In April 2018 I got tired of the repetitive loop 1000 days later of always being assumed to be borderline personality disorder (BPD) whenever my emotions were out of control, and I struggled to verbally communicate in the ways expected.
This led me down a new path to look into, although I have researched personality in so many ways, by reading and listening to so much that is misleading and helpful both at the same time, no wonder my mind gets tangled.
I believe by fixing my mental health, the questions surrounding and clouding whether I am Autistic, may finally come to some form of a conclusion or an answer.
On Monday 30th July 2018 I had an Appointment with someone specialised, able and willing, to look further into depths with regards to myself. She seems to have shed some light where there was once none, with a theory worth exploring.
The way her brain works provided a logical and rational explanation that may be plausible, even more so now I have gathered more insight into ADHD (neurology and psychology)
I will continue to research alongside, tests scientifically recognised in one sense or another that may or may not be relevant, that could help give more insight and create some stepping stones, where there may once have appeared to be none.
I took the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test at a time where I was lost and needed to be found. I have to say it stroked my ego exceptionally well, but that wasn’t what I wanted or needed.
This then allowed for deeper analytical insight and the ability to investigate what a certain unhealthy personality type would look like. I have done this by stepping on too many stones in one setting then stemming off from there, following the cookie crumbs so to speak which is the way I work best.
The reasons for doing this were simple, my personality was confusing those aided in finding me work out, the puzzle that is me.
Therefore, it was a problem needing to be addressed, a solution or at the very least more of an understanding as to be honest, my personality is not of the ‘norm’ and is a constant enigma to oneself at times, never mind the majority of the population, specialised or not.
For those unfamiliar with the test, I will explain a little about it. Myers Briggs is a designed Psychometric test categorised into 16 Profiles, allowing for deeper analysis and insight into your personality traits.
Obviously, it’s not individualised as there are approximately 7.5 billion people in the world so if everything was even sliced, 468,750,000 million people per personality type, that’s a lot.
Therefore, I have put together this individual’s thoughts into words who is already clinically diagnosed and labeled in some perspectives, as a minority female amongst the whole population, unique
In this case, categorised as INTJ female, the results from taking the test are as follows alongside explaining the initials more commonly seen but not necessarily understood, that make up the contents of the table
My results for the Myers Biggs Personality test
|Introverted – is to be energised by Spending quiet time alone or within a small group, more reserved and thoughtful||
|Intuitive – can have more of an abstract level way of thinking, interested in theories, patterns, and explanations, often more concerned with the future than the present, described as creative||
|Thinking – is in relation to making decisions with their head, more interested in the most logical and reasonable choice||
|Judging – indicates an appreciation for structure and order,||
|Extraverted – is to be energised by spending time with people, busy and active surroundings, more expressive and outspoken||
|Sensing – is where one focuses on 5 senses, more interested in the information they can directly hear, see, feel etcetera. Hand on learners, commonly described as practical||
|Feeling – is someone who tends to make decisions with their heart, more interested in how a decision will affect people, does it fit with their values?||
|Perceiving – is a person who generally prefers flexibility and spontaneity, they like to leave things open in case they want to change their minds||
At the end of the test, you receive one out of the 16 personality type letter combination variations, consisting of 4 letters. The 4 letters received will depend on the top half where your percentage scores are highest.
This is a reflection of the answers that you give, allowing for insight to be gained into the patterns of your behaviour and way of thinking, determining what one out of the 16 personality types, given this tests criteria, best suit your individual but comparable personality.
Now, or when you have the four letters produced and resulted from the test that has determined what personality type more suits your choices, understanding becomes the next challenge. Each of the 8 code letters stands for a preference in your style of thinking or behaviour. Split into four categories as follows
- I versus E: Introverted or Extraverted – refers to how oneself manages their energy
- S versus N: Sensing or Intuitive – looks into how a person processes information
- T versus F: Thinking or feeling – describes how people make decisions
- J versus P: Judging or perceiving – focuses on how people approach the structure in their lives
My 4 letter code result
- Introverted (I) – 68%
- Intuitive (N) – 55%
- Thinking (T) – 70%
- Judging (J) – 55%
This personality type is more rare, making up approximately 3% of the population and only around 1% of them, are female. Common names associated with this personality type are the scientist, Strategist, and mastermind to name but a few.
