Saturday 8th September 2018; What do you do when no one knows what is wrong with you, 3 years later????

Source of writing – feature Photo by Nadxiee Lii

Today, that question resonated with an almighty slam that left me gobsmacked after Friday 7th September 2018 appointment.  I had to re-read New insights and understandings in my journey through, psychological and neurological disorders 

No one has any clue what is wrong with me, and they have no idea what to do, so am I even ADHD??……. where the heck does that leave this patient who requires your support but none of us know how.

I don’t know what I expected from this general psychiatry appointment with my CPN but it wasn’t this.  I came out feeling more lost than when I went in, feeling truly defeated and deflated which I know wasn’t his intention.

This man helped me in a time I needed most back in 2016 which i will forever hold dear and appreciate, but he had a different job title then from what he has now. Maybe the reality is they can’t help me because they have no idea how, therefore nothing? He and myself are both aware we are not doctors.

Anger issues!!! yeah, so I keep hearing as I feel the tears usually silenced, sliding down my cheeks unable to control as I feel more vulnerable than the day I asked for there help in the first place.  I keep getting asked ‘how can we help you’………

I have no idea, I do not know what is wrong with me and now nearly 3 years later, i am told ‘no one knows what is wrong with me’…… tell me where someone finds even a shred of hope in those words (something they haven’t come across before, now there’s a way not to make a girl feel weirder than she already does.

I thought there was going to be more of a plan after my conversation previously with my speech and language therapists a few weeks ago, I took the look in her eye as sympathy but suppose when you here a little about my past, it’s the one that flashes first.

I understand the need to look into my past, but i need my present helped first to ensure a better future…..  maybe everything will make more sense when I eventually meet the clinical psychologist (Time Frames unknown).

I have a serious decision to contemplate over and that is, whether this journey should continue with my current mental health team as all I heard on Friday was how they didn’t even know how, maybe I made a mistake, maybe we all did no one knows ?!?!

I was under the impression the clinical psychologist will help gather information for them, (clinical psychiatrist) to analyse over time, which would determine whether I was Autistic and if i am not atleast a plan of some sort in determining or understanding to some level what is, not for them to be as confused as me, but now I’m led to believe that is not the case.

My speech and language therapist does not think I am Autistic, I knew neither of us thought I was Aspergers, wasn’t aware all other profiles had been ruled out.  Still unsure where enough time has been spent getting to know me in less intense situations, that has been done to support that?

Can’t help but have an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness take over.  People can be hard work, me the hardest clearly but the aftershocks from the engagements can be challenging to manage.  Yet again I am an enigma, a lone ranger, not sure how to flip that into a positive but I will try.

I am uniquely different, so much so that trying to figure out the cause of the problem is proving a challenge far too great for some, most especially me.  When I communicate this they feel as though I am attacking their integrity or personal self.

There never seems to be any positives that hold enough weight, and when I think there is, it’s usually because I have picked it up wrong in the first place or deluding myself so it appears.  Maybe its time to accept more than half my life later, there as clueless and shackled as me just in a different light, with a mutual kryptonite being time.

Supposedly all I keep saying is all this help I am not receiving, all this help they are not doing.  Well, I don’t get to see what you all are paid to see, so clearly we are not on the same page, I live it daily whereas use dip in to help or hinder on occasions.

Please tell me any method or technique use have taught to help me manage or cope with some of the daily challenges I face, do you even know what they are?? What attempts have been made to rewire my way of thinking, I asked to see my brain because your answers explain nothing by your own admissions, I was asked why…..

I have the appointments like today’s 30min one, where I couldn’t even speak right because the overwhelming amount of emotions engulfed me, contracting my throat as the sheer weight of disappointment, misunderstandings and hopelessness submerged me, begging me to walk away and give up, this journey with mental health has hit the breaking point and I saw it reflected back in another’s eyes.

I honestly feel defeated, I do not think we are any further steps forward than from the day we started, and i don’t understand how this is possible.

Easy for the professionals to say these things take time like a broken record…… do not preach that to me no more.  I hear it almost like a record continuously sticking whenever i am in the company of those who deem this appropriate speech to keep repeating, but every time no further forward just empty words.

I am forever falling over myself by second-guessing then getting back up, sometimes just wanting to scream all the frustration away.  I’m tired of this cycle so the mask needs to slide firmly back on.   I have reached a point where sometimes the only way to find the answers is to look at yourself.

I have no idea my next steps but I will figure them out, controlling this anxiety and negative energy I am generating is a must.  I’ve shut down and detached from my reality at points, fighting my black hole of the abyss, change is on the horizon and I’m done being timid, demanding or avoidant.

I apologise if I appear cold, angry or aggressive this is not my intention and a persistently heard opinion all my life.  This is my fight for survival and there is no manual on how one goes about this, just a whole load of opinions, theories, and concepts and clearly were still at the baby stages of figuring it out, when linking or relating it to myself.

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I enjoy writing and believe everyone has a story. I have hit a brick wall when searching for my own answers so, I have been looking at alternatives and becoming a blogger seems a good choice. No, we can't get answers to all our questions alone but, together the possibilities are endless

6 thoughts on “Saturday 8th September 2018; What do you do when no one knows what is wrong with you, 3 years later????”

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through all this and can see it very frustrating for you. I wish I could help. Have you ever heard of Gregory Jantz PhD. He is the founder of The Center-A Place of Hope. Google him he is very well known. The Center phone number is: 888-982-2762. From everything I’ve read about the center, this place works miracles. Never give up Hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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