinking all these problems can be fixed today, or in the short-term.

What I do know is there will be possible solutions, either through techniques, learning, correctly balanced medication or a combination of them all.  I need those who can help to stop telling me that you can not as that is inaccurate, it also causes me to lose hope which is something, I can not afford to lose.

I also know I need a plan, help, action no more limbo or I’m going to probably get ill again, and I don’t think I have the energy to keep going through this over and over, especially when It isn’t necessary or the same mistakes are getting repeated.

The logical thought process, not a fact, from what I think I’ve learnt so far, which might be relevant if these are my diagnosis’s. ASD wants a plan, ADHD struggles to stick to it, they conflict creating major problems. Fix ADHD problems ASD fix the rest.

(25/06/2018 this didn’t work fully with meds at the time but was enough to flip my brain.  It just made controlling my autistic traits and emotions harder, especially hand movements,)

Behavioural therapy, counseling, help to figure my skills, help to study, help to get a life, I really need someone to talk to about all of this.

Link back to To be a rebel is one who doesn’t fit societies mould of ‘normal’

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by  Alena Koval

Other articles in this section

  1. 1st June 2016; the process of becoming more aware
  2. 17th June 2018; immediate thoughts after taking the Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-revised (RAADS)
  3. 28th April 2018; reflecting back when a bereavement the day before, shut down my ability to communicate
  4. Trip down memory lane March – July 2016 – 08/07/2018
  5. Trip Down Memory Lane 27/02/2016 – 05/07/2018

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I enjoy writing and believe everyone has a story. I have hit a brick wall when searching for my own answers so, I have been looking at alternatives and becoming a blogger seems a good choice. No, we can't get answers to all our questions alone but, together the possibilities are endless

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