Some of what I found was relevant to myself such as, the descriptions of having the capabilities to absorb highly complex theories and material, creating structure from theoretical abstractions and a brilliant strategist.
I really enjoy and thrive off theoretical challenges that are easily approached in a calm, collected and analytical way, due to the way my brain naturally thinks in a logical, rational and reasonable way, when I am in the right mind.
The Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test is a form of psychological typology, that is an introspective self-report questionnaire, meaning a test you do yourself for many a clustered spectrum of reasons.
It allows for some insight and understanding to the way you think, putting words to it in a literal sense. It is designed to give indicators and insight into the different psychological preferences in relation to, how people perceive the world around them and make decisions.
Another test highlighting I see the world differently was the RAADS Autistic screening test, where the results are found in the context of a different article The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised; comparing and explaining results in an attempt to understand
I’m usually a good resource for others when problems need fixed or solutions found, but not so good at knowing or taking care of my own needs, sometimes even ignoring and putting another’s first.
INTJ’s are described as original, creative, independent, ingenious and resourceful. I especially agree with the ability to be a leader but will follow and fully support the person plans, if their idea is more effective or resourceful than mine or another’s.
I do work well on my own though hence why I enjoy being a self-directed learner, in some cases, people could fast track how quickly I am able to learn. When my confidence and self-esteem get the much-needed attention it requires, maybe I won’t have to rely so much upon being a self-directed learner.
I thought personally that this test would give a good insight in a literal sense for explaining the type of person I was, for scientific reasons. When brought up to my CPN and Clinical psychiatrist in an intense appointment, the response was quite blunt and sharply dismissing, more than likely due to time restraints.
I was made completely aware that this is not a recognised screening or diagnostic test within the UK, good to know that due to a system that hasn’t worked for me yet, you plan to stand by it and follow it, therefore giving the impression the results to the test are irrelevant to the purpose, situation or events being discussed, which I disagree with.
On a personal level, they gave me more insight into my personality than ever before, because it gave me a new way to research my personality alongside the meanings to the words, equipping me with the skills and knowledge to better understand.
The reasons for this were to see if I couldn’t untangle the confusion or lack of understanding, associated with myself.
I suppose it all depends on what you want to do with the information contained within the test or what you take from it, which is another story. I didn’t have or feel like the opportunity was there, to simply state that is not why I took the test.
I took it to give words I was unable to give, with regards to aiding in your difficulties figuring or categorising my personality, hoping to be able to help better understand how to communicate, more effectively with one another.
So, for anyone planning on taking it I found it useful as a stepping stone to look further, but there are many stones for which one person can choose to step on, I prefer a controlled open mind instead of a closed ridged cage, much healthier and more effective for this female.
This is where I found words to aid in answering certain questions asked or wondered, and helped me learn ways to counteract these difficulties, strengthening my abilities to tackle the walls I keep slamming head-on into within my living reality
After yesterday’s appointment, I thought this test just became as relevant as the first time I considered it. If I have this spectacular minded woman’s way of thinking correctly, I think she may have just put a few missing pieces to the puzzle in place.
I will explain a little in the case earlier articles have not yet been stumbled upon as I have only been blogging for a matter of weeks. There has been a constant question I can’t stop mulling over which is, Am I Autistic? In some ways, the label fits like a glove, but in others, there is no resemblance.
I am ADHD, my clinical psychiatrist, previous crisis nurse now CPN and this woman I am addressing presently, whose job title is a speech and language therapist, have the opinions and expertise to say I am ADHD. An article I’m currently working on looking into ADHD has me agreeing even more so now, which I won’t go too much into-depth within this article.
The spanner thrown in to the works yesterday is something i’ve heard many a time before but not in the way this charismatic lady said, a possibility could be that past traumas, life and experiences have gave my mental health a run for its money.
So, pretty much my brains mentality has taken some psychological bashing, which could be the reason I appear to have so many autistic traits at times, circumstances and in some situations, whether I am or not autistic cannot be accurately said at the moment, but hopefully that answer will come through time, support and therapy.
This has led me to a new way of thinking which I plan to explore, but I must give my mind a break, as working on two separate articles linkable to this one, and I’m about to turn this into a lecture instead of light reading if I don’t stay on point.
A new theory or hypothesis brought to light after yesterday, had me considering another angle. An ADHD, INTJ personality type female, whose mental health has gone to pot, but probably not the best description. Another way to word what I’m trying to describe, in more correct or appropriate speech and probably make more sense. A theory being…….
‘I have a neurological disorder with the literal word ADHD, due to life experiences and being completely unaware, but not clueless internally to the fact I have a brain deficit, my mental health over my current life-course has created psychological disorders, that could be making me appear autistic or Asperger’s.’
A further thought process I’ve just had that I think is noteworthy for consideration in the future, and another avenue worth exploring is maybe I am just an INTJ female which is a minority in its self.
Could it be possible, that the type of personality I have, is the reason my brain fits the categorical criteria threshold, in a literal word of neurological disorders, (ADHD/ASD) with Psychological disorders manifesting in a complex personality type, known as an INTJ?
It could be the complete opposite, the fact I’m this personality type, does it conflict with my neurological disorder, having knock-on effects creating implications on my mental health. There are a lot of possible theories and evidence explaining in some ways why I think and see the world differently from the ‘norm’.
I have asked and answered so many questions from previous articles over the last week or so, but there are many still unanswered, but over the course of the next few months that looks set to change.
To an unaware or untrained eye, I may appear physically robotic, detached or manically disabled at times for supposed unknown reasons, as I mentally race to get ahead of the dark cloud threatening to engulf me, sucking away all the air, slowly dimming my light, which has only been put out once at 13.
I hate repeating the same mistakes and this is one I have vowed never to repeat regardless, so I apologise if I appear aggressive/passionate about surviving essentially myself. (I’m working on my approach and technique currently, let’s just say it is a work in progress hence this website)
After that appointment on Monday I now have more hope, due to a woman whose skill and passion for what she does, is exactly what I need, an extremely valuable resource where I lack a lot of knowledge and understanding, she has managed to cast light in my shadows, very insightful and I believe what she has said, she will do.
I got tingles to my toe because this lady knows things I am completely clueless to in some aspects and has assured me, she is going to help and get me the support she can, a good sign i hope.
Since my action man and go to guy moved jobs as a crisis nurse to a CPN, and the rules, procedures, systems, and dynamics of our relationship were altered, my family and I have been left to cope regardless, no matter the circumstance, situation or event that has triggered a lack of control, the majority of the time.
The problem being this is not what we are told is going to happen, also neither of us truly understand what is going on, or what we can do to try and manage it. We are often just left in limbo constantly being confused, as I’m told one thing will get done after another, but yet they never seem to transpire into anything.
When I am like this I require support the most, but it is the one time guaranteed I do not get it. Really doesn’t make sense to me, if I am not getting through to one individual about my difficulties, if we are failing to communicate effectively, I will find the one that I can as I’m simply just, trying to survive.
I can only do this by keeping my head bobbing above the surface, remember personal circumstances, experiences, learnings and understanding all influences how we are towards others and ourselves any given day, the results are unpredictable and unforeseen at times.
When the need requires attention and can no longer be ignored, let’s say when I am in crisis if the word fits, the wolf wants to come out but is trapped inside the sheep figuratively speaking, or the opposite way around.
My tones are harder to manage, blunt beyond belief and a very narrow jugular viewpoint with regards to fixing the problem at hand, depending on the personality I am communicating with.
My vocabulary becomes tangled and I feel vulnerable and embarrassed when this happens so I fight for hyperfocus (automatically switch) and I do not use the incorrect words or try extremely hard to find the more sensitive, or appropriate words.
It is quite the opposite really, but the words are harsher, tone direct and always told I appear and become aggressive by certain personality types but not all??? This is not welcomed or liked by those aided in helping me at times depending on their perspectives, opinions, and understandings, but it is for them, future generations such as my children and for myself, that I am trying to communicate a very closed book.
What is not understood is when I am like this, people make me so ill unintentionally with their word choices and views I have no choice but to correct them or point out the error in their ways, but no one likes that.
Funny that’s all my life has been is people pointing out the errors in my ways, maybe the problem is when I’m doing it, I’m accurate in one sense or all, fully aware of the problem at hand. Unfortunately, I can forget to take the emotions of others into consideration until later reflection, but arguably they’re not taking mine into consideration either.
I apologise my face, body language and tones do not give the correct insight to be able to understand the emotions I am feeling and portraying.
I’m always seeming to be puzzled at times, sometimes appearing as if out of the blue, and not always relevant to the topic, but it is the topic at hand that triggers and links automatically to another thought process, then back to the original topic.
This has been the case for so long but more recognisable, over the last couple of years since my journey begun with mental health in a formal setting, simply trying to understand. This problem or way of thinking that has never been changeable but coverable, I believe, is also a contributing factor to the confusion others can have, when interacting with myself.
Yesterday’s appointment has my wheels really turning differently, and had me looking more closely at ADHD, but researched differently. I fully accept I have a neurological disorder and that my psychological health has been affected throughout the course of my life to date. I am beginning to become more aware of where I struggle, still clueless but at least a few steps in the right direction for a change.
I am puzzled but more equipped for putting the pieces together now than I was 2 decades or even 2 years ago when the puzzle, once only missing some pieces, got smashed to oblivion. Fragments and pieces are coming together, and a hazy picture can now be seen.
I believe the road of self-discovery may have hit a pinnacle moment, now all that is left to do is wait and see what happens, whilst others try help find the missing pieces that I can’t. There will come a day I will feel the closest I can to the whole, patience is a virtue as they say.
I believe a possible reason for a lot of the issues within my mental health stem from the fact, that at times I truly do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do, even though I have studied peoples actions and behaviour under the most peculiar settings since a young age. Because this has been and continues to be a detrimental weakness in some ways, steps are being taken to try and combat this.
I have made It my focus to learn to walk in the shoes of others to allow me to see where I was once blind or ignorant. Sometimes I am far too empathetic which comes at a cost to myself as I am forever second guessing my own self too often, when more often than not I’m accurate the first time.
I try to and often do, consider all plausible and possible outcomes within my capabilities and understandings from any aspect or scenario, which may be a contributing factor to the tangled mindset.
No one knows themselves better than the individual but how others perceive our behaviours can sometimes, only be answered by another’s eyes. Because I do not understand people, their actions or why they feel the way they do I have made it my focus to learn to walk in the footsteps of others.
I would recommend taking the Myers Biggs – personality type indicator test if you require or are intrigued too, take a deeper more insightful look into the way you think and behave.
It is an introspective self-report questionnaire, allowing for more awareness of oneself, where possible career choices can be found that match or better suit your way of thinking. Either way, I enjoyed the test and the insightful paths that stemmed from it, as it provided in aiding my journey of self-discovery and I hope it gives the insight to others, as it did for myself.
- My Feministic journey, into the spectrum
- Trip down Memory Lane
- Mirror-Mirror, Show me my true reflection
- My Journey through Mental health
- The words of Lilly falls Beautifully unfinished
- Welcome to the natural empathiser